Not allowed to talk at meal times.

[Toto531]

Something that's occuring recently in my relationship is beginning to upset me. My partner of 5 years won't speak to me at meal times. When we first met, we always used to laugh and chat at meal times. But recently, whenever I try to talk to him, he tells me he's eating and not to talk. Which really upsets me. My partner works 7 days a week (farmer) and I'm left at home all day long to look after our 2 toddlers (apart from when i work, 3 days a week), so I desperately need adult conversation by the night time! I get he's been working all day so probably wants to switch off but I just hate the way I'm dismissed and told to be quiet. Meal times are a social time for me where the family should be able to chat about their day etc. And I know that he used to be able to do it so I'm not sure why it's a problem for him now. Communication in general has become quite difficult over the last couple of years. I don't have any support with the children and sometimes it gets a bit much, if I try to tell him this, he dismisses me and won't discuss it and I'll either have to continue suffering in silence or just figure out solutions by myself. I don't know how to approach the situation as if I try to say how I'm feeling, he gets very defensive and speaks to me in an angry tone and it just ends in an argument and we get no where. I really don't feel like I can carry on like this as it's making me unhappy. I've no idea how to sort things out but I really want to try and make things better.

It's not uncommon in farmers and farm workers to become uncommunicative at home.

I used to arrive home from work and was so stressed at times I'd sit in the car outside my home or go inside and sit in the dark and the cold with the phone turned off for at least an hour. I loathe people talking to me while I'm eating, I just want to eat my dinner even now when I no longer work on a farm.

Not making excuses for the OPs DP or myself, it's just how the job takes people. It isn't the OPs fault at all, equally you can't expect him to suck it up, farming is enormous pressure, utterly relentless and remorseless. As the OPs DP was fine to begin with, it does sound more like MH issues have settled in.

@Toto531

Mental health issues in farming is quite a problem, and what sometimes gets left out fo the mix is how it affects the family members. Raising the kids alone and running a household is often how it goes for farmers wives even now. The rights and wrongs of that is by the by but it is often how it goes unfortunately especially when the partner is working an enormous amount of hours a day. It is really hard to keep up a decent loving relationship with a farmer.

While it's up to your DP to sort out his issues, you and he may find some useful resources here

https://www.nfuonline.com/updates-and-information/find-wellbeing-support-in-your-area/

https://ahdb.org.uk/support-for-farmers

https://giveusashout.org/latest/hawkstone-partnership-to-support-farmers/

For wives and partners of farmers

https://www.facebook.com/groups/farmwivesuk/

Being treated rudely, dismissed and like a slave is not normal couple life.

And dating/marrying is not the only alternative.

Being on your own as a single parent with peace of mind and independence is a thousand times better than being with a miserable git who just drags you down and makes you and your children feel like an inconvenience.

Haven’t RTWT and I’m not condoning his behaviour. But if he used to be communicative and isn’t any more, is anything going on ? Does he have money worries? It can be tough for farmers with unpredictable weather, loss of markets, worries re inheritance tax even before you factor in repaying huge loans on machinery etc. It wouldn’t be that unusual in farming families to have the farmers wife doing all of the domestic work and raising the kids. Again not condoning it. He could be shutting down conversation because he’s scared of raising his own concerns.

Markingbad says it better than me!

All these signposts to help and support are great - for the person who needs it - the OP's DP.

BUT he doesn't want help or support, he wants his partner to shut the fuck up, get his dinner and leave him out of anything else.

@Toto531 I would give him one last chance to talk about your issues with your life. Tell him it's the last chance. If he's still unresponsive then I think you must go for your sake and your dc. Don't wait until you are at rock bottom yourself.

They probably don’t like him due to the type of thing you’ve described here. Do you have any friends? Often abusive partners cut you off from family and friends.
Id take the kids on a holiday. I would be willing to bet it would be amazing to be away from him.

