He’s got someone else hasn’t he?

[Imustbestupid]

So, my partner of 10 years today suddenly said he had to drive an hour away to meet someone for business. I can’t explain why but I felt a bit off about it. Just his manner somehow. He has, in the past, messaged another woman but I know it went no further. Just flirty comments on his behalf. I saw them all and she shut him down. Anyway, he swore it was over and that was it. This was over a year ago. I tried to get over it but I have to confess I never forgot and never really did get past it. Today, he was gone for five hours. Claimed he has been shopping as well as the business meeting but no shopping to show for it. His phone bleeped and it was a message from a woman on WhatsApp. He literally has no women friends. He has been unusually attentive since getting home. I am going to check his WhatsApp when he is asleep later. Just need a handhold for what I think I will find. Thank you

I am sorry he turned out to be such a turd op. I must admit, I did snort when he said you would encounter this again. THAT is his justification? Everyone does it? Is he 5??

What a sad weirdo and it will not end well for him because, no, not everyone does it and, as he has now learned, most people won’t put up with it. He wouldn’t have put up with you doing it either, no matter what he says, but isn’t that always the case? These shit heads think the rules don’t apply to them.

In terms of sleeping I think you need to physically tire yourself out, to stop your brain spinning. Have a look for a kick boxing workout on YouTube. Punch and kick away (imagine it’s his face or knackers!!) and you will process some anger, release some endorphins and tire yourself out. You will get through this because ultimately? He isn’t worth the steam off your piss.

The sound of rain or 'brown noise' works for me.
You're doing well OP.

Definitely exercise - doesn't have to be a triathlon - walking or gardening counts - during the day helps with sleeping. Go out in your lunch break.

Also for me: no coffee in the afternoons, relaxing bath and book before bed. I find if I can't sleep it's better to get out of bed, go to the loo, get a drink, pick up a book, instead of lying there thinking why can't I sleep.

I find Audiobooks are a godsend, they make you zone out and sleep.

Well done for being strong and not putting up with that awful behaviour from your exDP. What a stupid stupid man he is to have lost you. 💐

Try some melatonin for a while…….

I’d go for herbal tea, bath or shower before bed .. help yourself unwind. Maybe read something so you have a clear head. Random but I would buy myself new bedding and get rid of any familiarity of having him there with you.

Would magnesium help I wonder? It's perhaps worth looking in to, I have seen where it's supposed to help "quiet your brain" - calm it ready for sleep. Just a thought.

Magnesium glycinate is helpful for sleep, as is a walk during the day - lunchtime, as a PP suggested. He's not everyone's cup of tea, but Paul McKenna's sleep hypnosis is on YouTube, that really works for me. Alternatively, there are sleep meditations - I like The Honest Guys and Unlock Your Life channels, again on YouTube.

I listen to audible because I struggle with sleep. I put on something familiar so I'm not concentrating on a new story and inevitably I fall asleep. I will wake often in the night, but just set audible again. I think you are doing really well. It's early days yet. Mourn the loss of the relationship and move on to thinking of something else. And repeat. Eventually you won't think of him as much. That's what I did.

Hope you don't mind the hijack op. I caught my husband of 27 years cheating on me last week. We have two young autisic children. I have posted elsewhere. I'm still so distressed. I had to go to the sti clinic todat to get tested for diseases while trying to keep it together for the kids.
I'll never trust another man after this
And his shitty low life friend who covered for him. I hope they all rot in hell.

Sorry to hear you are not sleeping well. It really is part of the process. Try had keep to the same routine and bedtime. Allow yourself 5 minutes to think about the divorce if you need to then tell yourself that is enough. Just be kind to yourself.

Glad to hear your big orange cat is still snuggling with you despite the collar. I have a little orange girl who is completely mad and despite being 4 years old, looks and sounds like a kitten. She's cuddled up against me now. I love gingers!

