Clare's law request

[olivietolivie]

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

Abusive men do use the "it was only a joke/I was just playing around" excuse. It never starts off bad enough for you to leave. The fact that you've overstepped your boundaries (been coerced without fully realising) and are feeling confused is a clear indication that he's mess with your head.

There are plenty of threads on here from women who state their partner has been physically abusive, and they still try to convince them they were "only messing around".

You're at the start of his gaslighting and coercive behaviour, that foggy headed confused feeling is all his doing.

I'm not judging you, like most others here I'm concerned because I've been there, and wish I could transport my back to make a different decision. It's all so clear looking back, but when you're years down the line and damaged beyond recognition it's so hard to get back.

Read this again and again OP.

Please don’t feel judged or piled on, everyone here is speaking with absolute kindness and we only comment because we want the best and safest situation for you. Your gut is screaming and you aren’t sure how to hear it, I get that, but the part of you that’s sad and confused knows it’s being controlled here.

Of course he’s being nice and playful with it; but he testing things while showing you exactly who he is. And while you’re in an extremely vulnerable position, even “playfully” stopping you leave is not okay. Not after everything you’ve been told he’s capable of.

at no point was there any aggression or anything. Just a playful use of his strength that meant I couldn't leave when I wanted to

Sounds like compliance testing to me.

This is how contolling and manipulative men get their claws into us. They push our boundaries and exert control in ways that can be subtle and are easily explained away at first.

But they learn from it whether you'll stand up to them or if they're able to bamboozle you with smiles and nice words, while getting you to do what they want. Further down the line there will be other ways to manipulate and controll you that won't be so nicely packaged.

I'd get out. What someone said upthread about event if he didn't commit a crime, he still had an active role in a relationship that ended up with police involvement, that's a huge red flag.

I don't want you to feel I'm adding to a pile on but I think it is time to leave him.

I know it's sad but you'll feel better in a week or two and that stressed, confused feeling will go.

I'm a tall, broad woman and I've been out with men much shorter and slighter than me and I'd never dream of using my weight/strength to stop them doing what they wanted. 20 minutes is a long time.

"He may well have been playful, but your seed is sewn now, and you will read in to everything he does"

This is the crux of the matter isn't it?

You're already doubting everything about him and that's no way to start a relationship.

Well done for sharing your story though - as much as it's helpful for you, it will also be extremely helpful for others.

She’s is walking further into this with her eyes wide open. If that’s what she wants to do then so be it.

just a playful use of his strength that meant I couldn't leave when I wanted to

This does not sound good, OP. Please keep safe.

Do you see you’re already minimising these red flags, OP? You’ve been to a police station, have been given an actual disclosure by Police, have wound up in bed with him feeling frightened , and you’re blaming yourself for ‘not being that firm’ that you wanted to leave.

This is untenable. Who gives a shit if he’s ‘innocent’ or not, you were frightened and unsettled.

End it. Work on yourself. Find someone who hasn’t had any police involvement for harassing women.

Also, there’s no such thing ‘as playful use of his strength’. He was testing to see how far he could push you. Or control you.

Exactly this, and by the time they exert their control in more overt ways you have defended them and justified them so much you can’t back out. It was just once and he’s always been nice before, so surely you’re imagining things. He was only like that because you were in a bad mood, etc. Then it’s how you have given this man a year of your life, or you’ve moved in together and don’t want to suddenly back out. Sunk costs and all that.

It’s a spiral for a reason, please don’t fall into it. He’s testing you.

I find early on in a relationship is to say no and see how they take it.

will they push or take it at face value and rearrange.

one threw a trantum at me cos I said I couldn’t make it and I was being selfish for telling him no. This was years ago and I never saw him again. We’d been dating 5 months at that point.

@Channellingsophistication he's now pushing your boundaries, your gut is telling you this. If you do continue to date please, please do the freedom programme too.

think it was Becker an author that said
men fear we’ll laugh at them
women fear they’ll kill us

"Playing" is just practicing, he's doing a practice run of pushing boundaries and controlling you. It's just "fun" so he doesn't have to take responsibility and you feel unsure about asserting yourself.

Is any guy worth risking your safety and life over? How red do the red flags need to be op.

Would you ever feel comfortable with introducing to him to your child, even if it's just one strike out of 3 to his name. That's one too many.

I really dont see how you can navigate a future with this person knowing what you do. There are many more men out there op, you don't need to resign and settle yourself to this. As a mother myself, if I had to even CONSIDER doing a CL on any man he would just be thrown out. He really isn't worth the chance.

All of this.

If you didn't have children then you'd be silly to keep seeing him but because you do have kids, you'd be irresponsible to do so too.

Please end the relationship, it simply isn't worth the risk.

You say you didn't intend to have sex with him, but it happened anyway, even though you were a bit on edge around him @olivietolivie . A lot of abusive men can tell when a woman's starting to have doubts, to pull away from him, so they redouble their efforts to control them, what you've said today is exactly that situation.
You're walking on thin ice here Op, please think very carefully about what you do next

I can totally understand how what happened did, no judgement towards you at all. But your description of his behaviour is making me very uneasy. Quite a few red flags.

You sound like a lovely person who deserves better than a relationship that's throwing up so much concern so early on.

Oh bless you @olivietolivie that sounds so scary. Can I just say that in 20 years I have never, ever felt afraid of my DH. I dont want to badger you but I really think using his body to try to stop you, even in ‘play’ in a new relationship is massive red flag. He should have been on absolutely best behaviour. If his best behaviour is this. He has some behaviour you REALLY don’t want to stay around long enough to see.

