He’s got someone else hasn’t he?

[Imustbestupid]

So, my partner of 10 years today suddenly said he had to drive an hour away to meet someone for business. I can’t explain why but I felt a bit off about it. Just his manner somehow. He has, in the past, messaged another woman but I know it went no further. Just flirty comments on his behalf. I saw them all and she shut him down. Anyway, he swore it was over and that was it. This was over a year ago. I tried to get over it but I have to confess I never forgot and never really did get past it. Today, he was gone for five hours. Claimed he has been shopping as well as the business meeting but no shopping to show for it. His phone bleeped and it was a message from a woman on WhatsApp. He literally has no women friends. He has been unusually attentive since getting home. I am going to check his WhatsApp when he is asleep later. Just need a handhold for what I think I will find. Thank you

He’s trying the helpless little me act.
Not so helpless not letting you have an opinion
Not so helpless arranging meet ups with whatever random will take him online
But now reality has hit he can’t wash some clothes on his own. It’s not a great look is it OP, this supposed desired cock of a man needing detergent from his ex. You’ve lost nothing OP. Just got rid of 12 stone of useless.

Have a lovely evening. You could get yourself Prosecco that would be all yours. Or have a long luxurious bath with music and a trashy novel.

Should have said I’m not surprised you dirty old sod………he can take his clothes with him Thursday………

Might be worth investing in a camera doorbell like Ring or Blink (there’s others too that are cheaper)

That way if he comes to your door again, you’ll see him on the camera and you won’t even have to get up. You can just shout “Fuck Off” through the doorbell speaker 🤣

What an utter, utter twat he is Op. He behaves like that and thinks he'll just drop by to borrow something thinking you'll relent and fall into his arms. I don't know you but he's making me angry on your behalf.
He's nearly 60 and he thinks everyone is a scumbag like him, he's basically saying you should take me back because the next one will be just as bad. If it's a choice between that and the cat, well, your cat looks lovely, I love a ginger cat.

My big ginger cat has stuck by me like glue today. Literally following me everywhere (not that I’ve gone far - been mainly reading) He has shown far more emotional intelligence than ex twat!

Cats are complicated @Imustbestupid , they can be strange but sometimes they can be just perfect. He knows there's something wrong, he reads your body language, so he's being a sweetheart. I'd take the cat over your Ex any day

Definitely testing the water. He's not doing washing. And if he was the shop was the place to go.

Keep strong OP.

No, I interpret his comment to mean it’s the ‘nature of the beast’ to cheat … that most men will cheat. He is attempting to normalize infidelity.

Not doing so well right now…

@Imustbestupid, of course, that is to be expected. The adrenaline from discovery has worn off and you are now left with deep grief and trauma. This is a shock and a loss so you’ll feel very ill for a while, but you will recover, heal and thrive without his toxicity in your life.

As he has abused you via his infidelity and his use of anger to subjugate and shut down your feelings/opinions, a part of you may be trauma bonded to him and the ripping of that bond will be gutting. Research that dynamic. Thank heavens you now have a very clear eye, are repelled by his disgusting behavior, and are determined to walk a new path. Consider accessing IC for support and clarity.

So the snake has slithered up to your door and asked for detergent??? He obviously assumed you’d weaken and he could begin the process of bamboozling you. Kudos for stopping him in his tracks and refusing to engage!

Your big orange boy is a star! 🐈 🌟 He knows you are hurting and wants to help and comfort you. What a blessing he is.

You're doing great @Imustbestupid and you're definitely not stupid!

I hope you stay strong and although bad days are normal, and inevitable, they will lessen with time.

I also have a ginger lovebug snuggling me ... they definitely know when you're under the weather/ sad.

Awww your one is lovely. They are definitely real personalities aren’t they? Mine was at the vet last week for an allergic reaction and the vet mentioned the word diet - she thinks he’s a bit big. I think he’s just an orange cat! (They would look odd if all skinny)

This is my first time ever to post on here.

