Clare's law request

[olivietolivie]

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

Can I ask what are the signs of potential abusive partner in early stages or 2 years in.

What a waste of your life. You could have someone nice instead.

I think feeling like you have to ask the question is a pretty glaring sign

This, but less overt.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

I think one of the main signs is a clares law disclosure at the police station!

How many red flags is too many red flags @olivietolivie?

Run and be thankful you’ve found out now. Make sure you’re safe, change locks and take advice from the police/women’s aid if needed.

She is still seeing him though.

What the fuck are you doing? Seriously op?

I think you need counselling for you to find your worth.
He is a bad man. The sooner you get rid, the better.
There are so many more men in the world who are lovely.

I would have put money on you not leaving him from your other posts and you’ve sadly confirmed what I thought. So disappointing. Your poor child. You’re not special in the eyes of this man, if he’s capable of abusive behaviour before he will do it again.
keeping a close eye at this stage? Why are you so desperate for this man?

My bf has adhd we did have a lot of issues initially but since re starting meds (he stopped taking at age 18) he's been fine no hitting th3 fridge or sulking outside at 11pm thinking I'm going looking for him then when I dont kicking of about it. But i am fed up and ended things as he constantly sends money to his coke addicted dad and iv since found out he's a coke head. I'm not I don't even drink i hate drugs. I've said he can lodge for a bit. He's out in town tonight with his dad in a hotel most likely shagging som3one and getting of his face on drugs. But I don't care anymore. It's so bloody hard not to open a dating app for someone to speak to. I need to heal myself but having adhd myself makes impulsively bloody hard to control

Putting cock over your own and your own child's safety.

Some woman really do have it coming to them...

Your child isn’t safe and yes you are being an idiot. And you know that. Sad.

@Starsandshinee and @Iaminthefly when you speak to victims / potential victims / anyone in this way you put them off talking about it and getting help. It pushes people to keep things quiet and shuts off their communities of support.

I get that you don't agree with the OP but you're not being helpful, you're being judgemental

You were very sensible going to the police with your suspicion. But they've confirmed it. Why are you still there? It won't get better. Likely the police officer was restricted in what she could tell you anyway but you know enough.

Quite. I am gobsmacked.

”Keeping a close eye”… OP, you are being such a fool. And your child… Wish I hadn’t read this update.

So you were concerned enough to ask the police about him, then days later dropped your knickers like that didn’t happen? your concept of boundaries is messed up

It’s your life, but good grief! I just think it’s sad. Out of 100s of men out there, this is the man you want to share a bed with and potentially introduce your children to?

Wow.

You have a child OP.

You've decided this man is worth the risk then?

We ended up in bed. I had wanted to wait longer as wasn't really ready for that. He checked that I consented and whether I wanted him to stop and I said it was ok, but I definitely ended up in a vulnerable situation that I had started the evening resolute not to be in.

When it was time for me to go home, he didn't want me to go. And for about twenty minutes I'd estimate he didn't let me go. Not in a nasty way, but he was using his body to prevent me from getting up and kept saying that he wanted me to stay. I felt scared but tried not to show it.

You've had the warning signs. Loads of them. And he has previous.

And you're still seeing him.

Bloody hell, this is so depressing to read.

Read your own words back OP. And remember that your responsibility is to your child. You're making a bad decision.

OP - thank you for your honest update. Everyone seems to have the same opinion, and whilst some are harsh, it's because of concern for you, and an understanding of what will happen differently to how you see it.
But that's not the only helpful or useful way, as I feel you just want this guy and your relationship to be ok. For me I feel more attached after sleeping with someone- I think many do and you've taken that step and so maybe feel closer. Also I can hear you're not able to be totally sure the guy is violent - as well you haven't seen it personally, he's given you a possibly plausible explanation, he seems nice mostly. We mostly never get full knowledge at this point and it drives us mad debating what's true and what's not at this stage. It actually generally doesn’t actually matter - it's what we can live with, and what risks we are confident to take.
I'm sorry if you feel pressured here even though it mainly comes from concern, but do get back on here to talk it through if you still aren't sure, it can be hard to do that irl as you want those people to see the best of him, and of you for seeing him so we often hide some stuff.
Best of luck sorting it OP.

They are NEVER abusive or violent straight away. If they were people would be leaving immediately. They suck you in. Get you to fall in love with them. Move in with them. Fall pregnant with their child. Are lovely at first. Then you’re left thinking when they do show their true colours “oh they weren’t always like this, maybe I did something to upset them, maybe it won’t happen again, he’s so lovely normally” and the cycle begins. You were given a warning. I know lots of women feel attached once sleeping with someone. But please bloody listen. If not for you, your child!!!!! Who deserves more than a potential bad man in her life. And echoing the above, people and myself may be sounding harsh but it’s coming from real concern for your safety and your child’s.

For the love of God and all that's holy!!

Think of your child if nothing else!

I have to agree with this. He used his weight to control you and prevent you leaving when you told him you wanted to leave. And that was the first time you has sex with him. When he should have been on best behaviour trying to impress.

He is one of those who uses force to get what he wants and passes it off as a joke. THIS EARLY! It should make you think carefully about his version of the claire’s law revelation, doesnt it? Think about what you would have had to have done to get him off you when you wanted to leave. Would you have had to push him off? Now think of his ex wife who eventually went to the police about him and his version is she was the abuser. Was that because he said he was only playing? Was her abuse in his eyes actually her trying to get him off her?

You have already identified your self-esteem is poor. Have you seen anyone about that?

Do you need a bunting’s worth of red flags?

Wish there had been such a thing as Clare’s law and the awareness there is now to save me from my abuser.

You do realise that leaving it too long until you make the break will make it even more difficult to get away from him - he will see you as his property.

GET AWAY NOW!