Clare's law request

[olivietolivie]

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

You've only known the guy for three months, OP. Three months. That's no time. He will still be on his best behaviour with you: at this stage of most relationships they always are.

Filming someone without their consent has flashing red lights and warning klaxons all over it. But you know that. I'll hand it to him, he's clever. He's made certain to make his version of events known to you preemptively so as to keep control of the narrative.

You're hardly going to have invested much in this relationship in the short interim between October and now; more to the point, it's likely that neither has he. And this is a pertinent fact when any woman attempts to extract herself from a man she knows to have a history of such questionable treatment of women. Weighing up the benefits as opposed to the risks of this one is a no-brainer.

If you are wilfully determined to be blind then nothing anyone can say here will stop you, but remember it's not just a case of 'on your head be it'.

This is your child's, too. Choose wisely, OP.

Nah, sorry, you wouldn't see me for dust!

As my Dad always used to say... "if in doubt-don't "

They called you in for a reason, someone had a gut feeling.

For context, Urfan Sharif was not convicted of strangling x 3 ex partners and burning a baby. He was accused though. And look what he was capable in the end. With their being a ‘list’, it’s likely more than one person has made accusations about him which tells you all you need to know

Have you dumped him yet @olivietolivie

Words fail me op. You would have this man around you and potentially/eventually your child? You still have to consider whether you are going to finish it? Are your standards really that low?

You’re nuts OP

put your child first.

You might end up being a boiled frog.

Danger doesn't have to be imminent. It may take months for his true self to emerge.

You are clearly finding it hard to end the relationship. So how much harder will it be in a year or two?

A couple of extra concerning allegations - filming her friends and accessing her account on a computer and deleting documents. I don't feel under threat of imminent danger or harm or anything so I don't think I need to make any rash decisions
Surely this isnt what you were looking for in a new relationship? And deciding not to continuing seeing a man like this again is really not a rash decision.

If I decide to continue seeing him it has strengthened my resolve to leave it a very long before introducing him to my child.
Why would you think it would ever be a good idea to introduce your child to this man?

The police are rubbish at following up with DA. I worked as a duty social worker for 7 years and the amount of referrals I’ve had of women in domestic abuse relationships needing referrals to women’s aid, or help with fleeing, or police reporting DA to us as they were closing their case and the victim might need support (SS can only support if the person has care needs). I barely ever heard of convictions.

The allegations are going to be true, it’s early days so of course at the minute he seems great, abusers notoriously will only show their true colours once they know you’re unlikely to leave. You have a child, You are putting them at risk and going in with your eyes wide open. If he turns abusive and SS get involved they will know you had a disclosure but got involved anyway. And he might escalate with you, he’s gotten away with it before after all

What everyone else said with an extra caution, don’t let him near your phone or other devices. Don’t leave Mumsnet logged on.

And given the balance of probability is more likely that he did do these things, than didn’t, when it unfortunately probably does happen to you then please make sure you do report it to the police. The next person to do Clare’s Law disclosure request will see that two women have raised these issues and will believe them more easily.

Please don’t stay with him though. It’s so obvious from the outside. Why be with someone that has a record like this, than one that just doesn’t?

Hey OP,
Well done for going to meet with the police, sounds exhausting and stressful and raised more questions than answered. There’s a lot of pressure on this thread but it’s just because right now it’s like you represent a crossroads point and all the women who’ve been there …or didn’t even see the signpost and walked obliviously to their doom. Leaving is a process not an event- that’s Robin Norwood ‘Womenwho love too much’ . Without learning what codependency really is from that book, my life was doomed too. I’ve a wonderful partner now after 10 AWFUL relationships. I was a total man addict - it’s like I am drawn to suffering. Norwoods 2nd book was all the letters women wrote to share their love addict stories- read these and you may find as many answers as I did!! Sending hugs xx

There's a lot of pressure on this thread. I am often slow to fully digest things and often need to read things a few times (over a few days) before I can come to a decision.

Unrelated - absolutely fascinating learning about abusers - why on earth do they do what they do?! Bide their time for months being nice and then be horrid - for what gain?

Sorry, I also meant to add how very grateful I am for everybody who has taken the time to post their experiences and advices on this thread.

Before I made the CL request I did a search on Mumsnet so it's comforting to know that all of these posts are now here for the next person to find too.

@olivietolivie - if you do nothing else, then for your own sake please read up on the internet about the patterns typically followed by abusers. There is a very well-established cycle of love-bombing followed by 'negging'. Another common feature is that it starts off slowly. And it always escalates.

Those of us who have encountered these patterns before can spot them a mile away. The good news is that once you recognise the tactics you will never be taken in in the same way again. The bad news is that it costs too many people a great deal of time, pain and fear before they ever reach that stage.

Don't let that be you. At the very least, Google cycles/stages of abuse. Knowledge is power.

