Clare's law request

[olivietolivie]

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

Hi OP. Please keep coming back. You need a safe space. Even if it means changing usernames and updating again in future.

I guess my concern here is that you ended up having sex you weren’t ready for, he blocked you leaving and physically “playfully” held you down and wouldn’t let you leave, and in your gut you know it makes you really uncomfortable. You also, right from the beginning, felt uneasy enough to request a Clares Law.

By staying, you risk getting more feelings and more enmeshed. Makes it harder to go. The longer you stay, the bigger the red flags have to be.

Would you want your daughter to date this man? Would you want your daughter to grow up with this as an example (stay until the red flags are screaming, even though you are obviously already uncomfortable)?

Im not trying to persuade you, OP. But please, every now and then, imagine if your child/hypothetical child told you these things about a partner and what advice you would give them. If the advice would ever be “leave now” then do it. 💐

To note: if you want kids in the future, would you want them with him? Think about it.

I'm sorry you find comments hard to read, OP. But please keep reading. Let this be a safe place for you, you are brave to be prepared to consider the opinions of strangers, and for disclosing your concerns.
May I ask you a question? No need to reply, but just to consider, when you feel able?
You said that if things go downhill with this man, you will end it.
Looking to the future you imagine with him, what will be downhill for you?
Stopping you leaving the house because you need to do as you're told? Or walking around with a face like thunder, making you (or your daughter) try to appease him to avoid the atmosphere? Or maybe noticing that he is staring at you with an unsettling anger?
I ask because downhill requires a starting point like the examples I've suggested, followed by the descent, to a much lower place.
And depending on the speed with which going downhill happens, it may not be so easy to just stop, recognise it, scramble up and run away.
And sometimes, it will be too late to get out alive.

It’s already gone downhill. You asked the police to do a Claire’s Law check and they disclosed awful stuff that he had done. But because he had got to you before hand, you are choosing to stay with him and believe him.

I’m really sorry you feel got at but you asked for opinions and we are giving them to you. It’s only an issue because you don’t like what we are saying. He’s not misunderstood or whatever shit he’s coming out with. He’s an abusive man who the police have records on.

And the fact you asked on here is a massive red flag in itself.

I just really hope you see sense and put your daughter first. You are her mother and you are meant to keep her safe physically and emotionally. Entering in to a relationship with a man who is abusive is not doing that. I saw on here once something about women (might not be the correct wording but you’ll get the idea ) “putting cock before their children” and that’s exactly what you are doing.

The police have told you to stay clear. Ignore us but please listen to them.

Putting "cock before kids" is the term I've seen used. Horrible term.

The trouble with domestic abuse OP is that by the time you get to the point where you finally think it's time to end things, you can't because you're in too deep.

I expect this relationship will get to the stage where 90% of the time he's great and 10% not so great, the 80/20, then 70/30, all the while you're getting used to the increased time when things aren't so great.

Then one day you'll find yourself holding on for the 20% of times when he's great, then the 10%.

Like others have pointed out, you're already rationalising his behaviour, already excusing it.

It's pretty gobsmacking that when you've had these disclosures from the police, you're not out of there straightaway. Not only that you're berating people for 'piling on' when, to an outsider, the situation is so obvious, and the red flags so numerous!

I'm amazed your child isn't strong enough motivation not to get further Involved, and Instead you go and sleep with him. The posts read like you are just trying to convince yourself and everyone else that he will somehow be different with you. Like you think countless other women haven't seen it all before. I'm actually quite afraid for your child that your self esteem is this dangerously low.

As you're really not going to leave him now, please can I ask you to very seriously sit down and WRITE down (not just think) what it would actually take for you to definitely leave him at this point. Write down everything you can think of, including the most extreme and ludicrous and the most minor things that would ACTUALLY make you leave. Things related to you and things related to your daughter.

The more minor things that occur to you that you waver about adding to that 'definitely' list, add to a separate "maybe" list.

Consider in what column you put the things that have already happened, if either.

Then put the list away for a few days or a week or so.

Come back to it and try to consider the list with fresh eyes as though it had been handed to you by your mum or best friend or grown up daughter re their own relationship. What would you think of it? Consider any category moves between 'definitely' and 'maybe'.

Refer back to it any time something makes you uneasy. See if that thing is already on your lists and tick it if it is. Add it if it's not and tick it.

Keep referring back to the list over time and keep it updated.

Take note if you start to want to move your 'definitely' items into your 'maybe' column after they've happened or as the relationship goes on (your boundaries are eroding).

Take note of how many maybes have been ticked over time (death by a thousand cuts - how many maybes will it take you to decide it's a cumulative 'definitely?)

If your mind starts to slide away from your original intentions and reframe and downplay things, this is one method of allowing you to see in black and white if your standards, rules and boundaries start to slip as you get in too deep.

Hold yourself accountable for your sake and for your daughter's.

Sadly, domestic abuse convictions are very rare to come by, the absence of it is not something that should convince you it didn't happen. 70% of domestic abuse incidents never even gets reported, the fact that several made it to police with this man is very concerning.

Continuing your relationship may not see you needing therapy.. Maybe consider what would happen to your dc if it's too late for therapy.
Documentary on Netflix...
About Dawn Walker...
She didn't acknowledge the red flags either...

Can I just point out that if he’s got a CL record and likely has previous convictions that Social Services will be VERY interested in this relationship as would Probation, as he may still be under their jurisdiction (or known to them).

