He’s got someone else hasn’t he?

[Imustbestupid]

So, my partner of 10 years today suddenly said he had to drive an hour away to meet someone for business. I can’t explain why but I felt a bit off about it. Just his manner somehow. He has, in the past, messaged another woman but I know it went no further. Just flirty comments on his behalf. I saw them all and she shut him down. Anyway, he swore it was over and that was it. This was over a year ago. I tried to get over it but I have to confess I never forgot and never really did get past it. Today, he was gone for five hours. Claimed he has been shopping as well as the business meeting but no shopping to show for it. His phone bleeped and it was a message from a woman on WhatsApp. He literally has no women friends. He has been unusually attentive since getting home. I am going to check his WhatsApp when he is asleep later. Just need a handhold for what I think I will find. Thank you

Good morning, I am glad you are feeling better without him. In a way if you were walking on egg shells around him, this must feel like a great weight has been lifted. I am glad you are feeling more like you!

Your poor ginger cat, hope he’s better soon!

we are all still here and listening so still really good to talk to you and here your updates whether good or bad x

Still here xx

Your doing a great job of rebuilding your life

Hugs OP. We’re still here. It will get better. You’re well rid. ExDH had a midlife crisis and advertised himself for boot licking on BDSM websites. He’s now working in sex clubs in London. I could still do him damage more than ten years on. You will be happy again and happier than before.

Hi OP, you have received great advice and should be proud of the way you are handling this - well done. I just wanted to add a voice of support. I've been through hideous betrayals too and only met and married my lovely dh in my early fifties, so please don't assume you will be alone. You will heal and move on my lovely, wiser but tougher, once the initial shock and hurt has subsided. You are independent so this is a great thing and affords you the important freedom of choice. Proud of you!

I hope you and lovely Big Orange Cat continue to thrive.

I advise you to get an STD check just in case, you have done the right thing getting rid of him although I know it hurts, hope big orange cat is doing ok too

Also still here, and wishing you strength. So glad to hear you are feeling a little better!

Still here. I was you 29 years ago but married with a 3 and a 2 year old. I cried every day for weeks. No mumsnet then , goodness it would have made such a difference to how I coped. You are doing so enormously well. Allow the bad days to happen. I used to sit and howl and then put the kettle on and make toast and carry on. In the end the tears only came in the pre period days and I realised it was more hormonal than tears for the loss of him.
Regarding your sleep problems. When my father was dying my sleep was knocked completely out of cynch. The doctor prescribed Zopiclone. They are addictive so it was a one off prescription and no more. They were brilliant at resetting my sleep and I only took 4 ( 1 per night) before I was back to sleeping at night and not wanting/ needing to sleep in the afternoon. I never needed to take the rest.

Aww bless him - that soft collar is a fantastic idea!

I'm so glad you're doing ok OP. I reckon in the early days after a split, after the initial shock you slowly start to realise all the ways your life is better without them. There are probably things you're doing now and small ways in which you didn't even realise he held you back or negatively affected your life.

It sounds like from what you've said you were never able to fully be yourself around him as he'd get angry if you questioned anything. That's no way to live, I'm not surprised you're feeling better.

Wow that's absolutely grim . Well done for moving on. 👏 What an absolute sleaze.

Of course he hates it. He looks like he got his head stuck through a fake pumpkin! Cats are vain creatures, they hate looking silly!

Glad to hear you are feeling better. It’s as though you’ve had a low-grade persistent infection for many years, and now that it’s cured, you’re still perhaps a bit tired but this chronic drain on your life energy is GONE.

I've only just come across your thread @Imustbestupid and wanted to say that you are doing brilliantly. Your response to the detergent incident made me cackle. He is a complete idiot and you are going to do great without him.

Also your big orange cat is so gorgeous. I am not well today and mine is also curled up on me in bed. They know, don't they? Hope he gets well soon. You keep doing what your doing.

@AngelinaFibres I had the last laugh, I married the love of my life and now have two wonderful DCs with him. ExDH did me a favour.

And ex is probably still licking boots in Soho! 🤮 😂

I know he is! A friend saw him on FB last year 🤢 But his parents found out so he’s got that embarrassment to live with around the dining table every Christmas 😉

Morning @Imustbestupid - we’re all still here!

