Clare's law request

[olivietolivie]

Has anybody ever done a Clare's law request, been invited to a police station for disclosure and it not be a deal breaker? I've got an appointment next week and it just feels strange continuing to be 'normal' around the guy when I imagine it's all going to end next week. Or is it? Would appreciate some views as I feel a bit muddled.

I think you need to ask yourself the question of how would you ever forgive yourself if this man every became controlling or threatening or abusive and that impacted your child. Is this man so truly incredible in every other way that you want to risk your safety, your child's safety? I'm sorry if this is harsh, but there are literally millions of men out there who don't have this hanging around them, you havnt just got yourself to think about, you have a child, so you just don't have the option to take this kind of risk.

I’d hope the first whiff of Police involvement should make you run for the hills @olivietolivie, especially if you have a child to protect. It’s just not worth risking it - I’ve been on the receiving end of abuse - wish I’d had a warning.

Genuine question: why does the risk of getting into a relationship with an abusive man feel worth it?

This would be my thoughts as well.

A single mum can be an easy target for abusive men. They may be flattered to have some attention after being a lone parent for a long time.

she also said there was a possibility this was just the way those two individuals had escalated things in their relationship

Any time anything escalated in my previous relationships it was because the man was abusive.

Like many PP have said, don't take the chance OP. At best, he'll make your life a misery, at worst, well...

Such a disappointing update. You have been so rational and reasoned OP to this point - how could you possibly be in any doubt now that this guy is not good news and not somebody that you want around you or your child. How could you take that chance?

This is all very sad. I really hope you don't stay with this man for your child's sake.

As someone else mentioned, SS will now be alerted to your relationship.

There are men out there with zero history of abuse, why would you consider taking this risk?

Personally I'd rather stay single.

I literally can’t believe you’re still going to continue to see him. Very unwise for you and your child. His behaviour will likely escalate. Nice men don’t go around accessing computers and filming women. That’s surely enough for you to act?

Too early days to be hedging your bets that you've found a great man who was a victim of fake allegations. Not worth the risk and not like you have history/ children to consider in your decision. I implore you to walk away and consider how much you don't know. I know the police would have told you that just because there's not more, it doesn't mean they haven't been abusive in addition to what was disclosed.

Op please listen to what everyone is telling you. I promise you that you will think back to this day & wish you had taken a different path if you continue seeing this man.
Now is the time to end it. A lot of people are on best behaviour in the early days, his mask will slip & it will be very difficult to get away from him. I’ve been there, trust me!

They thought it worth telling you non public records to help protect you. Clare's Law was campaigned for because of the death of a woman who didn't, and couldn't, know about her partner's past.
Obviously your guy hasn't been convicted or even charged I think, but it wasn't just fights of 6 of one and half a dozen of the other or as he told you his ex lying, but also stalker behaviour which, for the police, is recorded and disclosed, as it builds up a picture, and not a great one.
Whoever looked through and decided to disclose may have to inform social that a man with a worrying history is potentially around a child. Or maybe not but then if anything at all happens this will come out and social don't really look at right/wrong but a potential 'risk' that someone chose to take - because even if he is a king amongst men and you absolutely know he's truthful you can't ever know that totally for definite, and therefore in social's book you're choosing to ignore a flagged risk. They probably haven't got time to follow up right now, or might just accept he doesn't see your child, and you'll think all is fine, but is he worth even just your details on social records?
It is awful if someone's life is impacted by false allegations but it's really not worth the risk - it's not so long ago and you've no reference/knowledge of those times he had a good relationship for balance, knowledge from anywhere he couldn't possibly be a bad guy.
Neither police, or social, ever would tell you to dump him - it's always upto you as an adult - sometimes there are consequences to the choice but it's never dictated.
Good luck anyway.

it could be because there wasn't enough evidence.

Accessing her account and deleting documents.

Documents that would have served as evidence, presumably.

I have to agree, OP, it doesn't make sense to pursue a relationship with someone who's got a police marker on his name. Do you have a bit of a saviour complex, perhaps? Could this have been a factor in your previous relationship?

@olivietolivie

Your decision of course. But remember that you'll never meet Mr Right if you're tangled up with Mr Wrong.

