He’s got someone else hasn’t he?

[Imustbestupid]

So, my partner of 10 years today suddenly said he had to drive an hour away to meet someone for business. I can’t explain why but I felt a bit off about it. Just his manner somehow. He has, in the past, messaged another woman but I know it went no further. Just flirty comments on his behalf. I saw them all and she shut him down. Anyway, he swore it was over and that was it. This was over a year ago. I tried to get over it but I have to confess I never forgot and never really did get past it. Today, he was gone for five hours. Claimed he has been shopping as well as the business meeting but no shopping to show for it. His phone bleeped and it was a message from a woman on WhatsApp. He literally has no women friends. He has been unusually attentive since getting home. I am going to check his WhatsApp when he is asleep later. Just need a handhold for what I think I will find. Thank you

It’s hard but can you make something delicious as an act of self care? Put some music or a podcast on while you cook, have some nibbles and a nice drink to sip, take your time and eat it with a book or a film to look at?

It does get better I promise. I admit it's like a bereavement as your world revolves around them. Take your time. You will notice people will get fed up with talking about it eventually and you will see the signs, and it will upset you. But this is all natural. You will eventually start doing the things you always liked or wanted to do that got pushed to the wayside when you became a couple. I feel for you. But I know from experience you do get through and come out the other side. Best wishes and love xx

Yes but each moment you feel the ‘wall of sadness’ hits they will get fewer and farther between…. each ‘easier’ day will become more frequent…
it sounds ‘cliche’ but healing takes time ….it is possible though … at least you have some company in the form of your ginger cat 🐱
when you feel up to it go on some nature walks or join a pottery/cookery class… learn a new language… you don’t have to be good at any of these things but it will give you something to look forward to and meet a new bunch of people/friends… all you have to remember is you have done the hard part and each day will get easier ❤️

I just thought I would post an update on here as you have all been such a huge help. The weekend gone was awful, I just felt very lost. Plus there was a power cut because of the storm. My broadband was down until today which meant I was in the office which was probably a good thing as I was out and about. I saw him today for a brief chat and to finalise things (money owed etc to each other for various things) and it was helpful. He was so cold towards me. I didn’t say anything about that. But once men move away and switch off they really do, don’t they? Very clinical. But that helps me I think. I need to just move on and I will. Today was another step in that direction. Thanks again to you all. I’ve got a bunch of friends I’m meeting with this weekend coming and I’ll have to tell them a little of this. Why do I feel like the failure here?! (They are all married but I know they won’t judge me. But I judge me and I still feel like a bit of a failure/not good enough).

You’re doing brilliantly and good idea to make some plans with friends for the weekend. You are not remotely a failure he is - as a faithful partner and frankly as a human. Going cold is a big standard psychological defence mechanism - although use of the word ‘psychological’ would suggest he has a brain and I’m not certain that he has one. Sounds like a positive move to discuss things that make the break as clean as possible so that you can start to move forward. Sorry to hear about the broadband and power cut, what a pain, but maybe good to be in the office as you say and have a bit of hustle and bustle around you? How is orange cat doing? Still giving you epic ginger cuddles? I’m supposed to be asleep as have an early start, but didn’t want to run and read. But I meant what I said in my first three words - you ARE doing brilliantly and it’s hard to see when you are in the thick of it, but you’ve come so far and done so much already. Also, it’s almost Thursday so the weekend is in touching distance now. Only another two sleeps and you’ll be with your friends so you can let them lift you up and take your mind off things. Sending love.❤️

Thank you for your message. Sorry to keep you up from your early start! Big orange cat is in bed with me now and he is snoring away. He’s a big orange comfort! X

OP, your friends love you and they will probably be thrilled to have the real you back, not the sad version they've been seeing for however long. You are 51 and fabulous. You will have time and space now to invest in yourself, your health and well being and happiness. His loss, your gain.

OP, there are still people here reading your thread, and ready to drop in with words of support and comfort when you need them, so please keep coming back when you're feeling alone and low, many of us have been there, and know that just a few words from a stranger, can make such a difference.

In some ways what you're going through is like a bereavement, but worse, in as much as the person you are so upset about, is still around, and there's always the chance that you might bump into them. I must admit I've been a bit absent since your early posts, but am so pleased to read how strong you've been, I'm sure it would have been really easy to let him back in when he came grovelling, because you were afraid of being alone, but I am honestly stunned at how strong you've been, a lot of the ladies on MN could do with using you as a role model, as you've been incredibly determined about doing what was right for you, and ignoring his fake apologies, oh, and just for the record, you are not in the least bit STUPID!!

Sending a hug your way, and remember, every day without him will ultimately make you feel that little bit stronger. Take care of yourself.

The others have said it all so I will just offer hugs, crisps, and wine. This will all pass and you will feel better.

