Clare's law request

[olivietolivie]

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

Ugh this isn't an easy thread to keep reading.

I have (recently) had therapy which covered self esteem, yes. Perhaps it wasn't good enough. I can't afford anymore at this time unfortunately as I had 20 sessions last year.

I guess I just feel at this stage I'm not taking a huge risk because he's completely separate to my life and I'm just seeing him a limited amount per week and without anyone else there or involved. If things go downhill I'll just end it.

And I have this thought that he may be telling the truth. Because it isn't outside the realm of possibility. He has also now told me the additional things that came up in Clare's law (I haven't told him I did that) so now he has told me everything that has been disclosed to me by the police.

I'm in two minds about keeping this thread up to date because a) it genuinely is hard to read, I think some posters could try and be a bit kinder with their messaging and b) I sense I'm just basically pissing off about a hundred women by not updating to say it's over yet.

I don't know. It's a useful thread with so much good advice on it so I'm glad it's here but I'm feeling a little bit piled on. Whereas by contrast he is lovely to me (I know I know.... aren't they all to begin with).

I do genuinely appreciate the advice and time people have taken. Please don't think I don't by saying this. I'm just finding it harder to post here and when I do I now slightly dread picking up my phone as some of the posts are intense.

The trouble with waiting for red flags is that when they show up, they might be worse than you think.

When my red flags appeared, they didn't wave slowly in the distance, they came with strangulation, and a punch in the face with a broken nose and a black eye.

It's not a question of taking it slowly, not introducing your child. It's more whether your child is going to be attending your funeral and growing up without you. Men kill women every day. And if you've had a warning that you're spending time with a scary one, for your child's sake please extricate yourself safely.

I think OP that I’m just as concerned about him blocking you with his body, to the point you felt scared as I am about the CL disclosure. More do, in fact.

Let me ask you, do you think keeping a close eye for red flags will end up in a healthy relationship with an equal balance of power? Or will you always feel slightly on edge?

If this was your daughter in this relationship, what would you advise her to do? Sometimes if we struggle to take proper care of ourselves, it’s easier to see clearly when you replace yourself in a scenario with a daughter, mum, friend etc.

I understand that you don’t feel ready to leave him because it’s not “bad enough” but maybe ask yourself is it actually good enough? And what happens when it does get bad enough, how can you be sure you won’t get hurt?

You’ve been brave to come back and update - please do come back again. Posters here are frustrated because this such a well-trodden path and the risk of you getting hurt is very real to us looking at it from the outside. We are just worried about you.

You deserve more than a relationship spent walking on eggshells.

Take care 💐

We are just worried about you. Please don't feel picked on.

That there are any things at all is the first red flag.

This peppering of bad information, carefully controlled is also a red flag. And common practice. It also makes me wonder if his last gf did a claire’s law request and told him.

What do you want from dating this man? Do you want it to progress? Because it isnt just you. You have had police contact in the first two months. He made you worried for your safety the first time you had sex. Two years down the line if he hurts you and in doing so damages your daughter, are you ok knowing you had very clear signs to walk away and that damage could very well have been avoided?

this is a choice you are making. You have all the power at this stage. Look carefully at what you want from this and what that could mean for your child.

youre not passively walking into this. You have the information. You have the books and books of the type of behaviours in abusers. All of this is your choice to make.

Op it’s not a risk you should take. .He may not be too involved in your life just now but if you try to end it .
He may stalk you hurt you threaten you . Bad mouth you to people try to sabotage your life your work your close bonds with family and friends with lies . If he doesn’t do that before you get to the ending it stage.( ask me or the rather women on here commenting how they know )
The truth does hurt. Maybe that’s why you’re finding this hard to read.
There are thousands of men , end this now and go find one that doesn’t have the police watching them , trying to make sure more women are not hurt.

As a side note watch “worst ex ever” on Netflix I’ve just came across it. .

What if he’s playing the long game though and the time you spot the red flags what if it’s too late. Have you read about “the boiling frog”. Hes already shown you a red flag with the bed thing.

There are so many other men out there who have not had the police involved in these sort issues. Why are you settling for this one you should be running a mile.

If things go downhill I'll just end it.

What, so if he frightens you again, by not letting you leave? By using his strength to stop you from getting up? Or are you waiting to be actually beaten up before you end it?

And I have this thought that he may be telling the truth. Because it isn't outside the realm of possibility.

Telling the truth about what?

@olivietolivie it doesn't matter what he says. It doesn't matter if he's telling you the truth or not. He has already used his male strength to scare you.

You've got a child. Protect your child, even if you're not willing to protect yourself.

I'm in two minds about keeping this thread up to date becaus it genuinely is hard to read.
I think some posters could try and be a bit kinder with their messaging.

You're finding it hard to read because absolutely nobody has suggested staying with this man.
We're all telling you to bail out.
Many of us are survivors of male violence and control. Including me.

If CL had been available back in the 1980s, before I married my first husband, I could have saved myself ten years of extreme distress and violence.

As someone who has been through it, I partly feel it was my fault because his ex wife told me and I ignored her. Guess what, everything she said was true so I had all the information and still continued. That’s my biggest battle is I was told and still continued so I carry a lot of shame and guilt. Do you want to live with that feeling if he turns out to be exactly what they said? Do you want to feel stupid and small as well as a feeling was I that desperate for love?

likely you’re gunna get fucked so badly. You have to make peace with the feelings that will bring. Self loathing isn’t an easy one to live with.

Has anyone heard the song I’m just a girl who can’t say no from The musical Oklahoma?
Its whirling around in my head when I read this post.
OP you sound a lovely sensitive lady who just can’t say no.
This guy can sense that.
You are vulnerable and he senses that.

