Clare's law request

[olivietolivie]

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

There are so many red flags all over this guy, I really hope at some point you see one of them OP.

Please, please end it now.

We are all here for you. Now and in the future 💞

I hope you're ok. The thing people forget about abuse, is that abusers are not always always aggressive and angry (at the beginning at least). But they will still use whatever they can to control you and get what they want, as he has done here.

It doesn't matter if he was charming while he was doing it, but he has used his physical strength against you, and manipulated you into having sex with him when you were not ready. These are not things a good man does. I know it's confusing, because he is saying all the right words, but your instinct is telling you this isn't right because his actions don't match those words. Please listen to it, because this is how domestic abuse starts.

After an emotionally abusive relationship I was single for about 2 years then got together with someone else- thinking I had done the work on myself- and that guy was even worse. Things got physical. So please don’t berate yourself but do spend a long time not even trying to date (I took five years). Living alone and being self sufficient was not hard and was the best thing I did for myself ever. Home was a sanctuary. I also had therapy. I did meet someone after, but would never have been able to be with him without spending that time learning to live with myself. The clarity was something completely new- because I didn’t need anyone, I could see what they were, I had no need to excuse things, I could see manipulation and nonsense(from men at parties for example or even someone I had considered a good friend).

Hugs to you. Be gentle to yourself and give yourself lots more time.

'a playful use of his strength'. That little phrase has made me feel shivery.

Tread carefully OP. x

And I agree- this man doesn’t have good intentions towards you. He will hurt you and make your life miserable. Please end things now.

op please don't feel like you can't post here no one is going to judge you, these kind of men are sly and clever about it and abuse isn't something that happens over night, it's often very subtle at first and when you are in the thick of it you can't always see it, but for others looking in he has huge red flags. you feel uneasy because your instincts are shouting at you that this guy is no good. deep down you know that or you wouldn't have done the Claire's law in the first place. listen to those instincts and trust them. x

You sound so absolutely lovely, please don't feel there would be a pile on. You are processing, it's an awful lot to take in, I think you know what you are going to do, you are just a bit shell shocked

I for one and making no judgement whatsoever about you seeing him, I think it is really brave of you to be so honest.

I also completely empathise on the weird feeling of knowledge once you have requested a Claire's law. I stayed for another month after my disclosure, I couldn't get out of my head that they only disclose if they feel he is a risk to you. Additionally you know you've doubted him, and done something to find out about his not personal information, and you can never tell him that.

He may well have been playful, but your seed is sewn now, and you will read in to everything he does

Don't worry about judgment, carry on being honest, and keeping people close
You don't live with him, your child is not involved.

I think your gut is telling you all you need to know but for some reason you’re choosing not to listen to it.

Just remember that the most important thing is your relationship with your child and by entering into any kind of relationship with a man that ends up toxic, whether he meets your child or not, will have an effect on them because it has an effect on you.

I don’t mean to be unkind but why even toy with the idea of inviting all this unnecessary drama into your life? And I believe you know he will bring drama. This tells me you’re not in the right headspace for a relationship.

@olivietolivie - thank you so much for coming back to update. I completely understand why you felt apprehensive.

I think the thing is that so many of us are just sick of men’s shit. Of course we know NAMALT, but so many are in so many different ways. We’re sick of being vulnerable and we’re sick of being oppressed. We are protective of each other and in many of us, there’s a barely suppressed fury at the violence and emotional trauma that so many women experience at the hands of men.

That often comes out on threads like this where objectively we can see the red flags and we worry for the woman’s safety - that means you.

It may feel unintentionally pressurised but you have a community of women here who just want to make sure you’re safe ❤️

As a PP wisely said, abuse isn’t always straightforward. If it was, it would never suck so many of us in initially. It’s slow and insidious, and even when things get bad there can still be happy moments. That is what makes it so confusing - we often expect it to be 100% terrible but that’s rarely the case.

Dont feel bad about what happened on your date. As it turns out, no harm done. Do you think it has given you any clarity?

The situation with him “stopping” you leaving sounds awful tbh, even if it was supposed to be playful. That’s just not something you do at the start of a relationship- it would make pretty much every woman feel vulnerable and uncomfortable.

What do you think you’d like to do now?

People aren’t here to judge you so please don’t feel as if you can’t speak honestly 💐

PLEASE
do not feel judged. The worst thing you can do is start to hide the truth from people. I did that because I felt judgment and pressure all around me. You then have nobody to give you support and to listen, you start making excuses, you normalise, you blame yourself. And because you daren't tell people because of their judgement/ pressure/ anger, you get more isolated, and it gets worse

Imagine how I felt, having gone through a 23 year abusive marriage, finally having him arrested, getting away..... to do it all again. I was ashamed, and became secretive.

