He’s got someone else hasn’t he?

[Imustbestupid]

So, my partner of 10 years today suddenly said he had to drive an hour away to meet someone for business. I can’t explain why but I felt a bit off about it. Just his manner somehow. He has, in the past, messaged another woman but I know it went no further. Just flirty comments on his behalf. I saw them all and she shut him down. Anyway, he swore it was over and that was it. This was over a year ago. I tried to get over it but I have to confess I never forgot and never really did get past it. Today, he was gone for five hours. Claimed he has been shopping as well as the business meeting but no shopping to show for it. His phone bleeped and it was a message from a woman on WhatsApp. He literally has no women friends. He has been unusually attentive since getting home. I am going to check his WhatsApp when he is asleep later. Just need a handhold for what I think I will find. Thank you

Hello, thanks for your message. Today has been really tough, I'm not sure why. I suppose I just keep thinking a week ago today everything was fine - but it wasn't obviously as he must have been messaging her to sort out their initial hook up on the Saturday. But big orange cat and I are doing ok. Thank you for asking, I appreciate it, really do. The support on here has been invaluable

Glad to here both you and big orange cat are doing ok. Some days will be hard but you have managed a week so you can do another. x

On a different note, big orange cat has lost a patch of fur on his tummy and his tummy is red. Could he be stressed by the change in circumstances? Or is it something else? I fear a costly vets visit! ...

Fur loss... could be stress, though if its red that suggests some sort of irritant. Stress can make cats self harm either by over grooming or scratching at themselves... but then an irritant can also make them do that, or just annoy the skin so the hair falls out.

I think the vets is inevitable here unfortunately - but at least Big Orange appreciates your care and if he does get in a huff can probably be bought off pretty easily with some snacks.

Oh no, poor boy. Have you noticed him grooming that part more than usual? It is possible he's a little stressed because of the change.

If it's only a small patch, buy a feliway plug in diffuser. I have one for upstairs and another for downstairs and that chills my cat out in stressful situations (fireworks night etc.).

Is big orange cat insured? I have free video call vet advice with my cat's insurance. Check your policy if you have one.

Big hugs to you both ❤️❤️

Yes big orange cat is insured. It's quite a big patch but he's not grooming it excessively. I got him a heat pad recently and he lies on it a lot but it doesn't get really hot. I'll keep an eye on it. He's absolutely fine otherwise.

Thanks you lot again. I've read some messages I missed in the heat of it all earlier in the week. You've been brilliant and a big help. I'll change my user name soon and come back and offer advice to others, I'm very grateful x

Could it be an allergic reaction to material of the heat pad?

Whatever it is I know you'll look after big orange cat 😺

And make sure you are also looking after yourself ❤️

My DD's cat had this issue. The bald patch developed really quickly She took him straight to the vet who gave him medication and the excessive grooming stopped. The vet did tell her that early intervention in the key the longer you leave it the harder it is to treat. He is a very stressy cat. It was just one visit to the vet and one lot of medication to sort the problem

Sorry forgot to say I hope you are feeling ok, be kind to yourself - you need looking after too

So to all those who warned me to look out for the anger, we’ve had that. But not directed at me strangely enough. Yet. It would be very outing to say what he did but he essentially contacted mutual acquaintances and had a - totally uncalled for - rant at them. I went shopping today and felt very sad, seeing all the couples and families. It suddenly hit me that I will probably never have that now.

It's easy to imagine all those couples and families being happy and living the life you'd like for yourself. In truth, some of them will be miserable, dysfunctional or living a lie. Some of those people will be desperate to escape their marriage/partnership and some of them might be 'playing away' with someone else's partner!

Perhaps you could look for confident and happy women on their own or with female friends and imagine your future like that?

Oh poor wee love 💕

They’re so predictable aren’t they? The script doesn’t change. every time he does something like this It should remind you that you’ve done the right thing by ending it. I hope your friends and acquaintances told him where to go in no uncertain terms!

It’s natural that you will feel like you’re missing out on being part of a loving couple but PP are right, so many of those couples you were looking at have their own dirty secrets. looking from the outside in is never what it seems.

My cat developed a bald patch like that, never really found out the cause but the vet suggested giving her half a Piriton. She said to buy them from the chemist as it would be much cheaper. I happened to mention to the chemist that they were for my cat and they refused to sell them to me in that case!! Anyway bought elsewhere and it did clear it up although it took a while for the fur to grow back. It's quite possible your cat is feeling a little stressed, or likely an allergy to something. Hope you and orange boy are ok OP

Piriton - I take those! Thank you. Big orange cat has a secondary infection according to the vet and had antibiotics. He also has a collar to stop him washing the bald patch. Tried to get it on, he was not having it! I’ll have to enlist my parents help tomorrow to hold him down!

