Page 17 | He’s got someone else hasn’t he?

Imustbestupid · 2025-01-11T20:46:39+00:00

So, my partner of 10 years today suddenly said he had to drive an hour away to meet someone for business. I can’t explain why but I felt a bit off about it. Just his manner somehow. He has, in the past, messaged another woman but I know it went no further. Just flirty comments on his behalf. I saw them all and she shut him down. Anyway, he swore it was over and that was it. This was over a year ago. I tried to get over it but I have to confess I never forgot and never really did get past it. Today, he was gone for five hours. Claimed he has been shopping as well as the business meeting but no shopping to show for it. His phone bleeped and it was a message from a woman on WhatsApp. He literally has no women friends. He has been unusually attentive since getting home. I am going to check his WhatsApp when he is asleep later. Just need a handhold for what I think I will find. Thank you

AnonAnonmystery · 19/01/2025 20:38

@Imustbestupid wish there was an angry emoji on here!
only comfort is you did not listen to his bs last week that it was over. You don’t have to look over your shoulder but it’s still very upsetting he threw away your 10 years together :(

Original poster

Imustbestupid · 19/01/2025 20:55

AnonAnonmystery · 19/01/2025 20:38

@Imustbestupid wish there was an angry emoji on here!
only comfort is you did not listen to his bs last week that it was over. You don’t have to look over your shoulder but it’s still very upsetting he threw away your 10 years together :(

Thank you. It is. Really sad. Most of the time I’m super angry but sometimes I just get very sad. They just have no morals do they? Not when they get bored. I was bored too if I’m honest but I would never act like that. I would have tried to fix it.

OP posts:

Hyggehogger · 19/01/2025 21:44

Imustbestupid · 19/01/2025 20:23

I did something stupid tonight. I checked to see when he was last on WhatsApp - where he connected with the woman from fabswingers and had closed it down last Monday. He had not been on it since. Now I see he was on at 11.45pm last night. He’s clearly hooking up with her again. I know, I know we’re done and I ended it but god it still hurts. She has the same name as me. Do they have no shame?

I’m assuming his earlier claims that he was going to ‘fight for you’ have come to nothing then?
Whilst this is inevitably painful for you - seeing him back to his grim antics will hopefully give you an ‘ick boost’. When you have a wobble, remember that this dirty bastard is doing with his time now - feel the full force of that ick
And whatever you do don’t go on Fabswingers and catfish him 😉

FasilBalti · 19/01/2025 21:51

Imustbestupid · 12/01/2025 23:13

This might be the gin talking but you lot - and my big orange cat - have literally got me through the day.

Aww, big orange cats are always a little bit of sunshine in the storm 😺

Original poster

Imustbestupid · 19/01/2025 22:03

SoMuchWastedTime · 18/01/2025 23:09

I'm in a very similar position except I've been much weaker than you. 11 year relationship, he helped with my aging parents and was always there for us. I'm 54, I feel so lost now, my emotions are all over the place. Mine has been doing sleazy stuff since the very beginning, I didn't know at first. He used to be so sorry. I've just kept trying to make it work and totally lost myself in the process. Christmas has been hell, I found out just before that he was sleeping with someone else. He's not sorry this time, he's cold. We got back together last Sunday, he was kind, he made so many promises but my gut wasn't convinced, 2 days later it was all over again, he exploded and said we were done. I know it will never work, he is just destroying me, but it's so difficult, so much history, my support system gone and all I've known for 11 years. The one I need to hold me and be there for me is the person doing this to me.

How are you @SoMuchWastedTime ?

OP posts:

2025willbemytime · 19/01/2025 22:12

Imustbestupid · 12/01/2025 10:29

I put up with a lot of stuff from him over the years. Things I never told anyone about. I am not strong, it took me a long time to get here. He was always very very angry if ever we argued so I stopped arguing because it was easier. If I had an opinion he disagreed with he would just shut it down so I stopped voicing opinions. I am a shell of the person I was and I don’t think I fully realised that. Is it something about a boiling frog - is that the analogy? I’m only starting to realise it now

I m so sorry for what has happened but I have to disagree. You ARE strong as you made a quick and decisive decision that was best for you. I kept quiet etc as also worried but now divorced. Happy to not be with him but heartbroken at what has happened. You'll be okay. You're doing what is best for you. Don't worry about seeing him around. Hold your head up high. You've done nothing wrong.