Ultimately, what would be different for you? Why is he going to treat you any better than his previous partners? Why are YOU the difference, in this scenario? I thought I was the difference. A knife to the throat, a bungled police investigation and many injuries later, I realised I wasn’t.

OP, I read these threads because my mother was in a very similar relationship when I was a child.

She didn't leave him, and she didn't leave him, and she didn't leave him.

By the time he left her, he had made a very serious attempt on her life and put her in hospital.

Any risk with a violent man when you have a child is too much. Your child needs you happy and safe. I share this not to pile on or to judge, but so your child can be luckier than we were.

You can get free support via Freedom Programme.

I think OP that I’m just as concerned about him blocking you with his body, to the point you felt scared as I am about the CL disclosure. More do, in fact.

Yes that spooked me too. I’ve never come across a man try to do that, even light heartedly. I think he might be setting up some weird tests and dynamic.

I think if you are getting thoughts and feelings enough to do a Claire’s Law enquiry your gut is telling you something - most likely that you don’t feel safe (fear can be confused with excitement): listen. As a single woman with a child you are more vulnerable - please remember that and protect yourself (esp your child).

@LightCameraBitchSmile I have zero patience for any woman who puts her desire to have a dangerous useless man in her life before the well being of her children.

The poster is choosing to continue to see a man who she knows is potentially dangerous. She is being selfish and stupid. Why should we pussy foot around the fact? It's not a 20 year marriage. It's a new relationship with a man she barely knows (and should be running a mile from)

It was me who said "Cock before kids"

What is horrible about it? The poster is putting her desire to have a violent man in her life before her child's (and her own) welfare.

She is quite literally choosing this man over common sense and safety. Why should we be gentle about it? I cannot stand to see women risk their children's safety for a man ever. Such women deserve calling out. They are idiots.

I will just mention as I can't recall if I did before, or perhaps the details got lost in all the posts. There was nothing violent that came up on the CL disclosure.

Yea you did OP, changes nothing.

Abuse isn't just physical.

Yes you did OP. But the behaviours on the disclosure were controlling and presumably significant enough to be logged? And as the police said to you, they don’t know the reason it wasn’t taken to court, it could have been the woman didn’t want to pursue it rather than it wasn’t severe enough for a conviction.

I would say a history of controlling behaviour coupled with his “playful” blocking you from getting out of bed for 20 minutes is a really concerning combination.

I know you think this is being overblown by posters here but those of us who have been through it personally all thought the same at the time. It’s hard to see clearly when you’re in the middle of it.

Can you imagine feeling comfortable introducing this man to your DD in six months time? If not, what’s the point of continuing unless you’re only after a FWB (which is fine but you need to be transparent)?

I think, for a lot of people, there's a misunderstanding of what domestic abuse is, how it presents and escalates, and what kind of trauma it can cause to the victims. Just because there hasn't been physical violence doesn't mean that the abuse won't cause lasting damage, it doesn't mean the perpetrator won't eventually kill the victim, and it doesn't mean it isn't serious. The police gave the disclosure because there is a risk to you, there's no way around that.

I think it's also worth remembering that he has already used his physical strength against you, even if he didn't physically hurt you.

I'm interested in why this is a sticking point for you, so please give it some thought.

OP, if he’s already trying to control you at this very early stage and you know there are allegations from the CL disclosure, it’s all downhill from here. No doubt.

My ex wasn’t violent, but he left me a shell of myself and traumatised our children. He didn’t need to be violent, he scared the crap out of us anyway! He removed the mask millimetre by millimetre over years. I had a sense of unease right from the start and despite him coming across as SO gentle and kind initially, but I ignored it. I don’t know if anything would come up on a CL disclosure for him - possibly similar to the one you received, no bodily harm and charges not pressed.

It is now nearly 4 years after leaving and we are still suffering the consequences of his abuse. Don’t let yourself be in that position when you have so much evidence already that he is bad news. Stop it now. Xx

Violence may not have come up, but it sounds like abuse (and therefore the potential for violence) did.

The police disclosed to you because they think there is potential for this man to harm you and they want you to be aware of that risk.

Most men would have nothing to report on CL disclose.

I keep coming back to your words from a previous post 'I felt scared but tried not to show it'. For me, that would be a red line, however innocent or misunderstood he might be.

I almost wrote that you're sleepwalking into an abusive relationship, but you're not. You're just absolutely determined to have a relationship with an abuser despite Clare's Law revelations, despite all the advice.

Your eyes are wide open and you're still doing it.

What's most inexcusable is that you have a child and you're still intent on it.

I can't understand your stupidity I really can't.

No, but he's been violent to you since.

When you leave him, which you will have to do eventually, maybe his violence will be recorded on CL for his next victim.

Using his weight to stop you leaving is violence, OP.

He will never change. You're wasting your time, your life and putting yourself and your child in danger, just for some weird, seedy little man.

There was a list of incidents - pretty much all aligned with what he had told me. Nothing physical. A couple of extra concerning allegations - filming her friends and accessing her account on a computer and deleting documents.

^hmmm…. I’m wondering why their divorce was so acrimonious. What is the reason he gives for the divorce? How long married? A “list” of incidents - what kind? Why would she make these false allegations - the ones you describe seem very specific ? If they are true, are these the actions of a man with a sane, mature brain exiting a relationship? Your personal security first always: whilst you decide don’t let this man into your home even once, or meet your child. The fact that you have kept him away so far tells me you think something is up.

The fact he even had a disclosure to make in the first place is the whole point here. One which you seem intent on missing so it’s pointless posting really. Perhaps just come back looking for help in future when the inevitable happens because you prioritised your sex life over your child.