He’s got someone else hasn’t he?

[Imustbestupid]

So, my partner of 10 years today suddenly said he had to drive an hour away to meet someone for business. I can’t explain why but I felt a bit off about it. Just his manner somehow. He has, in the past, messaged another woman but I know it went no further. Just flirty comments on his behalf. I saw them all and she shut him down. Anyway, he swore it was over and that was it. This was over a year ago. I tried to get over it but I have to confess I never forgot and never really did get past it. Today, he was gone for five hours. Claimed he has been shopping as well as the business meeting but no shopping to show for it. His phone bleeped and it was a message from a woman on WhatsApp. He literally has no women friends. He has been unusually attentive since getting home. I am going to check his WhatsApp when he is asleep later. Just need a handhold for what I think I will find. Thank you

Ugh that sucks. Sorry that happened to you.

Not everything is about money. Sometimes it is just about getting the hell out of somewhere.

Exactly. Peace of mind is priceless.

I just thought it was a shit time and place to make the point

Yes also true.

I'm still here, chearing you on! You are an inspiration. Enjoy the big orange cat and never say never to some future dating (with firm boundaries of course!)

Thanks for all the messages everyone. I have - and continue to - appreciated all the support on here. It’s been a big help. In response to the being married one, I am extremely grateful that I was not. I can only imagine the length of time, trouble and money separating would have taken in that case. I’m not sure what I would have gained from being married? Money I suppose in terms of a settlement. Well, I’d rather have a quick, clean break than that.

Still here and rooting for you op. You've been so incredibly brave and dignified through all this, even if you don't feel like you have! Whenever you have a wobble we'll be here for you and the ginger chonk 😁♥️🐱

Dear God. I am genuinely baffled sometimes by the priorities some people have and how they choose to live.

I lived like this for a long time. It might take a while, but you will come to relish the freedom. You will return to yourself. You will be happy in your own skin. Good luck x

Op, I've followed youi rthread. I think that over time, you're going ot feel even better because I suspect this relationship was much worse than you actually realised. eg you said no financial abuse... and yet you were paying for everything?

Also, him calling other people and ranting is, sadly, not in the slightest bit outing. It's actually remarkably common. It's part of the "woe is me" narrative. It even works sometimes, but often backfires. exBIL is now blocked by almost every one of SIL's friends and family.

Op, if you are stupid, then so am I. My first DH cheated for 20 years. I had no idea. He even slept with my very best mate. I'm glad to say that I left him, and am now married to someone else who doesn't behave this way. Not all men are like this. I can't believe that he suggested to you, that if you got another Partner, they would do the same. WTAF!

Actually, you are right, but with the provisos you mentioned - she is independently wealthy, she just walks away - but what about those women who are NOT independently wealthy and dedicated years of unpaid housework to their 'partner'? What do they do?

Some men seem to be addicted to sex. And like any addiction just needs more and more feeding. They'll never be satisfied 😥

Ah, a kindred spirit.

What is it about these men and their sexual crazies coming out after the age of 40? 🤷 XH had similar bizarre behaviours we split up over.

You're doing great @Imustbestupid Keep going

I'm so sorry to read this, but you've come across as really, really strong and decisive from the get go. You should be proud of how you've handled this! Wishing you and kitty the best future <3

Hey, I’m really sorry you're feeling this way, I can understand why you’re feeling off about everything, especially with the past history. It sounds like you’re trusting your gut, and it's totally okay to want clarity if something feels off. But also, try to consider how you approach it. If you do check his WhatsApp, try to stay calm and not jump to conclusions before you know for sure. It’s important to have an honest conversation with him, too. Either way, I’m here for you and you’re not alone in this.

You are completely mistaken. Married men do this stuff all the time.

Also, the op in this case was completely financially independent so your comments don’t apply.

Stay financially independent is a much better piece of advice to any woman in 2025 than imagining a piece of paper will somehow prevent a cheater from cheating.

And I say this as an idiot who gave up a good career and learnt the hard way.

Just tread carefully. If you catch him out, be prepared for him to turn on you for being a bad wife etcetcetc. If he gets violent, call the police. Talking from experience. Love. Xx

So glad you have updated, i think of you and Orange cat often and i am delighted you are both doing well x

Reading your response to this message, was such a relief OP! It's SO good to hear, that when a woman finds herself in this position, she can actually sling the cheating bastard out if she wants to. All too often women get themselves into situations which force them to put up with horrible behaviour, or then struggle for years to make a new life.

In saying all that, I really do hope for your sake, that you're wrong, but confirm that there ARE good men out there - I've got one!

I see what you are saying, but this is not what I meant - I do not for a second think married men don't cheat and don't leave their spouses, I merely said that at least if you are married and you sacrificed your career by being a sahm to further his, at least you will walk away with 50% of assets, that is all I meant. Unlike a partner who has zero recourse. That is all.

You didn’t Op, he did that! Hope you feel happier soon x

Have you tried a small cat jumper/tee shirt /baby top of some sort that will cover the patch so he doesn't worry it?

He was a stray for a few years after being abandoned by his previous owner so he can be a bit feral. No way I could get clothes on him! I wish I could as this would be simpler. It took 3 of us just to get this collar over his head ...

So I can’t sleep much at the moment as you may know. And I live in Scotland where we have a red warning for absolute carnage tomorrow! All trains, buses and now even supermarkets are off. I hope anyone else on here affected by this does not suffer badly. Big orange cat and I are battened down. 🤞

Stay safe with Big Orange - can you get him some toys he has to hunt and 'skin' and perhaps lick..

I think there are some around but probably horribly expensive.

I've used the lickimats made for dogs, for cats - just spread some suitably tasty lickable stuff (I think you can get paste cat treats, I am not so familiar with cat treats as I am dog ones)... the UFO type lickimat (robust, has suction pads on the back) can be stuck to a smooth hard surface which can let you stick it to some interesting locations to get him moving around and doing, distracting him from self harm.

Small juice bottles (errrrrrr Tropicana the tiny size you get in meal deals or used to) - take off the lid, keep that to one side. Remove the ring from the neck - clean and dry and then pop treats/dry food in and let him batter it around to get the food out.

Next level of difficulty is to make some small holes in the bottle but put the lid on, so its harder to get the food out.

Final difficulty level - get some tiny itty bitty kids socks, pop the treat filled bottle into a sock, so now he has to 'skin' it to get the bottle out, then get food out of the bottle.

You can then make several of these and place them around your house for him to hunt.

Providing outlets for natural behaviours can help calm and distract, and direct his furry brain weasels into something productive.

@Imustbestupid the storm has come as far as the South of England. It’s so annoying that they always come on the weekend!

Oh dear, weekends are the hardest. I always used to go shopping on Saturdays and cook us a nice dinner in the evening. I don’t feel up to doing that when it’s just me. I think I’m doing ok and then a big wall of sadness hits me, which it is doing right now. Big orange cat seems to have caught a cold, he keeps sneezing. I’m going to have to take him back to the vet for the third time. 🙄