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Original poster

He’s got someone else hasn’t he?

669 replies

Imustbestupid · 11/01/2025 20:46

So, my partner of 10 years today suddenly said he had to drive an hour away to meet someone for business. I can’t explain why but I felt a bit off about it. Just his manner somehow. He has, in the past, messaged another woman but I know it went no further. Just flirty comments on his behalf. I saw them all and she shut him down. Anyway, he swore it was over and that was it. This was over a year ago. I tried to get over it but I have to confess I never forgot and never really did get past it. Today, he was gone for five hours. Claimed he has been shopping as well as the business meeting but no shopping to show for it. His phone bleeped and it was a message from a woman on WhatsApp. He literally has no women friends. He has been unusually attentive since getting home. I am going to check his WhatsApp when he is asleep later. Just need a handhold for what I think I will find. Thank you

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Arlanymor · 13/01/2025 11:00

Imustbestupid · 13/01/2025 10:57

Big orange cat in bed

Oh he's such a love! Nothing like the love of a marmalade! What a handsome chap!

I think you're doing tremendously. I always think in situations like this it would be so helpful to be visited by a Dickensian Ghost of Relationship Future where it would show you being blissfully happy, empowered, and feeling great.

As it is we have to trust that there is something better for us in the future and there absolutely is for you - you just don't know it yet. Keep being brilliantly strong - you have absolutely got this, stand in your power. And have lots more medicinal cat cwtches.

BlueSky2024 · 13/01/2025 11:05

Imustbestupid · 13/01/2025 10:18

Not doing so well right now. I feel sick and shakey - delayed shock? To those who asked about finances I pay all the bills here and they are all in my name. He did contribute a bit but not much at all, just the odd bit of cash to help out. He bought food too. My big orange cat has actually got into bed with me - first time he’s done that.

Give yourself a duvet day if you can to recover and listen to some uplifting podcasts, the last couple of days have been traumatic for you so you deserve it

Think of how much better your life will be without him…. You are free

LushLemonTart · 13/01/2025 11:16

Imustbestupid · 13/01/2025 10:57

Big orange cat in bed

Animals are so instinctive.

PoodleFaceAche · 13/01/2025 11:22

Well done. It's blissful to be alone in my opinion. No one to answer to, no one to please and no one to irritate you. Your big orange cat sounds like the best companion ever! x

Horses7 · 13/01/2025 11:25

Keep strong - you know what to do. Hold your head up and begin a better life for you and your orange cat! It will get better.

Tillow4ever · 13/01/2025 11:53

Imustbestupid · 12/01/2025 07:21

I will never trust another man again. I’ve just told my parents. They were so close to him. It’s just heartbreaking. Why do men treat sex so glibly? He said ‘it means nothing, it’s just a game’. I asked him how he would feel if I’d done what he did and he said he didn’t care. I don’t understand how we got to this awful place

If it meant nothing and was just a game why would he hide it?

He, of course, knew it was wrong - and he did it anyway. Then he actively hid it from you. Didn't give you the opportunity to consent to being in a relationship where he is having sex with other people - risking your sexual health.

He's trying to turn this around on you, what a wanker. You can hold your head up high and he can have all the shame.

Gymnopedie · 13/01/2025 12:14

OP you 'fought' for him after the first incident and he threw it back in your face. I would have to wonder what he's been doing between then and now. I doubt he's been pure as the driven snow. You said yourself that the flirty messages ended because she shut him down.

And I wonder - does he really want to fight for you and the relationship? Or does he want to fight for a roof over his head and no bills to pay? While he carries on playing his games?

It hurts like hell but stay strong. Don't look back at the life you thought you had. Do you want a future with the weight of always doubting him, or a future of freedom? He's out now, he stays out!

cakewench · 13/01/2025 12:22

Just keep being detached. He knows he's messed up a good thing here (no bills, no rent, whatever else you provide for him) and he is only upset that he got caught.

So keep repeating that to yourself.

Do you have someone who can be there with you when he collects his stuff? That would make this a lot easier for you as he's unlikely to be as manipulative with a witness.

Tahlbias · 13/01/2025 12:24

I'm glad you have thrown him out! Don't let him back in and keep strong x

chocorabbit · 13/01/2025 12:30

He was also abusive. Which is again "your fault". He is such a charmer!

It's so nice to see a strong woman Flowers

chocorabbit · 13/01/2025 12:34

Gymnopedie · 13/01/2025 12:14

OP you 'fought' for him after the first incident and he threw it back in your face. I would have to wonder what he's been doing between then and now. I doubt he's been pure as the driven snow. You said yourself that the flirty messages ended because she shut him down.

And I wonder - does he really want to fight for you and the relationship? Or does he want to fight for a roof over his head and no bills to pay? While he carries on playing his games?

It hurts like hell but stay strong. Don't look back at the life you thought you had. Do you want a future with the weight of always doubting him, or a future of freedom? He's out now, he stays out!

I agree with all of this!

Also, who cares if he doesn't want a relationship with that woman? Confused
He didn't go for the relationship but for the thrill of the moment which is bad enough. That's who he is and that's what he does and will keep on doing.

Sesameopen · 13/01/2025 12:50

Imustbestupid · 13/01/2025 10:57

Big orange cat in bed

I’m not a cat person at all but even i think this is so sweet how your cat picked up on the fact up you needed comfort!

OP, can I ask why he didn’t pay bills in your place? Was he still paying bills on his own place or something?

I’d have thought he would have rented out his flat.

Sesameopen · 13/01/2025 12:51

Grammarnut · 13/01/2025 10:40

Not being married is a problem. There are few protections for unmarried couples who split.

