Clare's law request

[olivietolivie]

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

Just a playful use of his strength that meant I couldn't leave when I wanted to

No judgement from me @olivietolivie
I've been in a very abusive relationship myself.

This man is testing you. He managed to get you into bed, although that hadn't been your intention at all.

Then he stopped you from leaving.

That clearly frightened you, and rightly so.

Please keep posting. And ignore the people who aren't being supportive towards you.

I'm quite sure that you're sensible enough to put an end to this relationship now.

Not to scare you op, but my sister went through this. She was then assaulted physically and sexually by the guy. Only to find out he had nearly beaten his previous gf to death. Only thing is by the time the cracks revealed he already knew where she and her four kids lived.

You have the power of hind sight here. Don't let it get to that, because once it comes to it nothing can undo it.

Well done for being honest, if this thread comes to an end before you’re ready , I’m sure a therapist will be there to help you navigate this kind of thing lovely, be good to find one asap so that you can keep talking and learning about yourself and patterns of relating etc etc xx his playful keeping ahold of you might not have meant anything in isolation but with all the other red flags - it probably falls into the collection of red flags you’re clocking x sending hugs x

It's very common; indeed, text-book behaviour. These men always follow a pattern - it's spooky, as if they're following some sort of guide book to which only they have access. The only good thing about this is that the formulaic nature of this behaviour makes it easy to recognise.

@olivietolivie I'd also like to commend you for your courage in posting here, and to urge you to keep on posting for advice. Because another common factor connects those on the receiving end of this behaviour - that 'scales falling from the eyes' moment, when you acknowledge yourself as the chosen victim of this type of man. This is about as painful a realization as it gets. It can take time to process this and I'd say it was a good thing that you're receiving these warning signs so early in the relationship. Your latest interaction with him is also showing you warning signs, hence your own fear and hesitation. Your gut knows what's wrong here. It's shouting out to you about this man. Given time to process this, your heart and head will catch up.

When this happens, and it will, MN will be here for you❤

Keep posting, keep questioning.

I spent quite some time wondering if it might be my ex husband. These men do seem to operate in an eerily similar way.

I look back on a "playful restraint" post sex incident, and think fucking hell what was I thinking going back again.

I'd give my 25 year old self the talking to if her life now.

I think the vast majority of us on this thread have been in this situation to some extent which is why we are so concerned. We recognise the red flags from our own lives

No judgement @olivietolivie just worry for you x

Same here! As a young woman I completely believed every word my ex said, when he told me the story of how his ex ‘set him up’ and threw herself down the stairs and called the police. His whole family believed him and the ex was labeled the usual ‘nut job’ with mental health issues. Of course he went on to do the exact same with me.

It's hard to think of yourself as a victim and being manipulated. From your last update, he's eroding your boundaries. He knows what you want but he's pushing and convincing you to go further than you would have preferred. Yes you are consenting but there's a pressure there. Abusers are lovely until they are told no. Whilst you do what they want and behave how they want, they're charming and likeable. But tell them no, challenge their views and you'll see the facade crack.

You felt uneasy enough to do a Clares law request. You felt uneasy after your recent date. Listen to yourself. Don't talk yourself into a relationship with him from fear you're missing out.

I really like the advice above to spend a few years getting to know yourself and not need a relationship. Be self sufficient and not frightened to be alone. You see so many women tolerate bad relationships as they don't want to be alone. Trust me, being alone is a million times better than living with constant angst and potentially living in fear. Yes, it's frightening to have no one to fall back on but once you see how you are able to be self sufficient, you realise you don't need to tolerate rubbish behaviour from a partner. That's liberating.

So, trust yourself. You're seeing things that are making you uneasy even if it's subconsciously. Don't talk yourself into ignoring that feeling. You have it for a reason.

This isn't how a relationship should be. Especially not early on. You are ignoring your own boundaries and doubting yourself. If there were no red flags to see you wouldn't be wondering if X thing he did is a red flag or not and trying to play devil's advocate that maybe you misinterpreted things. You should be relaxed and happy and excited about your relationship and feeling like you've gained something, not like you've compromised yourself.

I have a bad feeling OP that you aren’t going to end things with this man despite everything you’ve been shown. He’s also now pushing the boundaries. You’ve only known him a few months, if you find it hard to leave now imagine how hard it will be in a few years in.

Please please think of your children. You don’t need this man. I feel your self esteem and worth are very low. Please don’t continue this relationship.

Don’t subject your children to a potential dangerous situation. If you won’t do it for yourself please do it for them.

I suspect she’s already back with him.

I genuinely hope you're ok, OP. Whatever you've decided.... We're all here to listen. I doubt anybody is judging you as you've taken every precaution you can and thought diligently about all your decisions.

It never even paused from what I could gather.

I feel a bit harsh for saying this but some people choose attention over safety and their children.

The police disclosing a list of incidents that he has told you about just means that he’s told you what he knows you will get from the Claire’s law, in a way that paints him in the best possible light. I know 2 people who did Claire’s law on their partners. Both partners had disclosed the incidents they knew would be listed, while claiming they were exaggerated/made up/the ex was a psycho/they were the real victim. They all say the same things. Both friends fell for it. Friend 1 nearly died when her boyfriend flipped over nothing and tried to strangle her (found not guilty which I find even worse- the police did their best to convict but he was charismatic where friend isnt and can come across as unlikeable, not her fault, she’s had a tough life, - and the jury fell for it). So that was a serious incident that I know for a fact happened as I collected her after the attack, but has no conviction so he will no doubt pass it off to his next victim as made up. The other friend is now pressing charges after her boyfriend headbutted her out of nowhere. It’s unlikely to get a conviction as no witnesses and police know it happened but feel a jury will struggle to convict and may see it as a he said - she said incident.

So yeah. Not having a conviction doesn’t mean he’s innocent. You have a child that you are putting at risk if you continue this relationship. That’s on you.

So lucky you have Clare’s Law there.
Here in Australia we don’t have it. Unfortunately a family member has just gone through Family Violence (emotional and controlling), including stalking, installing spyware, and spy cameras in the house.
On reporting it to police and getting an AVO, We found out he has 2 different priors for similar things.
I hope things are ok for you.

How are things OP?

Thanks for checking in. I still haven't made any decisions. We are seeing each other, taking things slowly, not seen any other red flags. Keeping a close eye.

Oh
My
Fucking
Days.

Oh Jesus Christ. Is it really worth the risk?

It’s really not worth the risk !
By the time he shows his truth colours op eipl
be “in love “ or brainwashed. .@olivietolivie

Surely there’s been enough red flags already @olivietolivie ? He’s done such a number on you.

Claire’s Law is there to protect people. Don’t be another statistic.

I’m wondering what it is that’s keeping you there? Couple of months in, there are historical incidents and he’s pushed your boundaries around sex and made you feel unsafe in an intimate situation. What is it about him(?) or you(?) that means you haven’t stopped seeing him?

Imagine chatting to a really good friend, they say they are in a newish relationship, they aren’t excited to see new bloke, not daydreaming about what a future might look like with them, not totally relaxed in their company & instead, are looking for red flags at all times, needing to stay alert when with them, must be careful not to drink too much as must be in control, can’t fully relax, has reasons to think there might be dangers, but not seen quite enough to dump him yet because sometimes he’s nice.

What would you advise her??