He’s got someone else hasn’t he?

[Imustbestupid]

So, my partner of 10 years today suddenly said he had to drive an hour away to meet someone for business. I can’t explain why but I felt a bit off about it. Just his manner somehow. He has, in the past, messaged another woman but I know it went no further. Just flirty comments on his behalf. I saw them all and she shut him down. Anyway, he swore it was over and that was it. This was over a year ago. I tried to get over it but I have to confess I never forgot and never really did get past it. Today, he was gone for five hours. Claimed he has been shopping as well as the business meeting but no shopping to show for it. His phone bleeped and it was a message from a woman on WhatsApp. He literally has no women friends. He has been unusually attentive since getting home. I am going to check his WhatsApp when he is asleep later. Just need a handhold for what I think I will find. Thank you

Does it matter if he is cheating now? He has done it before, it was the OW who stopped it going any further, not him. Get your finances etc sorted and leave him to find your peace. You will never have it with him.

Op so sorry , ime it wont be the first time he will have form
get his stuff outside and get your ducks in a row , change the locks and check all your financials my ex are 30 years had without me knowing put all my utility bills into his name his move was to try and claim that he had been contributing to the home which I own turned out not only was The a massive cheater also a massive fraudster these arseholes just can’t help themselves are sick Don’t engage any conversation with him get rid start again.,
so sorry but you will feel better
eventually

OP, you were in a highly controlling abusive relationship for years where you were afraid to speak.....with a man that controlled you through anger.

Do not allow him back into your home.
Call 101 for advice.
Do not be alone with him.
Angry men do not accept the word NO.
It triggers their anger.

Arrange a time for him to collect black bags from outside your home.

Please be safe.
Do not allow him inside.
Tell the police you have gotten your abuser out of YOUR house but you are afraid of his anger.
Put a marker on your house.
Have your phone on you at all times.

Probably, but give yourself some self love to help build your reserves. There's lots on the internet about self-care. Wishing you luck and future happiness.x

I'm so glad you are doing this @Imustbestupid . When I see one of these threads I always fear they will end in denial and smoothing over because the poster doesn't have enough self worth to put a stop to it. You are showing how strong you are, and I have nothing but respect and admiration for you. This next bit may be hard but I'm sitting here thinking that you are properly inspirational, that is that you will inspire the next woman who finds themselves in your situation to follow your example.

I wouldn't believe for a second that he's cancelled anything, more likely he's still very much pursuing her while trying to win you back. Hedging his bets.

Get the locks changed and have someone there with you when he collects his things, you're doing so well!

Agree with this.The grovelling can lure you back in to business as usual.

Hope you’re ok OP. I agree with others about putting his stuff outside in bags and arranging a time for him to get it. Or make sure there’s someone there with you (your dp’s?) as he will definitely try to weasel his way back and you may cave if you’re not feeling strong.

Don’t believe a word he says - he’s already shown you he lies quite easily. As if he’s going to have called it off with this OW now he’s been dumped!

Ps. I had an big evil ginger cat who I loved to bits - he would lie in wait on the stairs and attack my legs - is yours similarly deranged?😂

Not doing so well right now. I feel sick and shakey - delayed shock? To those who asked about finances I pay all the bills here and they are all in my name. He did contribute a bit but not much at all, just the odd bit of cash to help out. He bought food too. My big orange cat has actually got into bed with me - first time he’s done that.

Wow. Victim blaming much?

What the absolute fuck?? 😂

You must be a wind up merchant. Or maybe just an idiot.

Are you OPs ex??? 😂

My big orange cat has actually got into bed with me - first time he’s done that.

🥲I’m glad he’s comforting you - they know don’t they x

Oh I'm so sorry. My husband did the same thing. I'd never checked his phone in 14 years of being together and I just suddenly had this feeling one day when he was in the shower and found a load of messages from a girl he worked with that were definitely flirty, but nothing concrete as such, but his reaction when I brought her name up told me everything I needed to know.

His only concern was how I'd gone through his phone too.

I hope things get better for you OP xx

Are you the cheating ex? Stop yapping and get your shit out of her house!!

Not being married is a problem. There are few protections for unmarried couples who split.

I really would go and get checked, it’s not worth the risk to your health. My ex husband cheated on me and I was so worried and embarrassed at going to be checked. Believe me, it was nothing like I expected, the nurse was lovely, she let me cry, was kind and reassuring. She told me, I had nothing to be embarrassed about, it was him that should be embarrassed. The whole process was handled so well and I left feeling so much better. Luckily I was fine but I’m sure if I hadn’t been, they would have looked after me discreetly and kindly.

Not really necessary when no children involved and both own their own homes though. I’d 100% have stayed unmarried if in the OP’s position.

That’s what they all say when they’ve been caught out, that’s a complete load of 🐂💩 too………yes I’ll go to the effort of driving to meet her, arranging the next shag date but now you’ve found out we’re not meeting again lol yeah right…….don’t get sucked in is my advice x

@Imustbestupid My skanky ex actually said this word for word! He even said to our devastated son that ‘we’d both done regrettable things’ implying that we’d both cheated! As he was only young I didn’t want to involve him in a ‘he said, she said’ scenario.

This is classic abuser tactics. He can’t deny what he did because you found the evidence so the only thing he can do is to imply any faults you had during the relationship justified what he’s done. Oh they really are all born with the script preprogrammed in their heads. Familiarise yourself with it and watch for all the classic steps. Forewarned is forearmed.

i agree with the steps PP are suggesting about putting his stuff outside and not letting him in. You are emotionally vulnerable at the moment and he knows it. He will absolutely try to take advantage of that. He’s bullied you in the past and it’s worked. Once he’s inside, he’s already set the stage for act 1, the charm offensive. When that doesn’t work, he will then follow the usual script. Don’t be manipulated like this. You’ve done the bravest thing by kicking him out, you just need to keep your resolve. It will take all your emotional reserves to see it through. Lean on family and friends as well as the strong women here to get you through it. You will look back on your relationship with different eyes and see how he killed you inside. That YOU will return and blossom again. Do it for her.

So sorry to hear you are going through this OP. Take care of yourself over the next few days as you will go through a whole range of emotions.
Glad you got rid of him.

I missed the message that’s since been deleted and glad I did. Feeling very fragile today and everyone on here has been so great. I’m glad if someone wasn’t they’ve been deleted as I find this place a huge support right now and I really don’t want negativity. Thank you

Big orange cat in bed