Why waste time on someone who 'may be safe', when you can end it and continue your search for someone who doesn't have a 'history' of any kind?

Oh man, I can already tell you’re going to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. 💔

I’d say the woman not wanting to pursue is most likely why it was NFA.

This wasn’t ‘heat of the moment’ stuff, he actively filmed her friends and accessed private things online, on top of other things. That is calculated and frankly, really fucking odd.

Most men don’t have things on file against them saying they stalked/harrassed/abused a woman, even if it didn’t proceed further down the route of conviction. Why would you want to expose yourself and your precious child to one that does?!

I’m baffled and frankly, concerned for you @olivietolivie.

I think OP has accidentally or deliberately misconstrued the police advice of 'it's up to you'
The very premise of Clare's law is it is only disclosed to an applicant to protect them from criminal activity. It is quite a significant intrusion of the personal data of a person, therefore a disclosure is not made lightly.

Although the police did not tell me I HAD to leave, they made it very clear that they thought I should.

I left

OP, the Clare's Law process is that an officer has to decide whether or not there is a requirement to give it. One allegation in some instances - eg if the police had reason to believe it might have been malicious - might lead the officer to decide a Clare's Law report is not necessary. They have to weigh up the right to privacy against the possible risk to your safety.
The fact that they decided to give you the report means they have given some weight to the allegations and the risk to you.
Therefore I'd take it very seriously.
The comments by the person who delivered the report sound as if that person had no experience and inadequate training in DV. Very unprofessional indeed for them to have commented on and minimised the facts as you say they did. Or maybe you heard what you wanted to hear.
The fact there is no conviction is meaningless. The charge rate for DV is extremely low as is the conviction rate because the criminal justice system is stretched and the cps will only take forward cases that have a very good prospect of success.
I am a victim of a serial perpetrator who has never had a DV conviction but multiple complaints and is described by the police to his victims as "very dangerous". Nobody knows how he has never faced justice. It's a combination of inadequate policing and an overstretched cps. My local force has one of the worst records in the uk for DV.
Good luck to you.

Don't forget OP - normal people don't have any sort of criminal record, caution or involvement with the police at all.

I'd choose one of those people instead.

There may not have been enough evidence but his ex obviously hoped there was or why did she report him? Don't be the one who tries to be a cool, better gf..... With a dc it just isn't worth the risk...

I could kind of tell by OPs posts previously that she would minimise it sadly.

It was obvious that if it was something "not so bad", meaning not physical, that she would minimise it, rationalise it, and stay.

And absolutely spot on what PPs have said. Police can't actually tell you to leave. They can't tell adults how to live their life.

Even repeat victims of the most horrific DV are free to live their lives as they want. Sometimes police can't protect people. If there is insufficient evidence to send someone to prison, you can put a DVPO in place and try and protect the victim, but if they want to go back to their abuser you literally can't stop them. It's absolutely crap.

Like PP said as well, Clare's law is a breach of someone's personal data and are looked at very seriously before disclosure is made. If there was any indication these were false or vindictive allegations you wouldn't have a disclosure.

Sad for OP and her child tbh.

OP, reading between the lines here... Based on there being no conviction etc, I'd assume the police can't realistically tell you anything definitive. But the fact they called you in for a meeting would indicate them warning you off this man.

Honestly, is it worth it? Do you want to be with a man (and for your child to be near a man) where there is any molecule of doubt over whether they might be abusive?

On the topic of Clare's Law, I read an article recently where Clare Woods daughter said her mother lived on through Clare's Law, like an angel protecting women. It really touched my heart that someone so young could see the positive in such a tragic loss.

Even if OP does listen to advice on this thread. Maybe someone else will read someday and it could save them.

And there you go. Sounds like you’ll do what all those other women do and ignore the advice.

He got in there first and told you so well done him. He’s got you thinking what he wants you to think and even though the police have warned you, you are already making excuses.

Filming covertly and deleting documents off someone else’s computer is NOT normal behaviour. Having a police record is a massive red flag and you are putting yourself in danger. Like all the other women who think it will be different with them / they’ve got it under control.

Dig deep and find your self respect OP
If you can’t leave him for yourself, leave him for your child.
You owe her.
Don’t minimise this.