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Original poster

Clare's law request

821 replies

olivietolivie · 11/01/2025 18:19

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

OP posts:
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5
dysonwithdeath · 08/03/2025 10:27

Why do you need the police to state categorically that the allegations either have substance or are totally groundless?

If the police say there was not enough evidence to proceed would you see that as a green light to continue the relationship?

humpty74 · 08/03/2025 10:37

olivietolivie · 08/03/2025 10:14

I hear you, I do - clueless as to why the police didn't say that to me at the appointment really!

Show quote history

Speak to the police again. Ask for clarification.

MerryMeet · 08/03/2025 10:43

canyouseemyhousefromhere · 14/01/2025 20:35

Nah, sorry, you wouldn't see me for dust!

As my Dad always used to say... "if in doubt-don't "

They called you in for a reason, someone had a gut feeling.

This is definitely true - I have done one CL request and got a 5-minute phone call, not an invitation to a meeting.

MerryMeet · 08/03/2025 10:48

Treeinthesky · 31/01/2025 21:54

Can I ask what are the signs of potential abusive partner in early stages or 2 years in.

He tells you his ex made false allegations of DA against him.

mia62 · 08/03/2025 10:57

OP- because if there was actual evidence of if being false there wouldn't have been a disclosure in the first place!

People here have told you many times how strict the laws surrounding these disclosures are, and what the police can and can't tell you.

mia62 · 08/03/2025 11:06

And OP what you really need to understand is that, because the laws around these disclosures are so strict- if the police are making disclosures where there is nothing at all to support the allegations or even suspected false- they are leaving themselves open to legal action. There are cases where this has happened, you can Google.

There was a case where a man was accused of spiking a drink in a bar, nothing to support and the investigation was closed. This was later disclosed under Clare's Law and it was found the police force had acted improperly- they really have to justify that the disclosures are being made to protect a potential victim.

Allegations with no basis are simply not disclosed- if they are then a very serious error has been made and this needs to be reported. I strongly suspect this is not the case with your disclosure as it appears there were multiple incidents.

dysonwithdeath · 08/03/2025 11:54

@olivietolivie don't just ask if he's worth the trouble. Ask yourself why he's worth the trouble. And will he be worth it when his mask slips?

mumda · 08/03/2025 11:55

olivietolivie · 25/02/2025 19:04

I have done all of these things, several times over and watched with close interest to see how he reacts and he's genuinely always been fine.

Says he understand that it's important I see friends, encourages me to do it, understands if I have to cancel. Doesn't bat an eye lid when I talk about other men. Doesn't mind when I say I won't make plans for a couple of months time because it's too early.

He clearly wants things to move quicker than it is, as he talks about it often but not in a putting pressure way.

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Why would he have to say it's Ok for you to do normal things?

Will it become not ok at some point?

He's pushing and pushing at you. Slowly. Because he's learnt.

mia62 · 08/03/2025 12:07

He will start blaming you for his MH issues or moods soon...bet money on it

AlertCat · 08/03/2025 12:09

@olivietolivie I’m not sure whether to ask you why you like this guy, or what you’re afraid of (happening? Losing) if you end things with him. But maybe both are questions worth considering.

Original poster
olivietolivie · 08/03/2025 12:13

@AlertCat we genuinely (I think anyway!) have a really strong connection and I really like him.

However, if I'm being truly honest - I think I am worried about how I could go about ending it and it be done safely.

Which I think says I've made up my mind about what to do - I just need to do it.

I'm just worried about either what he might do when I break the news or for a period of time afterwards.

OP posts:
bibliomania · 08/03/2025 12:17

That feels like a bit of a breakthrough, OP. You don't need to make a big thing about why you're breaking up. Just be boring and not available and "It's not you, it's me. I can't give you what you deserve".

whathaveiforgotten · 08/03/2025 12:20

It's really good to hear that you know you need to end it OP.

My advice would be to make the reason you give him as boring as humanly possible.

