He’s got someone else hasn’t he?

[Imustbestupid]

So, my partner of 10 years today suddenly said he had to drive an hour away to meet someone for business. I can’t explain why but I felt a bit off about it. Just his manner somehow. He has, in the past, messaged another woman but I know it went no further. Just flirty comments on his behalf. I saw them all and she shut him down. Anyway, he swore it was over and that was it. This was over a year ago. I tried to get over it but I have to confess I never forgot and never really did get past it. Today, he was gone for five hours. Claimed he has been shopping as well as the business meeting but no shopping to show for it. His phone bleeped and it was a message from a woman on WhatsApp. He literally has no women friends. He has been unusually attentive since getting home. I am going to check his WhatsApp when he is asleep later. Just need a handhold for what I think I will find. Thank you

This is actually making me laugh. Less than 24 hours and he’s already trying to come back. I might also be sleep deprived though

You can have the pleasure of telling him to F**k the hell of

He's an absolute wanker. His mother should have swallowed him.

I was going to say that I'm sorry he's done this to you but I'm not.
I'm happy that he's finally done something so awful that made you realise he has to leave.
You've put up with years of controlling behaviour, being treated appallingly and putting yourself second to this scumbag and had he not been out hunting for women as well, you may have stayed for many more years.

You have your life back now OP!! Enjoy you freedom!

Have you got a trusted friend who 'happens' to be visiting around the time he collects his stuff? Or can you black-bag it and leave it outside?

As he's already begging to be allowed to stay, perhaps you should get a locksmith in tomorrow morning, to change just one lock on the front door (they can change just the barrel, much cheaper, same effect) so it doesn't matter if he 'forgets' to bring your keys back.

He is so arrogant that he thinks he can bully you into letting him back into his cushy life by reminding you that you were at fault and must shoulder some of the blame too. Like it’s your fault he wrote sleazy sex messages and was looking forward to his Thursday hook up.

Its incredible that men do this isn’t it. Hard to get your head around that he did it in the first place and even harder to understand his take it being your fault that he did.
Like a lot of men do, he has fooled himself into thinking that as long as you don’t know about it then it’s not happening. Not your business to know. So therfore it’s your fault for finding out because if you hadn’t looked for it then he wasn’t cheating or even lying. So if you apologise for looking for it and finding out about it, then he can get on and forgive you and all can go back to his kind of normal….. as long as you tow the line in future.
Mind blowing refusal to take accountability for himself because that’s your job as the woman..to be accountable for his lying cheating scumbag sleazy weasely ways.

You are strong, clear thinking, assertive and certainly no victim.
A fine example to us all.
You have come through the first awful 24 hours. And you will get through the coming week too. It’s good you have support.

He thinks you will get over it and let him back once your hissy fit is over. But we all know he doesn’t stand a chance. And that he’s so slow on the uptake, that for him, it has to be a slow dawning realisation and deflation of ego before he finally realises what he’s lost. Poor thing.
You are right OP. It is almost laughable.

Wow, what a turnaround! He is already attempting to hoover and assumes you will fall for his guff. Diddums clearly doesn’t want to lose his cushy set-up and is bricking it.

@Imustbestupid, he is deluded if he believes you’d reconcile after years of his coercive behavior and after he planned the hotel sex romp with Swinger Woman on Thursday. If he has cancelled that rendezvous, it’s because it would no longer be the sleazy secret kick he’d hoped for before you rumbled him.

Stay icy cool and don’t entertain his subtle and blatant manipulations.

It's not "just" you tho OP. It's you, the strong, amazing bloody brilliant you, the you who has thought of yourself finally. The you who has without a doubt given so many people the balls to do the same even tho you will never know the stories. You are never "just" you. You are fantastic and anyone else you meet in the future is the lucky one. So proud of you.
Do not let this manky so called man make you doubt one little thing about yourself. Ever.

Like a lot of men do, he has fooled himself into thinking that as long as you don’t know about it then it’s not happening. Not your business to know. So therfore it’s your fault for finding out because if you hadn’t looked for it then he wasn’t cheating or even lying. So if you apologise for looking for it and finding out about it, then he can get on and forgive you and all can go back to his kind of normal….. as long as you tow the line in future.
Mind blowing refusal to take accountability for himself because that’s your job as the woman..to be accountable for his lying cheating scumbag sleazy weasely ways.

Absolutely this!

I hope it goes well today. Don’t let him back in- there’s nothing that could excuse him but manipulators gonna manipulate. And I agree about the locksmith, too.

@Imustbestupid
PLEASE change your username, I have only just read your thread and I can see from the off that you are far from stupid.

You trusted and acted immediately on your gut instinct.
You are a strong and smart person.
Celebrate that you are starting a new year without that waste of space in your life.
Talking of wastes of spaces, tell him he has X number of* *days get ALL of his crap out of your property.
Reclaim your house and start your new year without his crap cluttering up your home!

