He’s got someone else hasn’t he?

[Imustbestupid]

So, my partner of 10 years today suddenly said he had to drive an hour away to meet someone for business. I can’t explain why but I felt a bit off about it. Just his manner somehow. He has, in the past, messaged another woman but I know it went no further. Just flirty comments on his behalf. I saw them all and she shut him down. Anyway, he swore it was over and that was it. This was over a year ago. I tried to get over it but I have to confess I never forgot and never really did get past it. Today, he was gone for five hours. Claimed he has been shopping as well as the business meeting but no shopping to show for it. His phone bleeped and it was a message from a woman on WhatsApp. He literally has no women friends. He has been unusually attentive since getting home. I am going to check his WhatsApp when he is asleep later. Just need a handhold for what I think I will find. Thank you

@HarelessMiffy MN also must have thought he was a fucknugget of the highest order too!

He's trying to deflect and blame-shift. You have done nothing wrong - this is all on him.

Wishing you strength to move on.

To his comment “it’s just a game”

the answer well those aren’t the rules of the game I play, Your ‘game’ is over mate

I’m glad you have got rid, he’s a sleazebag- always was.

the messages to other women should have been your red card moment.

that’s possibly why you end up with cheats; you allow these sleazebags far too much latitude. Your relationship would have never got to this point if you had boundaries over morality and respect in the first place.

this is not me victim blaming you, but I’m pointing out that his fab swingers thing didn’t come out of thin air, he was grim and slimy waaaaaay before today. The signs were clear, you can definitely learn from this.

dont give up hope, be more demanding and boundaried and you’ll sort the chaff from the wheat.

You sound lovely and switched on and deserving of decency.
Even though you have been strong and amazing - it doesn’t mean that you won’t feel sad and let down.
It’s really important to be your own best friend. Understand that you will feel rubbish and will need time to grieve the end of this.

Do what you need to do to treat yourself - make a list of your favourite things that bring you joy and try and do them. Try to limit phone consumption too - that’s really one thing that can bring you down.
i am absolutely full of admiration for how you’ve handled this and wishing you all the very best xx

It was just one woman he messaged - she was a client of his, he's a landscape gardener - but they were a bit too flirty for my liking. But yes, I take your point about Fabswingers, nobody goes from nothing straight to that. Like nobody just suddenly starts drinking a litre of vodka a day - there's a progression there. I just didn't see it.

Oh my god OP. I think you are incredible. I know you won't feel like it at the minute but what a strong and powerful woman you are! You found the evidence, realised that you deserve better and threw him out on his cheating ass! One day you will realise how much better your life is without this excuse of a man. Fuckitty-bye to bad rubbish. Sending you lots of love ❤️

Your life will be better now you’ve dumped this poor excuse of a man. You sound brilliant and very strong, although you probably don’t feel it at the moment. You’ve done the best thing - hold your head up high.

I’m sorry he did this, OP, but good that you got rid, even if it will hurt for a while.

So the trying to go to sleep thing didn't work. He opened a bottle of [my] prosecco last night and had a couple of glasses. I think I might finish the bottle and toast the end of a rubbish relationship! (I go from crying to feeling empowered and currently in an empowered phase). Thanks again everyone, you've been such a help today 👋

@Imustbestupid, I am just now seeing what you discovered last night and what this horror of a man had to say for himself.

’It’s just a game,’ he says?? Lying, stealing your agency, making plans to risk your health, pretending to have integrity and be monogamous — what a twisted ‘game’ he’s been playing with your trust and well-being as he hunts for cheap sex and thrills to prop up his puny, pathetic ego.

It’s not surprising to me that he is also a bully. Even in the face of your heartbreak, he attempted to blame-shift and belittle you for looking at his phone.

He will hate being exposed as the manipulative, morally bankrupt cheat that he is.

@Imustbestupid, I really admire you for definitively taking action. He may have chipped away at your self-esteem, but you have recovered your grit and fortitude. They’ve been in there there all along, and will be of great benefit as you move through the grieving process, from strength to strength.

This grief will pass and you will see that you’re worth more.

fwiw, I’ve had loads of contractors work for us here, some of them have been really decent people.

NOT ONE contacted me for any reason apart from to discuss projects. not a single one.

and… if anyone HAD, I’d have shut it down.

you don’t flirt with people you’re not in a relationship with, and much less a client.

fab swingers is grim. And I’m betting he’s hooked up with others before, you’ve just not caught him.