@Imustbestupid

You are a QUEEN!!! You should be so proud of yourself!!! I was in a relationship for 10 years, married for 7 and the exact same thing happened to me. I honestly thought my life was over! The humiliation I felt was like nothing I had ever experienced before. The minute he got back from Dubai and greeted me...my heart dropped into my stomach and just knew from the hug (lame hug) and lack of eye contact he made when I picked him up, I just knew... I struggled for 2.5 years trying to wrap my head around where did it all go wrong. Talking to others had them all in a depression right along with me as his saintly behaviour, charm and charisma had the literal planet questioning their own sanity and their own judgement skills on how the hell did he put on such a charming charade and had me and everyone fooled. I blamed myself for my stupidity! And just like that, this lovable, kind, caring, charming man evaporated before my eyes and a demonic version took his place. When confronted he called me a F psychotic B and I honestly was almost more devastated by having being called all that than learning he had been having an affair with my work colleague. He had never ever raised his voice at me or so much as said the word sh*t in my presence let alone all the other things that he called me. Just know that you have dodged a bullet! I am 48 and this happened to me 12 years ago and I have never looked back or felt more empowered. Honestly, when your gut tells you it's off...know that it's off!!! Trust your gut!
I love the fact that you chucked him out, that made me laugh out loud! Please know that you will get through this! It is really hard as it feels like there has been a death and it's hard to make sense of anything. If it was a bad relationship with a lot of conflict, then it would probably feel like a huge relief, but it my case there was no conflict. It was all too perfect all the time...I feel really awful for you that you're having to go through this, but at the same time immensely proud of you that you are not wasting another second on this shallow coward! The worst has already happened!!! And now for the glow up as you want to be seen looking like a Queen when he walks by you in public! I can't wait to hear more about what that is going to be like seeing him and you're glowing because you got rid of this dead weight! 51 and fabulous! Staring 2025 with a bang! Let's go!!!!

This for sure, get all his stuff into the garage and don’t let him in, if you really have to, make sure you have other people there.

Oh and if he is coming in the house, make sure you’ve hidden all your private stuff, bank account details etc.

Oh my goodness, I feel very honoured that your first post on here was to me. I’m so sorry you had to go through all that. It’s so baffling when they come across almost as two different people isn’t it? My mum said she never, ever could have imagined he would do anything like he has done. She - and I - cannot reconcile this person with the person we thought we knew and - like you - for 10 years!! I am pleased you have moved on and you sound so positive, that’s fantastic. Onwards and upwards!
(And your remark about judgement skills, yes that too. I’ve already said that to my parents several times. Doubting them big time)

Thanks for this but I really believe this is not anything I need to worry about. He lived here for 9 years and never even took so much as £1 I have in my loose coin store. There’s absolutely no financial abuse at all. Just him dicking about with a random on a swinging website. Urgh.

@Imustbestupid You have absolutely not been stupid! You sound like an empath, a kind person and someone who trusts others and sees the good in people. It is rare to find people like this these days as so many of us are so damaged by these negative experiences that alter the course of how we see others forever and not always in a positive way! Please don't be hard on yourself. Know that this kind of coward have a certain way about them and they prey on people's kindness. All he had to do was let you know this is what he was into and this is maybe what he now wants to do and he could have given you that choice, but instead due to the fact that he is a coward, a heartless one at that...he chose what he chose! What is done in the dark will ultimately come to the light!!! It has nothing to do with you, your personality, your looks, you being bad in bed...nothing AT ALL!!! A weak person cannot be measured against a strong independent woman! You have dodged the ULTIMATE bullet! I know that it doesn't feel that way right now as you love this person and it is so hard to make any sense of it. Just know that this was God's divine intervention, His protection and His redirection! God has a better plan for your life. Sending you a huge virtual hug.

Oh thank you again @PinkGypsy. I am guilty of generally trusting other people when I first meet them but I guess that’s not a bad way to be. I’d rather do that than be a suspicious person, that must be a hard and cynical way to be. I can honestly say that being on here for the past two days has been an absolute lifesaver. I do not feel alone, it feels like people here can empathise with me and offer good advice. While I’ve told some people IRL you do always limit what you say. I feel a bit ashamed, like it’s partly my fault, but coming here I know it’s not.

