Clare's law request

[olivietolivie]

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

She doesn’t want to know. Despite seeking the CL disclosure in the first place, despite all the red flags, despite him testing her boundaries and refusing to let her leave after they had the sex she wasn’t ready for, despite the disclosure from the police (there was a disclosure, that’s what CL is for, most people don’t have anything, this guy does), she’s still seeing this man and is trying to convince herself she’s in control and at the first sign of anything she’ll leave.

Spoiler, he’s already given her sign after sign and she’s still there.

She’s not going to leave. And I actually find watching someone walk into abuse so knowingly to be very distressing.

I think the OP has been love bombed and is intensely vulnerable to this man, who knows what he is doing, has witnessed how compliant she is, and will slowly turn up the abuse over time.

@Twaddlepip 100%

He's already testing her boundaries.

OP sees herself as being "in control" and just playing it cool... this man will see it as "compliance".

Terrifying.

Op where there's smoke there's fire. If someone did a CL
on my ex they'd find a charge of "causing fear and alarm" which is the time he threatened to slit my throat. What they wouldn't see is all the years of abuse I didn't report. Nice men rarely end up in this particular list, have a word with yourself and find someone who doesn't come with this confusion and uncertainty. No man is worth it, work on your self esteem before you date and raise the standard of who you bring into your child's life. As a rule, confusion is a no when it comes to deciding if you should keep these men.

@olivietolivie This is a really good point! People don't usually go from happy and treated well to calling the police because they fell out about something. They work on their relationship and continue or break up. My ex and I weren't well suited and squabbled a lot, I couldn't imagine ever needing to consider calling the police about him. How bad must things have been for his ex to get to the point where she felt she needed to contact the police? Think about that.

You haven't told him you're being "cautious" what if he asks to come to your place, to meet your child? I expect he'll "just happen to get given" some free tickets to Alton towers or Disneyland or something at some point and suggest you all go in the school holidays, you wouldn't want your kid to miss it and he'll be so excited to be able to offer. You'll just go along with it because he seems nice I guess.
I get that you haven't dated in a while and he seems lovely but you've already seen warning signs. There being a cl disclosure at all is a massive one. If you don't feel the police were helpful please please go back to them, you need to speak to someone who has read the file and does know what happened and can tell you if you're being reckless.

Also @olivietolivie when I spoke to the people running the anger course, she couldn't give me tons of details and said my ex was medium risk. I replied I guess everyone is like that but she said no, not you or I etc. I honestly feel she was trying to tell me but wasn't allowed to.

She’s a fool if she thinks she’s in control. Any self respecting woman would have used her control to walk away when he first mentioned his past.

She’s already completely ignored the first signs and has probably ignored many more since. She was hell bent on ending it but now she talks of him meeting her child. It’s insanity.
Mothers are supposed to protect their kids but she’s held the door wide open for a potentially dangerous man to walk right into their lives.

The Claire’s Law disclosure sounds like it wasn’t handled properly or maybe they aren’t allowed to be seen as influencing your decision too much. Judging by your posts it’s likely you only listened to the bits you wanted to hear but on your head be it.

It's not just on her head though, it's her child's too. What makes any man worth that risk?

OP, you've been given the warning that many women don't get. Take it.

No abusive relationship ever starts with overtly controlling or violent behaviour, otherwise nobody would stay.

It goes without saying that this will fall onto her child too but they don’t seem to be at the forefront of her mind.

It really should do, my comment was more expressing my disbelief at the OP, rather than implying you'd missed that point.

I've seen so many women in this situation, and it's heartbreaking especially for the children involved. They didn't have the knowledge that OP has, it's honestly sickening and I hope she sees that before it's too late.

@olivietolivie

The person I spoke to really couldn't tell me anything about whether they actually thought he posed a risk and didn't know whether they were false allegations. It was completely unhelpful.

How about contacting the police again and asking if you can speak with the person who read his file? That might help you decide.

But I agree, there are stories here of women who have simply been told ‘no, nothing there, not worth bothering to call you into the Station’, but that’s not what they did with you. Just that alone would give me a massive reason to pause.