Maybe you're exhausted all the time and just can't commit to a relationship at the moment.

Maybe you've realised you want to focus on work / family etc and can't commit to a relationship at the moment.

Etc etc.

Don't discuss or bargain or make it about him - it's not a joint decision and you aren't in a strong enough headspace to discuss without him persuading you to stay together.

humpty74 · 08/03/2025 12:54

olivietolivie · 08/03/2025 12:13

@AlertCat we genuinely (I think anyway!) have a really strong connection and I really like him.

However, if I'm being truly honest - I think I am worried about how I could go about ending it and it be done safely.

Which I think says I've made up my mind about what to do - I just need to do it.

I'm just worried about either what he might do when I break the news or for a period of time afterwards.

I think just tell him you've had some personal news that you need to be alone to process, not something you feel you can discuss with anyone. Sorry.

dysonwithdeath · 08/03/2025 13:11

Your niggling doubts are real and there for a reason. Keep them at the front of your mind

Act on them.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 08/03/2025 13:16

I'm just worried about either what he might do when I break the news or for a period of time afterwards.

Okay, that can be read in two ways:

  1. that you're afraid he'll harm himself or have a serious mental health crisis if you end it

OR

  1. that you're afraid he'll become aggressive, violent and assaultive if you end it, culminating in stalking you.

Which is it? What do you fear about ending it?

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 08/03/2025 13:19

Actually, the fact that you're already anxious about what will happen when you end it shows that there are serious problems here.

Nobody likes ending a relationship. That's a given.

But actively to fear the consequences for yourself or for the person you're finishing with isn't normal or okay.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 08/03/2025 13:20

I do feel that you need to bite the bullet and just end it @olivietolivie

Prevaricating about how you're going to do it is just delaying the inevitable.

MerryMeet · 08/03/2025 14:38

olivietolivie · 08/03/2025 12:13

@AlertCat we genuinely (I think anyway!) have a really strong connection and I really like him.

However, if I'm being truly honest - I think I am worried about how I could go about ending it and it be done safely.

Which I think says I've made up my mind about what to do - I just need to do it.

I'm just worried about either what he might do when I break the news or for a period of time afterwards.

He can’t say he has two women who have made false allegations against him when the next woman makes a CL request, no one will believe him - so he’s likely to leave you alone.

Twaddlepip · 08/03/2025 15:04

That you’re scared about how to end this ‘safely’ should tell you everything you need to know. We have been able to see this for what it is from the beginning, but you were perhaps too hopeful, too close to it.

I wish you the best to rid yourself of this person.

AlertCat · 08/03/2025 15:41

olivietolivie · 08/03/2025 12:13

@AlertCat we genuinely (I think anyway!) have a really strong connection and I really like him.

However, if I'm being truly honest - I think I am worried about how I could go about ending it and it be done safely.

Which I think says I've made up my mind about what to do - I just need to do it.

I'm just worried about either what he might do when I break the news or for a period of time afterwards.

They are always charming, such nice guys.

Well done for taking the decision. Agree with pp that it’s probably best to make it about you rather than him. Your dc is going through a needy phase. Your relationship history means you need more time on your own. You’ve realised you don’t want to/can’t commit to a relationship at the moment. Etc etc.

Good luck x

teenmaw · 08/03/2025 19:43

They way you feel about ending it tells you everything you need to know about whether you should op, time to go x

Quitelikeit · 09/03/2025 14:24

Some on here won't rest until you have dumped him lol so best just get it done

That is pretty scary where a pp said those things would not be on file if they were truly fake

whathaveiforgotten · 28/03/2025 13:29

@olivietolivie

How are things going?

orangesonatree · 28/03/2025 13:54

I haven’t seen this thread until today but it sounds like my history with my ex. Even the finer details, like accessing my computer and deleting files and his allegation that tge abuse was actually coming from me. I am pretty confident that neither myself nor other women just contact the police like that without a genuine reason.