DownwardDuck · 19/01/2025 22:55

I just read through all your posts, and you are very strong, you must not think you have been "foolish" or "stupid' because you have not. You have been trusting and honest and that's the best anyone can do.

I'm glad you have a cat, have kicked that man out and that you told him to go to the shops for detergent. That was quite funny.

Please get a general STD panel testing, for your own peace of mind. And I hope your cat gets better soon.

Sending hugs.

SoMuchWastedTime · 19/01/2025 23:26

I'm not sure, he's been messaging me today apologising, I really thought it was done, no going back this time, I was trying to accept it, to move on, I've never been that far. I don't know, I'm quite shut down to him in a way but also, I don't think I can face starting again and I don't want to throw it all away after coming this far, people will say I'm weak , in a way I am, but I do have boundaries, I don't just accept the bad stuff, I may well see how it goes. give it a chance. It's not as black and white as people make out, not for me anyway!. I'm conscious people will think I'm really stupid. I wish I was near you, I'd love to come round for a good chat, I can relate to you so much x

Original poster

Imustbestupid · 20/01/2025 00:02

SoMuchWastedTime · 19/01/2025 23:26

I'm not sure, he's been messaging me today apologising, I really thought it was done, no going back this time, I was trying to accept it, to move on, I've never been that far. I don't know, I'm quite shut down to him in a way but also, I don't think I can face starting again and I don't want to throw it all away after coming this far, people will say I'm weak , in a way I am, but I do have boundaries, I don't just accept the bad stuff, I may well see how it goes. give it a chance. It's not as black and white as people make out, not for me anyway!. I'm conscious people will think I'm really stupid. I wish I was near you, I'd love to come round for a good chat, I can relate to you so much x

Oh goodness I thought this too (the having a chat thing) as I think we are in very similar boats. Everything you said about not wanting to give it all up, about wasted time and being scared about starting again, I totally get all of that. Where do you live? (Am I allowed to ask that on here?) But honestly you are not stupid. I thought I was for many years but we are not. We just thought the best of people who really didn’t deserve it. Please don’t give him another chance, at least not now. Give it a little time. Start a thread of your own. I would honestly give you my contact details but I don’t think we’re allowed on here. I feel for you.

OP posts:

stampin · 20/01/2025 00:07

OP, press the 3 little dots, top right, PM...private message.

This is on a laptop, not sure about phone.

Original poster

Imustbestupid · 20/01/2025 00:21

SoMuchWastedTime · 19/01/2025 23:26

I'm not sure, he's been messaging me today apologising, I really thought it was done, no going back this time, I was trying to accept it, to move on, I've never been that far. I don't know, I'm quite shut down to him in a way but also, I don't think I can face starting again and I don't want to throw it all away after coming this far, people will say I'm weak , in a way I am, but I do have boundaries, I don't just accept the bad stuff, I may well see how it goes. give it a chance. It's not as black and white as people make out, not for me anyway!. I'm conscious people will think I'm really stupid. I wish I was near you, I'd love to come round for a good chat, I can relate to you so much x

I think I might have sent you a private message. I’m a tech idiot so hope it worked!

OP posts:

thismotherhoodthing · 20/01/2025 07:12

Imustbestupid · 18/01/2025 17:18

So to all those who warned me to look out for the anger, we’ve had that. But not directed at me strangely enough. Yet. It would be very outing to say what he did but he essentially contacted mutual acquaintances and had a - totally uncalled for - rant at them. I went shopping today and felt very sad, seeing all the couples and families. It suddenly hit me that I will probably never have that now.

I have been reading this thread but had to comment here. Who is to say you will never have that!? And also, you are people in public but you don't know what is going on behind closed doors or how happy they are. No one really knows anything about other people's lives but we all assume we do.

