"The Rules" - yay or nay at 40 yrs old

[To4rb]

I was wondering if anyone has had any luck with The Rules, for dating? I am 40, been single 5 years. Dipped my toe in the water with OLD and ended up getting completely over-invested in a man who lived quite far away and was breadcrumming me horribly. Made a bit of a tit out of myself because I liked him so much; sending him messages daily (he'd 'heart' them mostly but sometimes replied) even though we were never in a relationship. Would get over the moon if he messaged me rather than the other way round but he messaged less and less and I just kind of jacked it in after about 9 months. Someone recommended The Rules and I've read it and kind of like the idea of actual rules to follow (am ND) and also seen good things about it on here. But wondering has anyone actually found a long-term partner from following it? I have the updated version however even that is very outdated now; all the new bits are about Facebook and MSN Messenger! Not sure exactly how it would translate to Bumble/ Tinder / Hinge etc. Thanks x

The thing I liked about The Rules was that it put a lot of emphasis on you making it clear from the start that you have a busy happy life OUTside dating, so that the man wouldn't get the idea of you as a clingy vine sitting around waiting to be rescued. He's got to somewhat sell himself as someone who would embellish your life, rather than BE your life.

Absolutely!

As soon as a man believes you are clingy, hanging on to his every word, and accepting his menial breadcrumbs, he'll think you're delusional and will not respect you. Men need to be selling themselves and providing. I have always had this mindset since I was young.

Just a thought, how about a makeover and maybe botox for the resting bitch face? (Sometimes the 11s add to the angry look). Shake things up with your appearance, lose weight if needed etc

I have mentioned my love of gigs, yes.

I have been a bit scared to put my ND status on my profile Incase I get random abuse. But I might add it, as making on dates is tedious, and you have to come out as ND when you're chatting.

I met a lovely chap who'd have been a great gig buddy as we had very similar taste in music but he was very clear at the start that he did not want to make friends through OLD (fair play to him for being up-front about this though). There was no spark at all sadly so couldn't go through with trying to make it work as it felt wrong.

That is good to hear though, that your BF has made friends

His reaction would put me off, especially "never had anyone complain..."- v much putting you in your place as one of many. As pp said, how hard would it be to say "I don't check Bumble much so thought it made sense to switch to Whatsapp" or something? PP was generous and put it down to lack of social skills. I wouldn't be so generous and would see it as being thin-skinned and easily provoked, would would make it a no from me.

@LaBrasseria2024 he is treating his matches like a conveyor belt quick to sort them out into categories. Someone ocd or keen not to overlap maybe because he has manu stories or links going on doesnt want his wires crossed? Maybe because if he unmatches first if you later want to report any bad behaviour the time log at the dating app shows he disconnected first? Maybe just so he doesnt get his account banned? I have never used apps so I dont know. I wouldn't meet him.

Sorry haven't read all the replies but thought I'd post my recent experience.
For background;
I'm a divorced mother of 2 adult children. Been single since I was 7 mths pregnant on my second child who is now 22. In that time I've had a couple of dates with 2 different guys. One was a guy I'd known years before & another I met through work. My heart wasn't in it however & ultimately I was happier single so I haven't been bothered.

Back in May of last year I met an old neighbour by chance. She told me taken up lake swimming every morning. Was raving about it etc.
I got thinking about it at home. I'm an early riser, usually up at 6am but start work (from home) at 8am so I had time & I need some exercise. However freezing cold water doesn't interest me 😂 so I joined my local leisure centre to use the pool. Now I can't really swim so I thought I'd walk up & down instead.
So I joined 5th June. I'm in the pool by 6:15am and stay for an hour every morning. Turns out there's a few others that do the same. I got talking to them as we walked. Most of them are retired men. But one man is only 4 years older than me. We chatted the most. Before Christmas he told me he had a present for me & he gave me a box of my fave chocs (he said I'd mentioned I liked them & he saw them in Tesco & thought of me ☺️). We exchanged numbers & over Christmas met up twice for coffee.
At the moment he is a friend & I enjoy his company. We text every evening & if I've missed the pool he'll text to say hi & phones for a quick chat before work.