Sleeping - I recommend taking a melatonin about an hour before bed, then switch on the shipping forecast on BBC Radio 4 at 00.48. If I haven't fallen asleep to the theme tune 'Sailing By', I definitely fall asleep during the forecast itself: 'Viking, North Utsire, South Utsire Atlantic high expected by midnight one thousand thirty, southwest 57' etc etc etc. I always feel warm and cosy tucked up in my bed listening to reports of weather far away on the high seas and very very seldom make it through the entire forecast.

Stay strong, OP. I've followed your posts from early January and I think you're doing fantastically well - much love to you and your big ginger boy.

Hi there, I find the Don't Think method does help; if I don't nod off, at least I relax more. I have trouble staying asleep, a whole other thread there!
In a nutshell, just get snuggly and relaxed and think" Don't Think" slowly, over and over. Ideally before Big Ginger Cat starts snoring!
It's an off- shoot of the" Don't think of an orange" - and you immediately think of an orange senario. Rumoured to come from front line army who need to sleep, even in noisy war zones.
Good luck with the sleep, and you are doing just great!

Bless you darling. They are cats. I understand. The shitty mates who were full of bravado encouraged it cheered hi on payed him on the back. Arseholes to them all. I'm 30 years down the road. I still see his friends in public and look at them with pity, as most of them ended up cheating on their partners too and ended up saddos. I honestly can look them in the eyes now in the street, they remember the woman who kicked up such a ruckus at the time, they physically ran away from me and hid in their houses when I confronted my ex in front of them. A situation like this certainly sorts the wheat from the chaff. I don't get it do you, I think there is definitely something mentally wrong with them all, they were born like it! I really wish you the very very best and lots of love. If you've got family who support you surround yourself with them. Love. Xxx

So I saw him today. He is living like a tramp in his flat because it is uninhabitable. He told me he showers once a week at his gym. He actually left me roses and a card on Valentine’s Day, WTF. He looks awful. Unshaven, hair a mess, he admitted he hadn’t washed any clothes in the month since we split. I really don’t know how to feel. I pity him but this was his doing. I have to keep telling myself I am not responsible for him or where he is now. He is nearly 60 and l feel sorry for the shit show his life is now. And I’m angry that I got immersed in it for so long.

Well he's got what he deserves then hasn't he? And don't even for a minute think about letting him back into your life because you feel sorry for him, he's brought this situation on himself, so move on, and live your best life, which is what we ALL deserve!

OP whatever you do, don't buckle. He's caused this and he has to live with the consequences. Meanwhile you are getting stronger and stronger and finding the real you again.

Leave the sad cheater to stew in his own juice.

He’s a twat. Don’t be taken in by the ‘poor little me’ line. He could shower at the gym every day if he wanted to and take his washing to the laundrette or pay for a laundry service.

Oh what a shame for him he can't work out how to take his clothes to the laundrette, get a shower, get his flat fixed up...

And he's such the big man eh.

Prick. Let him fester in his own filth, he deserves nothing better! Do NOT feel sorry for him!!!

You are not his mammy.
Tough on him.
He will have to learn new skills and learn to appreciate people, and not lie to them.

Don’t be angry at yourself anymore. You caught him, you kicked him out, you stuck to that, you were super strong. Be PROUD of yourself. You’re better for not having him, though it still hurts. It will get better.

Please don’t feel sorry for him, stay strong and enjoy your lucky escape.

Let this be a lesson to him. Don’t feel pity or empathy for that man.

Ps forgot to say - you sound fabulous.

You think the flowers are to make you remember the good times, to make you feel wanted and loved and cared for. That they’re a token of his remorse
The flowers are actually a token because he needs his laundry doing, would love a hot shower and a decent nights sleep.
There’s a chance this experience has changed him, if he came home I’m quite sure he’d survive a day or two not messaging other women, and making it feel like the old days.
You’ll feel like you can work on things and everything will be better this time.
It won’t. Just as soon as he’s back used to being a man baby and having everything done for him, he’ll be back messaging like nothing happened.
Don't let them £5-10 supermarket flowers open yourself up again. You’ve been so strong so far.

P.s no shade on supermarket flowers, the t3sc0 finest Lillie’s are fab! (Other supermarkets are available).