I think I was expecting that they would have been able to tell me something other than exactly what he had already told me, to be honest. So when she read out the list and I commented that he had told me most things on it already but said they were false allegations and he had proven they were false which led to NFA - I suppose I was hoping at that point she could say a) we don't think they were false allegations, there just wasn't enough evidence (or something) or b) yes, that's what our records confirm - he disproved them.

I was left in a position where I effectively got no further information at all from it. I don't know if I can go back and ask for another - is that even something they do? I'd assume if they could do that then they would have offered it when we both remarked how entirely unhelpful the disclosure had been.

Just as a small update on matters: for a completely unrelated reason I am starting to think this might not be something I'll continue with anyway. He's still been lovely but yesterday he had a clearly very bad mental health day and we had a torturous video call where he barely spoke and looked so down. It was hard work and (selfishly, possibly) I don't think that's something for this early on in a relationship. But maybe I'm being unkind. Perhaps it was a one day blip and I'll see what today brings.

OP I haven’t previously commented on your thread but I have followed with interest as it’s a difficult situation for you and I’ve been quietly rooting for all to be ok for you.

Your latest update - this is the time to be hyper vigilant. My ex was a lovely person for the first 4 months and we had a great time. Then he had some ‘bad’ days and slowly his true self showed himself. He started out morose and monosyllabic and then became spiteful and mean towards me. When he felt better it was like it never happened. I forgave him every time. But he got worse over time and became emotionally abusive before he finally left me for someone else. He left me broken. I don’t want this for you.

How many blips do you need to see before you start to join the dots? This is yet another red flag.

You need therapy ,you really do. It isnt unkind at all. He is a man youve dated a handful of months. Walk away.

OP- how many times do I have to say it- a PROVEN false allegation would result in a "crime cancellation". If there is actual evidence to support a false allegation, police can't keep that recorded on systems with your boyfriend as the suspect, that would be very wrong and go against crime recording standards.

Incidents are NFA'd all the time for various reasons, victim not supportive (usually because of the possibility of having to attend court, many people find that a frightening prospect), insufficient evidence (doesn't mean it didn't happen, but difficult to evidence many things especially in DV, mostly happens behind closed doors, no witnesses, CCTV, not always injuries etc).

Controlling behaviour is even harder to prove, very few cases make it to court.

The fact there were allegations made to the police is 100% proof in itself. The kind of justifications you are offering yourself about his controlling behaviour, eg ‘perhaps it was a blip, a bad mental health day’ are the reason why making an allegation to the police is so serious: imagine the weeks, months, years of flip flopping, self doubt and rationalisation of poor behaviours that went on before the penny finally dropped and the allegation was made. Allegations don’t come out of nowhere. Believe the woman.

And for gods sake don’t let him anywhere near your child ever

If you stay, can I recommend a book? It's called "in control" by Prof Jane Monckton Smith. She used to be a police officer abd is now a criminologist. The subtitle is "dangerous relationships and how they end in murder". She's not saying every controlling relationship ends in murder, but any relationship ending in murder goes down a controlling timeline. Being aware of the timeline can help you remain alert re what to look out for. I think everyone should read it actually.

https://amzn.eu/d/4duMqyS

You keep saying you don't have enough certain information to have ended it.

You know for sure that he's previously been accused of abuse.

You know for sure that he physically prevented you leaving when you wanted to after you had sex, using his physical strength to keep you there against your will to the point you were 'scared but tried not to show it.'

You also know for sure that your primary responsibility is to prioritise your son when making decisions.

I'm therefore very shocked you're still seeing him and hope you see sense soon.

Excusing abusive behaviour as bad mental health is a common and recognised indicator of domestic abuse. Listen to your spider senses and get out.

Please end it or you’ll be here in weeks or months time saying you can’t leave because he’s too mentally unwell.

NONE of this has been right for the beginning of a relationship. Not since the day you found out and posted back in January.

It’s now March. Three months on and you’re still umming and arring but deep down you know what to do.

This was my first thought, he's planting the seeds.

I hear you, I do - clueless as to why the police didn't say that to me at the appointment really!

I hear you, I do - clueless as to why the police didn't say that to me at the appointment really!

So now that you do know it wasn't a malicious allegation, and you know he has already used his physical strength to keep you somewhere against your will after sex to the point he scared you, how can we help you to make the safest decision for you and your child?