Well done OP 👏 🌟

Please don’t let him back into your home to collect his clothes. You’ve already said he has totally undermined your confidence, gets very angry if you disagree with him and is trying to blame you for his betrayal one minute then saying he’s going to ‘fight for you’ the next. If you let him in, he will almost certainly start with a huge charm offensive, then, if that doesn’t work, he will try to make you feel responsible somehow. The usual pattern with men like this is they know exactly how to hurt and undermine the woman they’ve cheated on by insinuating they didn’t provide enough exciting s@x or something equally derogatory about how they are no longer attractive because they’ve ’let themselves go’ … to the point women start to believe it really was their fault. If you manage to stay strong enough to refute that, given what you’ve said about his temper, he will probably descend into rage. You really don’t need any more of his utter sh* behaviour in your home.

Shove his stuff into bin bags and put it out in the front garden and tell him to collect it from there. Get all the locks changed asap. Until that’s been done, double lock and bolt the front door and keep yourself inside, preferably with a friend or family member. If he has any history of physical violence towards you or anyone else, I’d suggest ringing 101 (police non-emergency) to explain you are worried you might be in danger when he comes to collect his things and they will probably offer to log your address and phone number so if he does kick off and you ring 999 they will already have details.

It’s not you who ‘must be stupid’ it’s him! You have shown enormous strength and courage in facing up to his betrayals rather than continuing to bury your head in the sand while he chips away at your self-esteem. Not only has he hurt and betrayed you, he’s deceived your parents by pretending to be a kind, loving support while undermining and cheating on their daughter - then capped it off by trying to blame you! Please don’t give him the opportunity to hurt you any more than he already has. Bin bags and bolts to him!

I tried to change my name but it won’t let me, says I need to use the name I started this thread with. I’m not sleeping and I feel sick all the time. I’d forgotten how awful this is. My new name, if I can manage to do it, will be imusttrustmygut!

I agree 100% about the OP considering changing her username long term as she’s obviously far from stupid; however, if @Imustbestupid changes her name while still posting on this thread then we can’t see her replies in a different colour or search for her updates. Then again, given what she’s going through, it’s far more important she recognises her own worth so maybe, if she does decide to change it, then it would be lovely if she could do one last post in that name, telling us the new one so we can continue to follow her posts.

This is such a lovely message, thank you.

Whoops sorry I had forgotten about that!
Excellent new name choice, or GoodRiddanceToBadRubbish - applies to both him and his stuff!

Stay strong OP, you are an amazing person.
You and your big orange cat sound awesome 😻

Only keep the furniture if you like it. Otherwise you will be paying to get rid of it.
Hope you managed to get some sleep x

Some charities will collect furniture.

There is a phrase that I found very useful when I was in your situation
" When they try to return always remember how they left".
I was in a boiling frog situation for years, just like you. It messes with your head. I found it very useful to start a list of good points and bad points. There will have been so many things that have just become normal in your life, that people on the outside would be horrified at, but you think are just life. Once you start the lists other things will pop into your head as you're sitting at traffic lights/ pushing a trolley. After a few days you'll have good bits like 'he never forget to put the bins out ( oh yay what a Prince) and an ever growing list of bad things . When he starts ramping up the persuasion you can refer to this list

@Imustbestupid maybe have someone with you when he collects? He'll go on the charm offensive. He's realised he's shit in his own nest.

He's probably lying about not pursuing the woman. And you'll never have peace if he comes back.

OMG do NOT let this controlling, abusive user back into your life! regarding the hoarding - hoarders very very rarely change and his hoard would continue to build up and up in your home. He is not the one for you with the anger and controlling, the hoarding, let alone the fabswingers stuff!

Wishing you so much strength OP. I can't imagine how difficult it will be to come face to face with him so soon after the cheating came to light; you are sleep deprived and may still be in shock.

If you can leave the clothes outside or in a porch area etc rather than him getting into your house I think that will help you mentally. You don't owe him a chance to try and explain (manipulate) or to apologise (manipulate) in person. The sooner you can get space from him to slowly process the situation with a clear head, then the better.

Bit late for that.

I’d give him a deadline (in writing) to collect it and put in storage.

If he doesn’t meet it, I’d sell anything decent (e.g. on Facebook Marketplace). Contact charitable collections to take the rest or advertise for free on Gumtree. Will keep you occupied and likely be cathartic.

Selling or donating can help get through sadness, as something with sad memories for you can help out, and bring joy to, others. Turns a negative to a positive.

Any excess money you make on it, treat yourself to a beautiful piece of jewellery to remind yourself that you’re the most important person in your life.

Remove all trace of him from your home and spend the time until Easter having a good Spring clean and making your home exactly how you like. Then you’ll be set up for a fabulous summer.

Look after yourself. Relax when you want. But move forward to the future with renewed purpose. You’ve got this ❤️

@Imustbestupid might I caution against engaging with him via email or otherwise. It can be tempting to almost enjoy the grovelling, despite everything we tend to want these people to still want us and often they’ll try to then show the behaviour they should have shown all along. It can be very preoccupying. But the best thing to do is to keep it totally brief and factual and even then, only if necessary. It’s best to have no contact at all. It hurts more initially but ultimately serves you much, much better.

Hilarious that he thinks he can choose that.

Not funny at all really, but once the scales fall and we see them for what they are, it’s impossible to go back. Gentle hugs for you @Imustbestupid (and your new username will suit you much better).

God, what a grim man