Thanks and your comment above makes great points

Honestly, he sounds absolutely horrible. He wants you to make his food every day but won't even do you the courtesy of speaking to you. He just thinks of you as staff. He wouldn't expect to sit down and chat with the cook/cleaner/nanny and that is how he views you. You are just there to make his life comfortable but he feels no obligation to you or the children.

You didn't quote me in but I caught your comment.

Some of the links cover other places for help which cover all kinds of people and some of them will be useful to farmers wives/partners. Also there is a direct link to a farmers wives facebook group so not just for farmers or people who work in farming.

There are other groups of course these are just some help that is available.

OP I very rarely say this (or indeed post in Relationships at all) but you really need to leave. If not for you, then for your kids. They're toddlers now - what happens when they're a bit older, eat with you and are at school? How will he react if they're excited to tell him about their day at dinner time? Will he shut them down too? Will they ever get family holidays or days out? Any fun? Will they ever see their mum as anything but a downtrodden housemaid?

Imagine a different life for yourself and your kids. Picture yourself with your kids in your own house, working in a job that matches your abilities, happily chattering and playing with the kids, going on holidays and on day trips whenever you please. You (all of you) deserve so much more.

Suicide is very high amongst farmers- in fact I think it's the highest group of all.
There's a reason for that.

This is NOT condoning his behaviour before anyone jumps in.

I was very sympathetic at first towards OP but the more I've read the more I think there is a case for talking to him and trying to work out what's going on.
It's very easy to say LTB. But unless you have a conversation and give him the chance to hear you and change, it's not fair on your children.

You, OP, also need to work on yourself, so that you can make friends and not rely solely on him for adult conversation at the end of the day.

You've not said if your children are at nursery or how your week plays out other than working 3 days a week.

I agree with a PP who said you should reach out to support groups for farmers wives/ families and ask for help.

It may be that you underestimate the stress he's under. No excuse for his behaviour but is he worried about bills and sustaining the farm?

This....and in the mean time eat with only the DC and teach them dinner time is a good time to chat about your day or whatever else you'd like to chat about.

If he wants silence I'd give it to him.

Does that tell you something?

Do you need to move to your house straight away?

It's a lot to organise, leave him, find a new job, ask tenants to leave and move 3.5hr away. If it's overwhelming could you leave him first but stay in the area while planning the next steps? It might seem more manageable then.

I don't think you appreciate the nuances here. His work- the stress- the money side- the fact the kids are up to 10pm or later and they have no time alone.

I do wish that posters wouldn't egg couples to split to readily when there are children around.

Do you really think it's going to be all rosy living 3.5 hrs away from their dad?

Do we even know if he interacts with his children?

@Toto531

I truly believe you need to leave him @Toto531 because you're in an abusive relationship.

Initiate the Duck Protocol and get yourself and the children out of there.

I'm sure he was lovely when they were just dating. Abusive men only tend to pull this crap when they think their female partners are too trapped to leave.

No that’s not normal . You finish your mouthful and then speak.

I agree that a great way to handle this problem in the meantime is for OP to eat early with the children and have a nice time chatting with them, and his partner can eat on his own later.

I bet he won't like that, either. He wants OP to sit there having silence imposed on her.

His mum. He only slept in his house. His mum did everything else.for him, his brother and father
@Toto531
There's your answer then, you are a mere domestic appliance.
Time for an escape plan.

Give your tenants notice to quit.

I see you're not married to this horrible man who clearly thinks you are nothing more than a domestic servant and that he is the king of his universe.

That should make it easier to pack the kids up and leave him when your house becomes available.

The upside for him is that there will be nobody expecting to talk to him over a meal.

Honey, you are already doing it all by yourself.

You have your own house. Give notice to the tenants and move back. Perhaps after a while you will be able to go back to your career. This is abusive behaviour. Have you suggested therapy? If you have or do and he refuses then definitely just leave. You will be happier in the long run.

OP, apologies I've got the wrong person, have you posted about your relationship with your DP previously?

Only ask as I'm sure I've read posts regarding a poster and their farmer DP having problems in their relationship on here before.