I hope you see this relationship is no good for you x x

Yea he's drip fed you the "information" of past police involvement on purpose, one bit at a time so that it's not an overwhelm/scare you off.

Do you think the vast majority of the population would have something come up on a Clare's law disclosure? Of course not! It's incredibly rare.

It amazes me with men who've had past police involvement due to domestic abuse, love to paint it that they've got these bitter exes who do it out of malice... cause they're just SO wonderful that when a relationship ends the ex is so crushed they make false allegations to the police... YEA RIGHT.

Everyone is just worried about you OP, and your child. Your choices now could impact her childhood and the rest of her life significantly. You sound very vulnerable.

I’m sorry it’s hard to read, @olivietolivie . As pp said, so many of us have been there- me included- and we just want to save you from some heartache and the possibility of worse than heartache. Not knowing him, we just can’t see what about this guy is worth the risk, and I worry that he will continue to mask until for you it’s too late and you have made a commitment or somehow got in deep, and then escaping is more difficult.

Listen, I moved in with my disaster, after leaving an emotionally abusive partnership and thinking I was wise to the signs. He turned violent and I had moved my child in with him. He went off on one about her, his resentment of her; I had ignored red flags and I won’t get over that, it horrifies me even now, nearly a decade later. We were ultimately very lucky, but I could have avoided the whole situation- it cost me a lot financially and personally and I just want to help every other woman to avoid similar. I won’t keep on reiterating the same things, but please know that we are here for you and will support you if you need it even if we don’t think you made sensible choices. Take care of yourself.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Just leaving this here for anyone reading that may be in an abusive or controlling relationship and needs support.

I can see why this is difficult for you. I guess the issue would be by the time you see any red flags you will be deeply entrenched in the relationship so much harder to call it quits then. Most don’t start out abusive or else you would run so they reel you in and by the time they slowly start to show their true colours it’s too late for an easy exit. He may be telling the truth but I wouldn’t in a million years take the risk knowing the outcome and where you will end up if he isn’t

If things go downhill I'll just end it.

It can be much, much harder to do this the longer you’re together and the more emotionally attached you become.

OP, the thing about red flags is that they are not amber warnings. They are not cumulative. They are red. They mean 'end it now'.

If the red flag is flying when you get to the beach, you don't go in the water and have a little swim while you wait to see if any more start flying.

You've had red flags already. As I have said already, it will never be easier to leave than now. It only ever gets harder because you get more attached, and the abuse that he calls 'banter' and 'jokes' creates a trauma bond - and that is stronger than love.

We all fear for you and your child

Anything at all that shows up on a check is not good. I did a check on my current partner, the only reason I did this is because DS dad in prison due to DV. The CL came back with 0 information, as I expected it would.

Another poster said that they wondered whether previous CL was carried out and he knew about it. So that's why he has dropped in his version of events covering each thing.

Since I've come out of the other side of a long DV history, I've found out other people's versions of the tales he told. He is also the master of down playing his actions.

Because I've had all of that, there is NO WAY I'd ever put myself knowingly in a vulnerable position. The last woman ex P had a relationship with almost died and he ended up in prison as a result. Im v lucky it wasn't me.

Take on board the comment about him being good enough. And what type of person you actually deserve. This isn't it.

@olivietolivie is there any way you can reach out to his ex? I hesitate to suggest it as it sounds like she's been through enough but perhaps her version could give you an indication whether they were just wrong for each other and it went to bad places or if you're just the latest in a string of victims.

I’m wary he has disclosed things to you because I worry he’s making you gain his trust.

If things go downhill I'll just end it.

They already did.

You went from being concerned to him then persuading you to stay for sex and using his body strength to stop you leaving when you wanted to.

When you read that back in black and white can you see how deeply troubling it is?

Please don't feel picked on, people are just concerned about you as you're making a risky decision.

One that affects your child as well as you.

Please reconsider.

OP knows the risks, she's choosing to carry on.

If she dumps him, he'll move on to someone else who probably won't do 'Clares Law', so won't be as cautious.

Good luck OP, there's a fair possibility you might need it. x

If things go downhill I'll just end it

Will you, though,@olivietolivie? Really, will you?

You started out saying you’d done the CL because you have a child, this man had told you some things and you were worried. You were anticipating things ending with him very soon because there was going to be a disclosure, but it wouldn’t be too much of a wrench because you’d only been casually seeing him for a couple of months, he didn’t know where you lived, he hadn't met your DC.

You had the disclosure. It told you there were concerning things.

You didn’t end it.

You saw him again and you didn’t want to have sex with him, but you did have sex with him. And he frightened you by not letting you go, using his strength in a 'playful' way that nevertheless made you feel quite scared and uneasy.

You didn’t end it.

You're now still seeing him and 'keeping a close eye' for the 'red flags' the police specifically told you about. But he’s told you more things and you’re now thinking he’s telling the truth.

So you're not going to end it just yet.

Can you see how people are so worried that from a position of very sensibly doing the right thing, you’re gradually moving beyond a point of being able to extricate yourself safely and easily from this man's control?

We can tell you to leave until we are blue in the face. But it’s obvious you aren’t going to leave him. you’re waiting for the hard evidence that he’s abusive, when you have a window of opportunity to leave before you’re in deep. I feel so passionate about this because I’ve been a victim of domestic abuse and the trauma is still with me years and years later so if I’m being intense it’s because I don’t want anyone else to go through it. I really am not saying it to be mean. And I didn’t have kids at the time and I’m grateful for that.
You have an out with the information you have yet you choose to stay, and it’s so early. Why take the risk? I was in deep. Once they have their claws in you it’s hard to get out. And I worry with your low self esteem you’re going to blame yourself.
Good luck x