Clare's law request

[olivietolivie]

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

How are things going @olivietolivie?

Did you finally end things in the end?

I know this is an old thread but interested in what happened @olivietolivie
I have also recently made a CL application and have been called in to a far to face meeting at a police station.
I did ask, when they emailed me, should I be concerned and they said they just need more info (from me?)
Feel stupid as I have only just started on line dating and this person was the very first on line I have ever ‘liked’ / talked to and my red flag radar is obviously not working as it should!

You made the application, that means you’re doing the right thing. Abusers aren’t easy to spot when they’re on good behaviour in the early stages of a relationship. Don’t doubt yourself.

My F2F was today - she went through a stock list of questions and then was going to go to her sergeant who works make the call as to whether she can go ahead with the research / investigation

Sounds like it was just a standard interview then and she’s going to investigate and will hopefully then let you know there’s no worries.

See what they say but ne prepared to go. There are of course false accusations so see what the police say. Id they didn't take it anyway then he may be telling the truth
www.mumsnet.com/talk/legal_matters/5400985-i-lied-to-police&utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

What happened?

All, I apologise for the radio silence and thank you for asking after me.

@MumofSpud I wish you all the best with your CL application.

the reason I haven’t posted (and I am sure there will be many rolling eyes now) is that I didn’t end things. I couldn’t decide whether to continue this thread, which is chocked full of incredible advice to help women spot red flags and get out of bad situations, when I haven’t done that. I don’t want to retract from the excellent advice given and the experiences shared.

also some of you are scary and are probably going to tell me off.

I can’t quite remember why now. But I’m pleased that I didn’t. Things are going well. The only negative is there is still boundary pushing in the bedroom and I will talk to him properly about that but otherwise I’m really happy with him. Things feel stable and nice.

The “only negative” is that he’s sexually coercive?

You have a child, you need to make decisions in their best interest.

You aren’t doing that by a long shot by staying with him, it’s such a shame.

I would say that even if he’d behaved well for the last six months but he hasn’t.

He prevented you leaving the bedroom after you first slept together after the CL disclosure, using his size and strength to block you from doing so.

Six months on he is still sexually coercive.

What are you thinking? Being single is so much better than being with a man who is a risk to you and by extension your child.

The only negative is there is still boundary pushing in the bedroom and I will talk to him properly about that

this is a big negative and it indicates an underlying attitude towards you that I think is very worrying.

I also wonder why you “will talk to him properly” and haven’t yet done so. Are you fearful of going against him, either because you fear his response or because he will gaslight or manipulate you and make you doubt yourself?

That you accept this and don’t see it as a deal breaker makes me see you as very vulnerable to being manipulated and drawn into an abusive relationship.

Never marry anyone you would be afraid of divorcing.

Never have a relationship with someone you would be afraid of dumping.

How do you think he would react if you finished things OP?

Well of course you didn't end it.
He's a prince among men.

Well, apart from the sexual coercion.

Hi OP, just one thing to add here. That is to encourage you to trust your instincts and your gut. Don't dismiss anything that feels uncomfortable, that is your intuition telling you something. Pay attention to those feelings and let them guide you as they will tell you what does and doesn't feel right. That's how you will be able to tell if this relationship is or isn't right for you. If you're dismissing any thoughts or feelings where you feel uncomfortable or worried or scared, you're not listening to how this relationship makes you feel. Your feelings are everything here as feeling comfortable and safe are essential in a healthy relationship.

I wonder why you haven't talked about boundary pushing in the bedroom yet? It's been 8 months. Are you still worried about how you could go about that/ending it and it be done safely?

Does he still want things to move quicker than it is, as he talks about it often?

Remember your own words - they can bide their time for months being nice and then be horrid.

This feels like a boiling frog situation.

The only negative is there is still boundary pushing in the bedroom and I will talk to him properly about that

OP that’s not ‘leaving the lid off the toothpaste’ or ‘leaving the loo seat up’ issue is it ?

Why do you think it’s taking you so long to “talk to him properly about that.…” ?

Admit it you’re scared, and that is a definite 🚩

I mean this very sincerely:

Was continued sexual coercion on your Definitely or Maybe list?

Does this tell you anything about your boundaries gradually starting to slide away from you?

has he met your child yet? Or moved in?

Utter fool.

This is a great way to put it.

Op, I hope you're okay. Unfortunately the reality it is that you are in an abusive relationship. "Boundary pushing" in the bedroom isn't a minor quirk or flaw in a relationship, it's sexual coercion verging on sexual assault.

It's rape really.
Anything sexual without consent is rape.

Fucking hell OP. I know my reaction is exactly why you’ve been reluctant to update, but this is horrifying. You were worried enough to do a Clare’s law, he’s trapped you into having sex, you previously said you didn’t feel safe to break up with him, now you’re going to talk to him (when??) about pushing your boundaries during sex. Again, instead of breaking up with him or having said no and been able to have that respected during these episodes of sexual coercion. You must get out of this OP, you must. The people on this thread will help you and advise you in any way they can, but you must find a pathway out of this abusive relationship, for your child’s sake if nothing else.

I am desperately hoping this animal isn’t around your kid already. You have moved this along with eyes wide open and initially had ample opportunity to escape, now you’re deep into an abusive relationship that literally had a neon flashing light on it as you were approaching it. It will be more difficult to get rid of him now but it’s imperative that you take steps to do so.

OP really needs therapy as to why she’s so prepared to push all her gut instincts away and completely kowtow to a sexually abusive and frightening man who was subjected to a fruitful Clare’s Law.

Because she’s being completely and utterly moronic as it stands.

But it doesn’t feel like I’m in an abusive relationship at all. It feels like a very satisfying relationship for the most part.

Oh gosh OP. I honestly don't know how to respond to your updates without making it feel like even more of a pile-on.

To briefly outline, this man told you about "false" DV claims his ex made and there were minor extra disclosures on the Clare's law request. He didn't let you leave bed for 20 minutes until you got "really firm", and it left you in tears afterwards. Eight months on, he's still "pushing sexual boundaries" and you haven't discussed that with him.

Can I ask why?

In your last post you say it's primarily a nice and satisfying relationship, bar that one teeny issue of sexual coercion. How do you think abusive relationships start - do you think the man is vile from the outset?

At the risk of teaching you how to suck eggs, abusive relationships are often lovely and satisfying, apart from the teeny tiny niggles of concern. Until one day, it's not a teeny niggle and it's outright abuse....but you didn't notice it starting to creep up on you.

What would you say to your daughter if she was in a relationship like this?

I know it's hard when it seems lovely most of the time, and you tell yourself that you're overreacting, but you really, really aren't.

I hope you manage to get out of this relationship one day safely, before you suffer abuse or get hurt.

Also, please do try and find a way to keep updating this thread if you feel you can. People are only commenting because they're worried about you.

Omg this is so awful he's really got you. He sexsually adults you and imprisons you all be it for 20 minutes next time it could be days. Victims rarely see until it's too late.