And I too totally admire you for being brave enough to take the strong and difficult decision to show how much youre really worth.

I am actually beginning to seriously wonder if he has and if I need to get checked healthwise. I thought it was the first time he's met anyone but it may well not be the case. He has been working away for days at a time while gardening - and I naively accepted that.

I can relate to the severe feeling of confusion, the person you trusted, counted on, suddenly lets you down so badly - it seems a complete 180, but of course when we look back little things, not important at the time, make sense.

You put part of yourself into that team effort, so in effect a part of you goes missing, of course, it can return with time.

Most experts reckon 6 to 12 months for it to feel a lot better and the pain to slip away, of course we will never forget, that's important as hopefully it makes us more alert to things in the future.

I’m not sure who works away for days at a time gardening? Why would you need to? That sounds bizarre to me………

I've been popping back to your thread and day OP and rooting for you.

Your updates of how empowered you are feeling are awesome.
What a hero you are!
Best of luck this year, you've got this. 💐

Hmm. He is egocentric and manipulative, frequently works away, has form for messaging a client in an inappropriate manner a year ago, and has now been discovered cheating with a random from Fabswingers. He sounds like a serial Player/Womanizer who has been caught out twice but has hidden many transgressions of various levels. He certainly lacks empathy and a conscience.

Yes, @Imustbestupid, it would be a very wise move to have an STD test. I’m so sorry that he has put you in this position.

OP, when I caught my (now ex) DH seeing another woman I naturally thought because it was the first time I’d caught him, it was the first time he’d done it. After all hell broke loose and I started to look back at our relationship, things that had been stored at the back of my subconscious suddenly started to come to the fore. Things I’d completely dismissed at the time started to become clear. I bluffed that ‘I knew about the girl that time you went xyz’ and other variations of that. He broke down and cried that he had no idea how I’d ’found out’ and admitted to all of it (well, as far as I know). It went back years and had started with flirty banter leading up to having several OW’s on the go at any one time over 22 years. It really made me realise that my gut had somehow known but I just hadn’t listened. It pretty much destroyed me that the majority of my life with him had been one big lie. I felt like Truman Burbank.

OP He trained you with anger not to challenge him in order to live the life he wanted. It’s all on him, not you. I felt like I’d been SO naive in the aftermath but now with time and distance I know that I was a decent person. He wasn’t. He had the morals of an alley cat but was a great actor that had fooled everyone in our family and friendship circles. I agree with others to getting an STi check for your own peace of mind, I did. Keep your head held high. You have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of. If he does try to make contact, block him. Don’t engage. Don’t give him the opportunity to try to gaslight you. If only these men had identifying marks. Good women like us wouldn’t touch them with a barge pole!

Yes, I'm afraid I find it hard to believe that a man in his 50's has suddenly decided out of the blue to join Fabswingers for a random hookup. Especially with his tendency for anger and coercive control towards the OP.

He sounds horrible OP, not just the cheating but the way you've described him in subsequent posts. I hope you come to realise you're worth so much more than always feeling you cannot voice an opinion or are waiting for the next angry outburst. Life's too short to live like that - having a man isn't the be all and end all. I'm married but if anything happended to dh I honestly dont think id ever bother with another man.

I’ve just emailed him to say he needs to get his stuff out of my house asap. There’s masses of it. He literally took over my spare bedroom. Cupboards in my bedroom, the utility room, the garage. I am still oscillating between feeling super sad and super mad. And he has his own place too which is full of stuff. I think he may be a hoarder. I always suspected it. It was another weight around my neck.

God I’ve been such a fool. So stupid.

Give him a timeframe for when the stuff needs to be removed, like by the end of the week, the sooner it is all gone, the better

I wouldn’t want reminders of him around the house

You’re not stupid at all .., sometimes we turn a blind eye and by the sounds of it, because have shouted you down in your own home!
Pleasr done let him in - is there a practical way you can get his stuff outside without him coming inside. I think now he’s gone you are seeing so much more. I think in the long term you will be so happy but at the moment it is shock, turmoil and grief.

I meant he would have shouted you down … he sounds so awful and grim.

You haven't been stupid. You've trusted your partner which is what you're supposed to do.
He however is a weird, lying, hoarding LOSER.
Glad you left him before he dragged you down info his pit.
Well done for getting out if his crap trap!!
🙏😬👌😘👏☀️👌💪🔍🏡😍☀️