Please please please know your self worth. You are a strong woman (even if you don't feel like it) and you don't have to settle for being treated in a way you don't deserve. This person is not worthy of you, it doesn't matter how complex or not-straight forward you think it is. Ultimately when it comes down to it, he has crossed a line. It's a brave thing to do to accept that but I think you are probably braver than you think. Think about what you would tell a close friend to do in your situation. You've got this

AnonAnonmystery · 20/01/2025 07:13

@Imustbestupid @SoMuchWastedTime what you are referring to is the sunk cost fallacy. It’s the reason we sometimes put up with the crap that we do - to preserve the good memories and time invested. I am glad you ladies can chat together and try and get through this very very hard time.
@SoMuchWastedTime i really do think you should start your own thread for depth of option and help. Please post the link on here if the op doesn’t mind. I think the hardest thing is when someone is your world and they trample all over your heart relentlessly, chance after chance.
Take care ladies, have to start my once fortnightly commute to work :(

thismotherhoodthing · 20/01/2025 07:15

Apologies I read the comment below from another poster and thought you were considering going back there and got very protective! Just realised that was another poster

Ceecee2422 · 20/01/2025 10:09

SoMuchWastedTime · 19/01/2025 23:26

I'm not sure, he's been messaging me today apologising, I really thought it was done, no going back this time, I was trying to accept it, to move on, I've never been that far. I don't know, I'm quite shut down to him in a way but also, I don't think I can face starting again and I don't want to throw it all away after coming this far, people will say I'm weak , in a way I am, but I do have boundaries, I don't just accept the bad stuff, I may well see how it goes. give it a chance. It's not as black and white as people make out, not for me anyway!. I'm conscious people will think I'm really stupid. I wish I was near you, I'd love to come round for a good chat, I can relate to you so much x

No it’s not as black and white, a lot of us will have already been in the same sort of situation because let’s face it the majority of men today are not what they once were BUT you have to have some self respect and dignity to find those good ones in the first place and you will NEVER find them while putting up with a bad one………

Original poster

Imustbestupid · 22/01/2025 23:40

Big orange cat update - he has a severe allergic reaction so I bought him a big orange collar that was soft to stop him washing his tummy. The one from the vets was hard plastic. In lesser news, I’m actually feeling much better following split from DP. I feel more like me. Not sure anyone is even looking on this thread anymore but if you are thanks for your help in the awful, early days

OP posts:

Andithoughtiwasspecial · 22/01/2025 23:43

Imustbestupid · 22/01/2025 23:40

Big orange cat update - he has a severe allergic reaction so I bought him a big orange collar that was soft to stop him washing his tummy. The one from the vets was hard plastic. In lesser news, I’m actually feeling much better following split from DP. I feel more like me. Not sure anyone is even looking on this thread anymore but if you are thanks for your help in the awful, early days

Bless 🙌

Incakewetrust · 22/01/2025 23:49

I'm still here OP 👋

I'm so glad you're starting to feel more like yourself. It's so freeing when you escape the clutches of a narcissist.
I hope the shite ends up miserable!

Give big orange cat a cuddle from me! He looks so cuddly 😍 I love his new protective collar! You'll have to send me the link

Original poster

Imustbestupid · 23/01/2025 00:05

Incakewetrust · 22/01/2025 23:49

I'm still here OP 👋

I'm so glad you're starting to feel more like yourself. It's so freeing when you escape the clutches of a narcissist.
I hope the shite ends up miserable!

Give big orange cat a cuddle from me! He looks so cuddly 😍 I love his new protective collar! You'll have to send me the link

It was from Amazon. He absolutely hates it and keeps trying to pull it off but way better than the one from the vets. He and I are doing ok. I am really feeling so much better after such a short time, I’m surprised. I think I must have felt quite bad for quite a long time and not realised if that makes sense?

OP posts:

HallidayJones6779 · 23/01/2025 04:08

Still here too OP. Glad to hear that you are already feeling more positive! You’re amazing xxx

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 23/01/2025 06:22

Also here and it's brilliant to hear that your feeling better. Honestly, it's onwards and upwards from here.

Not so good about big orange cat, what a wee soul, although that collar does look much better than the hard plastic ones. Did the vet say what he was allergic to?

Elasticatedtrousers · 23/01/2025 06:24

Great to hear you're feeling brighter. You deserve it!

AlertCat · 23/01/2025 06:44

That feeling is probably relief, these things often build up over time. So glad you’re feeling better.

Horses7 · 23/01/2025 06:53

You’re doing so well - good luck for the future.

cherrytree12345 · 23/01/2025 07:12

Pleased to hear you and big orange cat are both on the mend
Big hugs to you both