Have to grin at poor indignant orange cat enduring having a photo taken of him with his new sartorial accessory! Please tell him he looks grand and is clearly a cut above the rest… you know… because he’s a slice of orange… I’ll get my coat.

But seriously, I totally know what you mean, it’s the whole boiling frog thing… doesn’t know it’s in hot water because the temperature increases slowly. I’m so glad to hear you are feeling more like yourself, you are doing brilliantly well by the way. I don’t know if you are someone who likes to mark the changing of the seasons or anything like that, but it’s Imbolc on 1 February which is symbolic of new beginnings and a good time for ‘out with the old and in with the new’ - I’ll have been paid by then so I’m planning a bracing walk along the beach and then lunch somewhere lovely to celebrate turning my back on stuff that didn’t serve me in 2024. I’m going to take a book and sit looking out over the sea, and just reflect and be. I think you (and orange cat) deserve a treat too, do you think you might plan something for that weekend to mark the turning of the page and the end of a chapter? Maybe a nice lunch out for you and some Dreamies for Mr Handsome Neck Ruff?

More about Imbolc: grandmasgrimoire.com/events/imbolc/#:~:text=In%202025%2C%20Imbolc%20will%20be%20observed%20on%20Saturday%2C%20February%201st.&text=Often%20associated%20with%20the%20Celtic,for%20the%20brighter%20days%20ahead.

Good morning.

Sending you a big dose of positivity from Yorkshire, from my heart to yours. Thank you for showing us all how it’s done. Stay strong you powerful, phenomenal woman.x

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48985/phenomenal-woman

I get ripped into on here when I say 'partner' means sweet fa, but I genuinely believe that if you were married, he would have been shit-scared to do it - you would have taken him to the cleaners in your divorce. And now, because there is no status, what can you do? Seriously? You provided 10 years of sex servicing and home provision to him for what exactly? Or am I mistaken and if a 'partner' walks away, they are entitled to things?

Do you genuinely think that this was the right place to post your opinions? Either you are emotionally deficient or you enjoy kicking people when they are down?

Yes and no @Hwi I get where you’re coming from but many married men behave like this too. I don’t know anyone who uses swinger websites but I know from regular dating apps that there are many married men on them using them to find new affair partners. Sometimes they just want sex, other times they’re looking to carry on a full blown and deceptive relationship. I used to have it on my profile “do not contact me if you are married/separated” 😂

I’ve seen threads on MN about men who left them for a woman they met on LinkedIn/Tinder/Facebook after 20 + years of marriage and children etc. A lot of married men seem to be equally reckless.

I don’t know if OP earns more or less than her ex but I think she’s stated she has her own assets and income, so it’s good that although she leaves with “nothing” of his (financially speaking) she also doesn’t have to give him anything.

So you can also look at it as she has no kids or marriage to this man and was able to make a quick and clean break.

Sometimes marriage can be very beneficial but not always.

I disagree. Men don't care if they're married or not if they want to cheat! Nothing will get in the way of a man's ego, lust, desire for attention.

And if there are no children involved and you own your own properties it's makes no sense to get married. Look how easily the OP has been able to cut him off without having the angst of months of solicitors/divorce proceedings/splitting of assets etc.

She's in a great position that lots of women who find out their partners are lying scumbags would dream of!

Are you OK?

Also, I've read many threads where having to divorce from a husband was making the whole leaving process so much harder, as some men (specially the abusive ones) will drag their heels in and make it so, so much harder to leave (remember those threads from Jamaisjedors, for whom it took almost 5 years to divorce the fucker!). So being married doesn't always mean the separation will be fairer/easier/better.

Very true - plus I was married and when I left my husband I took my car, the cats and my clothes. Not everything is about money. Sometimes it is just about getting the hell out of somewhere.

Your response to the PP was more measured than mine - I just thought it was a shit time and place to make the point. We’re here to help the OP not make them ruminate on what could have been done differently. Things are hard enough.

@MagnoliaGirlie I don’t think I’ve read that particular thread but yeah I‘ve read many about abusive, cheating and useless men dragging their feet over leaving the home after the woman files for divorce!

So being married doesn't always mean the separation will be fairer/easier/better.

Absolutely.

And I think some people forget that in todays day and age women are often out earning men and may have more assets. So there’s not always a financial benefit to them marrying when there’s no children involved.