Looking back on your posts, he may be cold but it’s not because he’s magically moved on. He’s being like a child who can’t have things his own way. A decent man would have a bit of empathy. But he’s moved from being caught to wanting to move back in to cold in a short space of time. That is a man who has a absolutely no concept of what he has done.
You are a lovely person and by now you are grieving a man who hasn’t really existed for a long time.
While the Saturday night thing was awful, can you imagine if you’d let him stay? And his phone had pinged? You’d still be in that hell, wondering who he was taking to.
You deserve far better.

Some of this coldness and detachment was probably exactly to just upset you. The meeting I suppose was final closure and sorting out in a way the business side of the relationship: I imagine he’s masking a bit of embarrassment and emotion.
I know the weekends are harder as you both had this weekend routine.
Not now if course but when you are healed, is putting yourself out there to find a brand new sparkly man on the agenda?

You’re not a failure at all, as others have said the coldness is all a facade, he’s very annoyed he’s not got his own way and been able to just move straight back in after trampling all over you so you are in fact winning, keep moving forwards and growing stronger and you will see how much you are in fact in charge of the situation and quite the opposite of a failure, he’s just angry he cannot twist and mould you to accept everything he does, good on you you’re doing great!

Thanks everyone. I’m still not sleeping very well - and big orange cat is snoring in bed keeping me awake - so grateful for your messages.

Give yourself grace, it's a big change. Being physically tired will help with the sleeping can you get out for some walks with an audio book?

Anyway, neay the weekend OP! Hope you and the big cat treat yourselves.

Not sure if anyone is still here but if you are, any advice on the not sleeping would be very much appreciated. I must be getting about 4 hours a night. On the positive side, big orange cat’s tummy is much better. He is still hairless but infection is all gone I think. Thanks to all who posted, still appreciate your support. Nearly a month in and onwards and upwards!

Is it falling asleep or staying asleep that you’re struggling with? Audiobooks / radio programme that you can stick on - the more boring the better might help get you off to sleep and / or stop your mind racing. Also exercise during the day to tire your body out! I also think saying to yourself, it really doesn’t matter if you can’t sleep, you’ll go off when you’re ready, can help take the pressure off feeling like you must sleep and trying to force yourself to sleep when you can’t.

Glad your ginger furry hot water bottle is keeping you company 😊

you’re doing so well - I’m so impressed.

It's not just men. Women are cheating lying and untrustworthy as well.

Every man playing away is doing it with a woman (mostly though not exclusively) and they're not all single.

Ok what? Not sure where this came from? I’m just trying to cope with the end of a 10 year relationship and not sleeping. Was this supposed to be helpful?

It’s falling asleep. Can’t do it. I think wfh is really not helping as I don’t get enough exercise. I must try getting out during the day. Thanks for your message

Tell the creep to fuck off forever ..... But be careful how you word it to minimise the fallout. He's still got to get all his stuff out of your house.

Use words like 'incompatible', you're not making each other happy, he hasn't seemed content recently blah blah

Try and make him think a permanent split would be a good idea after all.

Obviously he's backtracking now because he needs a roof over his head. Silly prick.

Wasn't aimed at you. Someone up thread was saying all men are shit and they're not bothering any more.

I've just logged onto this thread and hope things are starting to settle down for you.

As for sleeping, a hot shower and BBC'S R3 sleep tracks or a gentle podcast works for me.

Honestly? I’d try to get my hands on something that will help. Melatonin if you can get it, or one of the antihistamines that makes you drowsy like diphenhydramine or cetirizine.

Once you’ve been sleepless from stress and anxiety for a bit it can be so hard to get your body back into the habit of going to sleep. You go to bed anticipating that you won’t be able to fall asleep and then get anxious about not being able to sleep and then of course you lie awake again. Better to just give your brain a bit of help until it gets back to normal sleeping patterns.

When I split from a partner a few years ago I had trouble sleeping and the best thing I found was not putting myself under pressure to sleep so I read books scrolled Mumsnet and Facebook, did some admin...and if I hadn't had children at home I probably would have done housework!!

Getting outside for a walk would be good as well as doing a sudoku or crossword that helps tire the brain.

Have you tried meditation?
Meditations are usually spoken by someone with a gentle voice and is enough to send anyone to sleep.

You have done so well to end the relationship that wasn't working for you and the future is looking bright 💛

Yoga in the day can help with sleeping at night.

I have found listening to a boring podcast helps. There are a number on Spotify for this purpose. One is by a Scottish guy with a soothing voice who tells stories that distract you but don't make you want to stay awake to see what happens.
https://open.spotify.com/episode/7bCXEIfnoCn5VGPVYO2070?si=OhnzrExjRfa_tE-w0HM9qQ