I apologise for the length of the post but my point is, it's all been very easy & natural. I wasn't joining the pool expecting to meet anyone. I was doing it for myself. It's been a happy extra. It may come to nothing or it might be something but either way I've made a new friend.

I think my main advice would be to make sure you are happy in your own company first & doing things that interest you and once you're happy then that will attract people to you. Be they friends or more.

!!!!

Thank you very much for this 😊😊😊

I have switched on the apps when I've been to London and most of the profiles were off-putting because they were incredibly sleazy and showing off their car or whatever. When I have got chatting to any London matched I found them to be quite pushy and superficial. I thought I would match loads in the big smoke!

I've found speaking for ages is quite an easy trap to fall into, I have done this loads of times. I get tired easily, have DC to look after, and am tired after work.
I have gone on dates on a weekday, but especially now, in this weather, I just want to hunker down to sleep by about 8pm

The apps can work well, if you use them with boundaries for yourself. They are literally an introduction, so use the initial messaging just to meet for coffee. Meet loads of people - photos don't always show a person's attractiveness the way meeting them in the flesh does.

Message first if you want, arrange the coffee date too if they don't take that initiative - and then let them do the running. If they cancel the coffee date, or don't agree to one very quickly, bin them off - you don't want a pen pal.

Never let the coffee date last longer than an hour or so, however well you get on. You are a busy woman and your time is valuable. It's just a vetting to see if you want to date him, and if he is who he says he is.

You can also lay your ground rules there - 'I don't message much until I'm in a relationship, because I want to get to know you, not your virtual persona' or 'I'm on the app to date, not to spend time messaging'. Make it crystal clear that if they want to get to know you, they need to date you. By letting them take the lead from there, you get rid of those who aren't keen on you.

If you have many irons in the fire, you don't get caught up in the fantasy relationships, and by meeting early you get rid of people who are already taken or catfishing.

I saw a thread on here that suggested looking for age 50-60 as opposed to 30-40 as there's a better quality of men on them at this age.

@goosemoose2 I also do this

I wish I had had this mindset when I was young. Never got any dating advice from my mum, sisters, aunties etc. and it is SO important to teach young women to have healthy boundaries when they are first setting out into the world of relationships. K feel really sad, thinking of 20-year old me being breadcrummed and treated like crap. So much wasted time and energy.

Definitely will be teaching my own DD this.

It's got to the age of 40+ to realise what breadcrumming actually is (as I said up-thread, having this vocab is so important) and how it's not good enough to accept a man's breadcrumbs! I honestly cringe at my last situationship. I must have looked so desperate 😭 😩 😳

@Leafy74 i recently got chatting to a 70 year old man who was very fit and active and sadly also recently widowed on the train home. I think widen your age range.

I think being ND has contributed to not clocking being breadcrumbed so don't blame yourself there 💜

This all sounds really lovely!!
I do think meeting someone 'in the real world' would be better, maybe I should put myself out there mode. I think I am a bit impatient but actually a slow-burn, normal meeting of someone would be better. I hope that it all goes well for you xx

Thanks This is really helpful advice. So hard to avoid 'drift' but i think meeting early on is definitely very important x

I think one of the downfalls of OLD / apps is that men very much do put women into categories. I had one guy talk about visiting me in Manchester when I don't live there! He clearly had a few irons in his fire!!!! And also they move to WhatsApp so they can send photos, which they can't do on Tinder

This sounds lovely! I'm all for a man who's not averse to a phone call.
Incessant texting bores me stiff.

Thanks xxx
I'm an absolutely shocking judge of character!! Took me a really long time to realise what a pig that guy was!!

@To4rb @Dweetfidilove thanks ladies. I don't want to take over the thread just wanted to give an example.
It's been lovely so far. Very slow & steady & easy.

Look up the burnt haystack method. It will really help if you're using OLD. There is a Facebook group which is good too.

Ugh, yeah. I have seen the filth my friends deal with in London. What makes it worse? They're all cheap

@PromiseNotToCall - I was considering a move to London as I thought dating would be easier and I want to settle down!!

I have a lot of matches from there from times I have been over, but haven't spoken to much

Have your friends experiences been bad?