Show quote history

In this case Op owns the house so it works in her favour. He doesn’t pay rent and will have no claim to it.

iamnotalemon · 13/01/2025 12:56

Sorry to hear you are going through this x

Original poster
Imustbestupid · 13/01/2025 12:59

Sesameopen · 13/01/2025 12:50

I’m not a cat person at all but even i think this is so sweet how your cat picked up on the fact up you needed comfort!

OP, can I ask why he didn’t pay bills in your place? Was he still paying bills on his own place or something?

I’d have thought he would have rented out his flat.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes he was paying bills for his place which he gutted and is doing up. Plan was to sell them both and buy somewhere bigger together. Thank god that never happened!

OP posts:
Sesameopen · 13/01/2025 13:05

Imustbestupid · 13/01/2025 12:59

Yes he was paying bills for his place which he gutted and is doing up. Plan was to sell them both and buy somewhere bigger together. Thank god that never happened!

Show quote history

As awful and painful as it feels now and will continue to feel for a while yet - this is such a lucky escape for you.

Sadly I’ve seen this many times before where a man - or a woman - wants to stay as part of a couple because they like the financial benefits and lifestyle upgrade it brings but they’re not truly committed.

Men like this won’t be truly committed to anyone - it’s of course no reflection on the women they’re with. It’s just about their poor character and the thrill they get from sleazy hook ups and deceit.

LushLemonTart · 13/01/2025 13:06

@Imustbestupid you dodged a bullet re buying together.

JoanCollinsDiva · 13/01/2025 13:19

Moggy is lovely OP. I had a bout of depression last year and my current two were very loving and sat with me in bed every morning. I'm ok now and they've gone back to ignoring me!

I second having a duvet day with your cat and just taking it easy, make sure you eat and drink a bit. Youve had a shock and everything's been turned upside down and you shouldn't expect you'll get over it straight away, it'll take time. Look after yourself 💐

Original poster
Imustbestupid · 13/01/2025 13:21

In his email to me last night about wanting to ‘save this relationship’ he even said ‘I doubt you will not encounter a similar situation in other any relationship.’ So basically, anyone I date in the future will cheat!!! He’s got a low view of humanity, must be based on himself.

OP posts:
Sesameopen · 13/01/2025 13:24

And by saying that, he’s also effectively telling you he will do this again because it’s just part and part of a relationship in his eyes.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 13/01/2025 13:24

He is revealing himself in every message!

-It was just a game (i.e. you are over-reacting)
-It didn't mean anything and 'nothing' happened (i.e. you are over-reacting)
-everyone does it anyway (i.e. you are over-reacting)

He really isn't taking any blame is he?
How long before this all becomes your fault?

Just a minute:
-he is working to save your relationship (i.e. you aren't working hard enough)
Yes - he has moved onto making this your fault.

OP he is not worthy of you. Don't let him colour your view of men and relationships. This one is a toad.

BlueSky2024 · 13/01/2025 13:24

Imustbestupid · 13/01/2025 13:21

In his email to me last night about wanting to ‘save this relationship’ he even said ‘I doubt you will not encounter a similar situation in other any relationship.’ So basically, anyone I date in the future will cheat!!! He’s got a low view of humanity, must be based on himself.

Oh my god, the manipulation!
I would respond …. I will take my chances,

Scottishskifun · 13/01/2025 13:25

Imustbestupid · 13/01/2025 13:21

In his email to me last night about wanting to ‘save this relationship’ he even said ‘I doubt you will not encounter a similar situation in other any relationship.’ So basically, anyone I date in the future will cheat!!! He’s got a low view of humanity, must be based on himself.

Use this as your mental reminder if starting to have a wobble or if he is trying to wear you down!

Yes some men cheat definitely not all and just shows he's a complete scumbag for basically trying to say its OK what I did because everyone does it...... not everyone does it and doesn't make his actions OK in the slightest!

JoanCollinsDiva · 13/01/2025 13:27

Imustbestupid · 13/01/2025 13:21

In his email to me last night about wanting to ‘save this relationship’ he even said ‘I doubt you will not encounter a similar situation in other any relationship.’ So basically, anyone I date in the future will cheat!!! He’s got a low view of humanity, must be based on himself.

I had an ex say this to me too. He was on hookup sights and I found out and one of his excuses was "it's just something men do, it doesn't mean anything".
Erm no, just because it meant nothing to you doesn't mean it meant nothing to me!

Surely being able to trust one another should be the absolute basic in a relationship? If men want to go out and cheat they should be upfront and end the relationship but of course they don't want to do that - they want the benefits of a permanent wife like figure who improves their life as well as the thrill of illicit sex.

Hopefully not all men are like this but it does damage your trust. I think I've got a good one in my dh but I'd never be so arrogant as assume it could never happen to me.

Pickytraveller1964 · 13/01/2025 13:27

I’m so sorry! It sounds just like my ex-husband (who to this day denies it despite women coming forward). Just to make you laugh, I can tell you I even found a hideous polyester mint green women’s suit in his wardrobe when he was assigned housing on a nearby base as part of a deployment. I said to him “Look, if the person whom that belongs to is what you want, go for gold!” He actually claimed it was HIS suit! I could have made him try to put it on to show me but it was just so incredibly revolting that I just said “Wow!” and walked away.

I could have managed his having an affair but I couldn’t stand the obvious lies and gaslighting. Of course, when we finally divorced he kept up the gaslighting and lies while trying to ruin me. It was very painful but I’m so lucky to be shot of him. (Now I just need to be shot of the boyfriend I have acquired since. I’m almost there. Why are they all so vile?)

Courage, my dear. You have unconditional support from fellow sufferers around the globe. And this absurd little affair will make his life sordid and trashy, however you react. An hour turned into 5? Oh please! He’s not even clever about it!

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