"The Rules" - yay or nay at 40 yrs old

[To4rb]

I was wondering if anyone has had any luck with The Rules, for dating? I am 40, been single 5 years. Dipped my toe in the water with OLD and ended up getting completely over-invested in a man who lived quite far away and was breadcrumming me horribly. Made a bit of a tit out of myself because I liked him so much; sending him messages daily (he'd 'heart' them mostly but sometimes replied) even though we were never in a relationship. Would get over the moon if he messaged me rather than the other way round but he messaged less and less and I just kind of jacked it in after about 9 months. Someone recommended The Rules and I've read it and kind of like the idea of actual rules to follow (am ND) and also seen good things about it on here. But wondering has anyone actually found a long-term partner from following it? I have the updated version however even that is very outdated now; all the new bits are about Facebook and MSN Messenger! Not sure exactly how it would translate to Bumble/ Tinder / Hinge etc. Thanks x

What and where are these rules?

Why use the apps? Please don't bother with them; they are mostly filled with men looking to be chased or seeking validation. Why not dress up, take yourself on a date, and allow a man to approach you in the flesh?

You're right. The apps are full of time-wasting dickheads.

I would agree with trying to meet men in person but do people really get dressed up and go to bars alone hoping to be picked up?

I just can’t imagine a decent bloke picking up women like that! I mean say he does come over and chats to you what do you say ‘oh yes I’m just out for a drink on my own hoping to meet mr right?’

it’s all bit bad 90s rom com isn’t it?

I followed them 25 years ago, DH proposed after 3 months and we were married 3 months later. It’s been a very happy marriage to date. I honestly think they work. Name changed for this. I also think keeping the phrase ‘I am busy, happy and pretty’ is worth keeping in your mind. Never chase a man.

@scaredbaby2 its a book (dating advice) by Ellen Fein. I had to google as I haven’t read it in decades! I remember my copy had a white cover.

I read The Rules back in the day and what I took from it was to set my standards high, not to waste time on men who didn’t meet my standards, not write off men who liked me in favour of pursuing disinterested men, and not to get emotionally invested too fast.

Some of the rules were culturally contingent, and didn’t cross the Atlantic well.

Some I outright disagreed with. But they made me think about the issues and make decisions for myself which was a good thing.

Is it 90s? It's how I met my husband. I dressed up, took myself out for lunch, grabbed a glass of wine and then he approached me. Decent men are hard to find, but I would prefer to meet face-to-face rather than swiping for hours, hoping to match with someone.

Being approached won't happen if you aren't pretty. I am very plain and have resting bitch face (even when I smile). No man has EVER approached me. Ever. Unless it was to ask for my friend's number...

I'm not bitter. Not at all...

It never does well to chase after a man. Putting them on a pedestal and worshiping them doesn’t usually end well either. They type of man who likes to be treated like this, is usually a dickhead.

I think following The Rules might help to set boundaries and higher standards. You deserve someone who wants to spend time with you, not someone who ignores you half of the time.

Never heard of these rules. I'm 40 too.

Looks like there is a newer one, for dating in the 'digital generation' ...however, I still don't think this one is that new.

It mentions BBM (blackberry messenger) pretty sure no one has used that since about 2010. BlackBerrys have been defunct for a long time

What a refreshing post.
(And very true).

Because they don't.

The main problem with the apps is they've made it easy for men to get sex without actually making an effort to meet women. They are also literally designed to keep people single and make them constant years. They are social poison.

@LostittoBostik - I have heard people say they are deliberately designed to keep people single, but how does that work in practice?

If two people meet and like each other&become another item , the app can't stop that from happening!

Same. Resting bitch face here too; I genuinely can't help looking like I'm scowling.

I've never been approached unless it's in a gaggle of other women and a group of men come over. I just cannot envisage going out by myself, or in a group, and expecting a man to come over and give me his number or whatever. It has never happened. (Generally find people don't make small talk with me much either and it's not for want of me being polite; I like it if people come up and talk to me! Though I would not instigate small talk as am quite shy. And anyway that would be going against The Rules

Also I don't know anyone who's met their OH in a bar, aside from a couple who used to frequent the only rock / metal pub where I live. Which has now closed 😑

This is a very good point! I had never heard of breadcrumming till I started lurking on this board but being able to have the vocabulary for this kind of behaviour is so helpful. I wish I'd heard of the term before; would've saved me a lot of heartache from my teens onwards!!

That's so cool!
I do think that there is a risk if you go out that there might not be any single men out that night. Or any single men who are attracted to me. And the idea of going out, over and over, just to potentially attract someone makes me feel quite depressed. I think if I was younger and beautiful it might work, I remember my attractive friend always making friends with randoms on nights out and it was quite fun. But that was 20 years ago!

I miss my blackberry 🙁

Following with interest, I've also never been approached and regularly take myself out on "dates", have a good and enjoyable life but nothing.

They don't? I often see men approaching women in cafes, quiet bars, libraries and galleries if she's alone. It works wonders for the guys on the shy spectrum or those averse to swiping and priming left to right.

Online dating has killed the art of communication and spontaneity. These apps cultivate many feminine men who want women to do all of the chasing. It's diabolical!