I was married for 32 years and then went through the same as you, my ex was always honest with money etc, but when I split from him he took details of my bank accounts and tried to hack into them, I don’t think he was after stealing the money, but simply trying to keep control ! Just be careful and look after yourself x

@Imustbestupid Awww, you are welcome. I really connected with what you said and I can feel what this has done to you just from reading what you wrote. I think posting on here is like almost therapeutic as it helps others see that their responses and their reactions are valid and justified and that no they are not overreacting. As when you confront the person that has done this to you, they spin such a web of lies that you cannot see the forest from the trees as they do anything and everything to confuse you and paint you as crazy, paranoid and everything in between! When you tell others what has just happened they are in such shock and disbelief that they cannot reconcile or wrap their head around what you are saying. The disbelief hits them like a tornado! It honestly feels like you are having an out of body experience and you just feel paralyzed, the shock, the numbness and then you go on a frenzied self-attack where you pick away at your own personality questioning every ounce of your being! At how could you be so blind? You torture yourself and you just keep going....Know that this has nothing to do with who you are as a human and everything to do with them. It is still very raw and real, but you will get past this. You already took that first step and instead of being in denial you confronted him and you immediately booted him out! Most of us stay in the above state as I did for months on end as the pain and grief is so unbelievable and we can't pick ourselves up, but you did and you are doing it!!! One step at a time, stay busy, take your own time at how you heal, there is no expiry date on how quickly you need to get through this pain... Journal, be in nature, listen to music, do things that you love, listen to empowering podcasts and set yourself little goals, treat yourself to a nice massage, it's all the little things that gather momentum and help to propel us forward. And above all, please be kind to yourself and give yourself GRACE!

No woman can every be prepared for a swinger so please don't waste energy beating yourself up.

This is a nasty abusive man who controlled you with anger.

He is a violent man.
Do not underestimate what he is capable of.
You are a shell of a person, completely silenced by him.
Be very very wary.
You have no idea what he is capable.

I have heard of a supposedly quiet men turning violent after 30 years when found out about cheating.
No one could believe it.
He violently pushed his wife and she lost her balance, fell, split her head and her daughter arrived into this unbelievable scene.

They divorced so quickly without his opposition because as a solicitor a conviction would have destroyed his career and reputation....even though more people know than he realises.

His two daughters have completely shunned him.
His wife still can't believe both the cheating and violence from him. She actually thought they were happy, poor woman.

None of us ever completely know another human being, no matter what we think.
Stay safe.

Oh do be careful here lovely.
Mine went on fab swingers and got caught out.
He said it was all fantasy, loads of bollocks.
He was shagging a friend from school ( they were 50) at the same time..he was hedging his bets, a fab swinger or a gullible idiot from his past.
Guess what he said later when found out?
They meant nothing, I need to be on my own, I'm actually the victim in all of this, I'm just going to concentrate on me and the kids!
Fucking cheating arsehole script bastards!
You my darling are doing fucking fabulous and I salute you xxx

Thank you. Absolutely never fails to completely astound me what they will throw away for a shag with a stranger! And yes I’ve had the ‘it means nothing’ cr*p. Hug to you for him having two women, christ. One’s bad enough to cope with! They are a shallow breed - some at least

I have a ginger female - she's quite small, I fostered her at three weeks old and she's four years old now and as big as she's ever going to get. She is mad as a hatter! But she has the loudest purr and makes us laugh, and spends a lot of time just winding round our legs and looking up at us and grinning before curling up in one of her several favourite spots looking ridiculously cute.

Your boy is fabulous. #LoveThoseGingers

Good luck @Imustbestupid - I recommend getting a Ring doorbell so you can see who's at your door. Or just get one of their stick=up cams either battery or electric plug in, and put it inside on a windowsill overlooking the front area, will work just as well. About £50, and peace of mind.

Only some, let’s not tar them all with the same brush, there are some excellent men out there who would never behave like this and wouldn’t be that stupid to throw away so much for a quick s**g