@olivietolivie

Honestly, there is nothing 'playful' about a man using his strength to keep a woman (or anyone for that matter) from doing what they want to do. I'd probably let the first "No, I don't want you to go" pass if it appeared non-threatening, but if I said "No, really, I want/need to go" and the man didn't immediately release whatever hold he had on me so I could get up I'd consider it a HUGE red flag even if I hadn't been warned off by the police.

And you say you weren't 'firm'. You need to understand that you shouldn't need to be firm. Even if you'd said laughingly "You big poopyhead, let me up" he should have let go.

And him taking 20 minutes to let you up? That was a show of power and a test of 'how far can I push her/how serious will she take this'. He was testing you to see how easily he could make you his next victim. Thank God he showed his cards so early on!

Honestly, you need to can him now. Remember that you don't 'owe' him anything, especially trying to continue a relationship that has so many red flags. You don't have to make a big production or give a thousand reasons. You simply say or text "I've been giving this a lot of thought and I've decided that you aren't what I'm looking for (or we aren't right for each other) so I'm ending things. My decision is final and I don't feel the need for a big discussion. I wish you the nothing but the best but please don't contact me again". Done.

I think the fact that he 'playfully' used his strength and larger size to prevent you from leaving when you are so newly dating is very concerning.

It's early days and you probably haven't had a disagreement, argument or falling out. I won't want to see how he would behave in that situation. Especially if he was drunk or high.

I know you don't want a pile on, and I know you are lonely, but there are nice men out there.
I have no idea how many men have been cautioned by the police for domestic violence but there must be far more that haven't been. Could you try and find one of those ones?

It's easy to look back and realise you've wasted so many years with someone who wasn't right for you. But staying with this man is very likely to involve him being violent and abusive to you. Even if you don't value your life, I know you value your child's. Even if this guy never uses his physical strength to abuse your child, living in a house with DV is no joke, and being abused makes being a good parent and role model do much harder.

I wish you well and hope you can be strong enough to walk away.

Don’t feel ashamed @olivietolivie it’s happened to the best of us. It is important that we talk - abuse is a well hidden secret and it’s not us who should feel the shame.

I am really sorry if you’ve found some of the comments harsh. I hope you do understand that they have come from a place of good intent and concern for you. Sending you a hug.

I really hope you have put yourself first after this horrible situation. He sounds like a nasty piece of work and like a couple of previous posters have said, it sounds like a compliance test.

The police have warned you, people on here have warned you but also YOU have warned you. Please listen to your gut instinct. It is screaming at you.

You might be feeling awful now but please listen to those of us who are telling you that it’s only going to get worse.

Sending you strength and positive vibes x

Predators play with their prey, OP. Until they move on to the attack. Please, please don't allow this predator anywhere near you, or your daughter.

"And for about twenty minutes I'd estimate he didn't let me go. Not in a nasty way, but he was using his body to prevent me from getting up and kept saying that he wanted me to stay. "

That's domestic violence where I am. That was also a test of your boundaries. He physically kept you from leaving when you wanted.

You know.

At least keep your kid away.

I'm afraid that I have an automatic response to 'playful' uses of strength on the part of men, and that is an instant fight or flight one - and I don't think that's particularly rare among women either. It is just not the kind of approach I find appealing from any man, and particularly when we are navigating the early stages of a relationship. The need to be able to get away on my terms is just a non negotiable - this would be further aggravated by what you know from the CL disclosure (but I have to say it would put me off even without it)

I write this not to sit in judgement at all though. Like others on the thread, I know how sinuous and suggestive abusers are, and how they slither into your life so charmingly before you almost realise it.

On the upside, you have the drop on him here. You have realised it. But he doesn't know you know.

Knowledge is power should you wish to use it. All that posters are saying is: use your knowledge wisely.

OP you deserve so much better. Two things.

One, I've been in your shoes, I thought it was all I was deserving of and this could be the only person who loved me. That was entirely untrue, and a better man was out there who was worthy of my time.

Two, no abuser is abusive at the outset. They build trust, test limits, break you slowly down, then trap you. The fact you can see the signs at this stage is amazing and gives you a chance of not ending up as another domestic violence statistic.

If you stay, this will happen. This isn't a man you can change. They never are.

Please, please, please leave him, and do it tonight.

It's very perceptive of you to have noted the premature sex, OP, and particularly the playful but extended restraint. It was also, as you know, wisely self-protective to use Clare's Law and to explore your reactions on here. You're not as daft as you think!

I like the term used above, compliance testing. There can be a familiar dynamic for those of us who've been conditioned to abuse, a sense of "This is a game I know". It can feel pretty great, like finding a well-matched dance partner.

For me, the early-stage challenges were fun. I'm slightly horrified to look back at myself choosing a battle of wills as an essential relationship component. It goes without saying that, much as I may have won a battle here and there, I was opting into a war. What I wanted was a mutually supportive, kind, equitable relationship. But I was compliant with war games, so that's what I got.

I have some faith that you'll walk off the battlefield this time! You'll only get a kind, supportive relationship if that's what you choose.

You have children.

Put them first and stop seeing this man immediately. Sorry but what on earth are you doing. This man could hurt you or your children. He is dangerous.

People are pushy footing around it for some reason. You would be utterly irresponsible to keep seeing this man. Your children are more important than 🍆