Power, control, narcissism usually

When you ask why abusers behave this way, I’d agree it is interesting! but this is a way I find it useful to think about : M.Scott.Peck says, roughly speaking, people can be split into 2 groups: those who blame others (personality disordered) & those who blame themselves (neurotic). Those who blame others might need to discharge discomfort (rage) & then justify or go into denial/ amnesia etc. if you’re a nice normalish person with a healthy amount of neurosis then your brain is just sooo different, it’s probably not impossible to understand the abusers from a scientific standpoint but we need to protect ourselves from them and try to understand ourselves - which is icky but probably worthwhile xx

There is a theory that people can only pretend for three months and then the real side comes out which I think is fairly accurate. They treat you good so that when they show you who they really are you’re already hooked on who they pretended to be in the beginning. No idiot would look at them twice if they were awful from the start.

The abuser won't show his/her true colours right away. They want to reel someone in - often being absolutely charming, doing a load of love bombing etc. They'll make you feel like a million dollars, they'll treat you like a queen. You end up thinking that you've finally found the Perfect Man. And it is perfect....until it's not. He'll probably mention tough times he's had with exes, and how badly they treated him. You feel sympathy towards this wonderful guy. You won't be the person to cause him so much strife. Everyone loves and respects him. You're reeled in, hook, line and sinker.

A few months in (it was about 6 months for me) and they then start with the small stuff. Small shit that makes you question whether it actually was bad or not. Oh and the odd bit of explosive behaviour...that swings back to gaslighting and blaming the victim. You end up giving the Abuser the benefit of the doubt. Abuser switches back to Perfect Guy (or Lady). You wonder if you're imagining things. They may try to isolate you from friends or family, stop you from doing your hobbies or studies or things that you love doing. They won't outright say it, but they'll chip at it...and you want to do all you can for this perfect guy and he seems so reasonable in his thoughts and requests. The shit escalates. The gaslighting starts. The reeling back continues. Before the victim know it, they're like a frog in pan of boiling water. They're a shell of themselves and they're utterly beaten down.

Why do they do it? Probably some fucked up power trip. They're out to destroy a person. To the whole world, they'll be a perfect wonderful guy, salt of the earth etc. They end up turning into their victim's worse nightmare.

I can say that my ex (from many years ago) didn't beat me up physically. He raised a fist to me, and he would punch the wall next to my face...but his MO was psychological and emotional abuse/coercive control. I was with him three years. I should have left at that 6 months point. He destroyed me, he wrecked my friendships, I stopped a uni course because of him (picked it back up afterwards, but had completely lost my confidence), halted my career progression at the time. By the time I'd left, I was overweight (emotional eating), and I had developed a stammer. There will be no convictions on my ex's record. I didn't go to the police at the time, and neither did his ex from before me (FWIW, I know we're both still labelled as "crazy exes"). Had this happened now, he'd possibly get done for coercive control.

In your position, I'd leave. But that's down to you. Stay safe, and I wish you all the very best of luck x

OP I think I share your confusion. Compared to the horrifying stories up thread which you had in your head going in, it sounds like the disclosure was anticlimactic and more confusing than anything.

But on second thoughts, I have to agree with recent posters: filming without consent is very serious, and so is deleting someone's files - who does that??? I have files in my computer in which years of work are sedimented; you can do a lot of damage to someone by messing with their hard drives.

So ultimately, sad though it is, the advice hasn't changed. Sorry you're facing this.

I can’t help but think the documents he deleted was the proof of whatever he was doing to her and the filming her friends was likely to be him stalking to see if she was with them.

OP - if it's any help, I think I'm a reasonably sensible and intelligent person.

My marriage was ridiculously abusive, ending in a refuge and divorce. I did all the research, read the right books. It took 8 years (!) for my divorce to be finalised as he was such a plank. Honestly, I thought I knew everything about abuse after that little lot.

Many years later, in 2024, I got into two short abusive relationships in a row!

I can tell you - you cannot see it coming. Even when you're cautious and looking for it. All you can do is get out when it starts going wrong.

And the relationships never go "obviously" wrong. (Or at least, not for months or years). There are highs and lows but I can tell because I often feel incredibly confused and as though I can't control my thoughts about my partner. I feel all over the place and unsettled. It is only a few weeks after I break up with them that I feel calm again and know I've done the right thing.

I would think very carefully over the next few days. Maybe talk it through with a friend or even with Women's Aid. You are in the middle of it and there might be something you have missed.

@SchrodingersTwat2 i agree, here I am recommending books, but even though I should’ve seen the last guy coming- after reading up and plenty of therapy- I missed the red flags because (after the event I realised) he was Jekyll and Hyde. He was such a kind, reasonable, logical person… it must be me/ the pressure he’s under x

I had did a clare's law against an ex partner a few years back, nievely I thought the police were calling me in to tell me there was nothing to disclose. But the reality became painfully obvious. While with the police they had disclosed almost a decade worth of incidents involving him and ex partners and even female family members to do with dv and violence.

I know it's hard and likely terrifying to come to terms with, especially if you're bonded, but the liklihood of them calling you in, isn't going to be for nothing? I do hope you can process whatever you may be told or what comes of it. And ultimately are able to keep yourself safe 🖤

I suppose when it comes down to it, why would you take the risk?