The police told me something that comforted as I sat asking what's wrong with me, why do I do this. They said these men find US, they recognise the vulnerability.

My life's work now is to build my self belief, self respect, ability to be alone, and strong boundaries; so I never do it again

This is difficult stuff, OP, and I feel for you. It's a process towards gaining clarity. Sorry if it feels like a pile-on - I think some of us are shouting a warning to our younger selves (I am anyway).

If he uses his strength playfully but uninvited, one day it won't be playful. I know it's confusing because it was enjoyable in some ways, but who got what they wanted and intended at the start of the evening? Can you see the power dynamic?

“Just a playful use of his strength that meant I couldn't leave when I wanted to.”

This makes me feel so uneasy. He’s already testing your boundaries and you are doing things you did not intend to do. He’s showing you what he is capable of.

Please reconsider being involved with this guy he has red flags all over the place.

I used to date someone who also told me a story like this. OP, does his name begin with S?

OP, no judgement here. Please feel you can talk about this.

I think for me, the main thing here is he claims false allegations of abuse against him, and how they have affected him, but then he “playfully” stops you from leaving, which skirts very close to the sort of behaviour his ex claimed he displayed before. I’m sure your body language conveyed you were uncomfortable with that and he still ignored it. I can’t reconcile the truth of him being the victim of false allegations with his behaviour to you.

Also, your boundaries were pushed to where you ended up sleeping with him despite feeling it was too soon. If you had said no when he asked if you were ok, how confident are you that he would have stopped?

I feel the trust has gone here, and without that it’s very difficult to continue with someone.

I get the impression OP that you’ve come to the decision not to see him again?

'Just a playful use of his strength that meant I couldn't leave when I wanted to.'

I'm a bloke and I think that is well creepy, wishing you all the best, please take care.

Gosh - bless you feeling this way about posting. Please don't - I and 99.9% of people aren't judging at all - I've been there, and see most here have too, so just sharing. It is mainly sharing experiences and not instructions. I do imagine it feels quite instructive and judgy with loads of us saying 'leave him', but it's not intended - it's to support you find your way but also learn about others' experiences - knowledge is good.
You can't not know the CL request and outcome now, and yes it will colour your actions/responses. However, Remember why you made the request - that feeling of need to do so was there prior to now, so you may still have felt uncomfortable. Also the actual actions may have made you uncomfortable without any of that- even if it was 100% playful from a 100% apparently decent guy there is nearly always the thought for many women that actually the guy is stronger and could use force which is unnerving. Nice guys realise or learn that early on and just don't really do it, and not push it for 20 minutes though.
He's still happy and on good behaviour, so he's accepted your choice when you were very firm, but it really shouldn't have got that far, and if you were more entangled as a couple I'm not sure he would have accepted it - more likely you wouldn't have made that choice as 'it's just not worth it'.
You are worth it though and I agree it would be good if you could work on your self esteem.
It is rubbish thinking in circles about everything- it would be good to let that go too, if possible. Be kind to yourself - you definitely deserve that.

Oh OP. Nobody wants to pile on, but for everyone that’s given you advice this is like watching a horror film 😦 no man is worth wading through all of these red flags for. They’re not worth your child. Seek therapy that focused on abuse and toxic relationships ASAP. On Better Help you can select things you want to work on and they match you.

I think you are under the illusion that no abuse is happening. In fact, from the outside looking in, you’ve just stepped onto a really long escalator with only one destination. The longer you stay on it the harder you’ll have to work to go against the flow of the situation and make yourself safe. Make no mistake OP, the cycle of abuse is already in process.

I hope to god you used protection...

I have never experienced abuse from a man but from the outside looking in, it seems clear that you have doubts anyway, you're not happy with what happened when you last met him as you describe things that made you uncomfortable and it's only been a few months. Just say you don't think this will work out and move on. Don't cling on because it's been hard to meet someone 'nice'.

Hi Op The message is clear that this guy needs to be dropped especially after the playful not letting go for 20 minutes.
This could have quite easily escalated if he had been in drink.
As many people have said there are too many red flags and as ever cloud has a silver lining at least if you choose to have another friend you know the procedure if you suspect any DV.
You can and your family can do better.
Good luck

There’s 15 pages of support telling you the exact same thing and you KNOW this is wrong to continue but I feel you will keep going along with it anyway.
I honestly don’t know what anyone can say at this point.

Give her a chance, OurDreamLife. There isn't a shortcut to knowing. OP has been willing to ask the painful questions. I think she is being brave.