Poor big orange cat. Big hugs to you both 😺❤️

There are 2 types of piriton btw. Idk about cats. But I was told to give my dog Chlorphenamine. I get this from the chemist but that then has to be for human use. It does wonders for my dog’s ears as well and I found out quite by chance as used to make a load of ear wax and now doesn’t so it must have been allergy related.

I'm in a very similar position except I've been much weaker than you. 11 year relationship, he helped with my aging parents and was always there for us. I'm 54, I feel so lost now, my emotions are all over the place. Mine has been doing sleazy stuff since the very beginning, I didn't know at first. He used to be so sorry. I've just kept trying to make it work and totally lost myself in the process. Christmas has been hell, I found out just before that he was sleeping with someone else. He's not sorry this time, he's cold. We got back together last Sunday, he was kind, he made so many promises but my gut wasn't convinced, 2 days later it was all over again, he exploded and said we were done. I know it will never work, he is just destroying me, but it's so difficult, so much history, my support system gone and all I've known for 11 years. The one I need to hold me and be there for me is the person doing this to me.

@SoMuchWastedTime This sounds awful, and the most sad thing about your story is that you stayed with a man who clearly has no respect or consideration for you. It doesn’t sound like he even likes you.

I know it will never work, he is just destroying me, but it's so difficult, so much history, my support system gone and all I've known for 11 years. The one I need to hold me and be there for me is the person doing this to me.

I know it’s easier said than done but you need to get some self love and respect yourself enough to get out this situation. And if you’re still sexually active with him - get tested asap. This man is abusing you so you don’t need him to be there to hold you. You need to get out and perhaps see a therapist too.

You should maybe start your own thread and I don’t mean that in a rude way, but just simply because you might get a lot of support and good advice for your specific situation.

Your Partner’s faithless behavior is horrendous, @SoMuchWastedTime. Please start a thread so we can offer you the support you deserve.

He clearly does not value monogamy, honesty or fairness. It sounds like he thrives on illicit gratification, which is all about his deep character flaws, including selfishness, entitlement, leaky boundaries, and a lack of empathy. Let his affair and abusive treatment be the impetus for a new path for you. Ending things is scary, but you will move through the grieving process and find peace and fulfillment on the other side. The grim alternative is a future filled with dread, mistrust and anxiety. Consider seeking IC for support, as well as the survivinginfidelity website.

Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry to read this. We put up with so much don’t we because we want to believe the best in others and I think because we are scared of change. Also, in my case, I’ll fully admit that I didn’t think I could cope on my own - despite being on my own for a few years before this relationship. It’s like you get sucked in and you’re right, you do lose a bit of yourself. However awful I might feel right now, there’s a bit deep down that is relieved I no longer have to worry what he’s up to or where he is. Have you started your own thread on here? Also, and I think this applies to you too, my ‘dp’ clearly did not respect me or our relationship. You call him your support system, he is not. It sounds like he never really was. He is the opposite of a support system.
Come back to edit this to say, please do start your own thread. I’m only a week in to this and I found the initial help on here absolutely amazing. I felt so much less alone, like there was a big bunch of people behind me, cheering me on. I re read messages at 1, 2, 3 in the morning when I couldn’t sleep. I told them more about it all than people IRL. Someone on here said something like ‘well of course when your partner joins fabswingers it’s over. Urgh’. That message pops into my head every single day and helps me feel strong. It is these men’s weak characters and selfishness that have made us feel so awful. This is nothing to do with you. We both made a bad choice that sadly we stuck with for too long.

@Imustbestupid I think weekends are particularly hard as it’s a time speaking personally where I’m not distracted by work and do coupley things with my dp if it’s my life weekend with their dad. It’s only a week in but ..,, you might want to consider things where you can meet others. Walking group and Women’s institute ( lots of varied ages so don’t rulrvit out). Though for now totally fine to be buried under a duvet eating ice cream x

Meant kids weekend with DD.

I did something stupid tonight. I checked to see when he was last on WhatsApp - where he connected with the woman from fabswingers and had closed it down last Monday. He had not been on it since. Now I see he was on at 11.45pm last night. He’s clearly hooking up with her again. I know, I know we’re done and I ended it but god it still hurts. She has the same name as me. Do they have no shame?