"The Rules" - yay or nay at 40 yrs old

[To4rb]

I was wondering if anyone has had any luck with The Rules, for dating? I am 40, been single 5 years. Dipped my toe in the water with OLD and ended up getting completely over-invested in a man who lived quite far away and was breadcrumming me horribly. Made a bit of a tit out of myself because I liked him so much; sending him messages daily (he'd 'heart' them mostly but sometimes replied) even though we were never in a relationship. Would get over the moon if he messaged me rather than the other way round but he messaged less and less and I just kind of jacked it in after about 9 months. Someone recommended The Rules and I've read it and kind of like the idea of actual rules to follow (am ND) and also seen good things about it on here. But wondering has anyone actually found a long-term partner from following it? I have the updated version however even that is very outdated now; all the new bits are about Facebook and MSN Messenger! Not sure exactly how it would translate to Bumble/ Tinder / Hinge etc. Thanks x

The type of man who is confident enough to approach a woman sitting alone somewhere isn't attracted to women who are inclined to sit alone somewhere.

Genuinely not sure how else to meet someone else who is (a) single and (b) looking for a partner.
Every couple I know who's got together within the last approx 10 years met on one or other of the apps. (Aside from 1 friend who is a doctor and started seeing another doctor from work and they are now engaged! But doctors often seem to end up with other doctors in my experience.)

I think age / stage of life comes into it; a lot of couples I know who've been together a long time met at uni or in house-shares, in their 20s. But I am not at uni, not in a house-share either. And I know some people who met at work but my area of work is 99% female so that's not gonna happen unfortunately. Also I have asked around and my friends don't have anyone to introduce me to. It really feels quite lonely to be honest 😕

Although I also completely agree that the apps are really toxic and seem to have emboldened some men to be really vile, inappropriate, pushy, etc. I also hate the passive-aggressive profiles "no drama, not looking for any baggage, if you're after [luxury brand etc.] then keep on scrolling" it is just so negative.

I did go to a singles event but it was so horribly awkward it kind of put me off. Lots of the men were much older than 35 - 45 (nothing wrong with that just it was specifically for that age group!) and they all knew each other from other singles events. It was like a little circuit.

I met the two men I’ve ever loved in bars. One was a dickhead and one I married!

Sorry, as you were!

I can't say I've seen this to be honest. Maybe it depends where you are in the country? I might start going out to the library / for a coffee to see what happens but I think at my age and with my resting bitch face nobody would approach me!

This is definitely advice from someone in a LTR who hasn't dated in middle age

A friend was very into "The Rules" which I thought were total rubbish, I remember all this analysis about when to contact the bloke again, she didn't want to seem too available, never kissed on.the first date etc.

Strangely I was talking to a male colleague about it recently and he thought the Rules were very contrived.

The only guys who approach me in bars are drunk cokes up married men

I think 'why men love bitches' is better than the rules op

Also violet bensons podcast almost adulting is good

Op if you're autistic do you have a specialist hobby? Maybe join an evening class for it?

Some are a bit hilarious:

1. Appearance Matters: The book suggests always looking your best, even casually, to keep a man interested. This includes advice like wearing lipstick while jogging, as noted in some critiques.
2. Don't Accept a Saturday Date After Wednesday: This rule aims to increase your perceived value by suggesting you have a busy social life, making Saturday nights premium time.

Others may be OK.

1. End Calls or Dates First: The advice includes ending conversations or dates before the man does, to leave him wanting more. This is part of maintaining the allure of being busy and in-demand.
2. Avoid Being Too Available: There's a strong emphasis on not being too available. This includes not accepting last-minute dates or rearranging your schedule for a man. The idea is to keep your life full and appear independent.
3. Three-Date Rule: "The Rules" supports the idea of not engaging in physical intimacy until at least the third date, to foster respect and maintain mystery.

Do you have any hobbies/interests which open the door to meeting someone? Plenty of event/meetup groups are available (if you are flexible to travel).

I am highly accustomed to dating in this climate - I just went against the 'norm' of swiping.

I have only ever met men at work or through friends. I am definitely not an expert but I’ve always met the best men when I am busy doing my own thing so I would say try out new hobbies, walking and cycling clubs are good or whatever you are interested in.
In terms of the rules I do think there is some truth to it, eg never change plans for a man, go about your own everyday business ie don’t go looking for him, are the only ones I remember 🤣

I often think of the rule to immediately dump a man who does not get you a thoughtful gift for your birthday or christmas when I see a lot of threads on here. Completely agree with that one!

For dating advice, I like the ask a matchmaker podcast. Its American so there are some cultural differences but she has some great ideas (see her 321 prep for first dates and 12 date intimacy rule). Give it a listen

Ha how can you have resting bitch face when you smile ?! I also have resting bitch face and am never approached by men. I don’t mind tho, the men who randomly approach women are usually the worst.

The kind of man who approaches me when I'm sitting quietly drinking coffee isn't the kind of man who respects women. A woman out in public doesn't exist for men to chat up and a decent man recognises that.

There are designated venues, like bars, for that kind of unsolicited social interaction. Outside of those venues, respect looks like leaving women alone.

@To4rb

Are there any tennis clubs in your area, OP?

I know a couple of women who met their husbands through the tennis club they were members of.

Other friends met their husbands at the churches they were going to.

Are there any organisations which are seeking volunteers in your area? All sorts of people help out at places like food banks and so on.

I met some really nice guys when I volunteered at a Legal Advice Centre and at Crisis.

LOL what a title!! Never heard of it but has very high reviews so might give it a try- am very much a people-pleaser by nature and need probably to be more assertive- thanks 😊 x

I think there are 2 questions here 1 whether the Rules are helpful and where you go to meet someone. I read the Rules years ago and I think they’re primarily a pile of crap. When you meet a good person you don’t need all that palaver it’s just easy and natural with no game playing. The only point that has stuck with me is “ don’t play hard to get be hard to get”. This means have your own life and have things going on rather than sitting there waiting for them to contact you.
Where you go to meet a man is a different issue. Dating apps are just a gateway and they’re not all the same so I’d probably try a couple of different ones if you’ve got the energy. Otherwise go to places that men go - a hobby group or a class - cycling, running, climbing, tennis, padel. I did a photography class that had men so it’s not all sporty subjects. Good luck with it all… I know it’s tricky nowadays.

@selffellatingouroborosofhate - aren't you and @Kevinandtheargonauts basically making the same point here?

(I guess it depends on whether Kevin& approves of that "type of man")...

The main thing is not to do anything that makes you look desperate, nor do anything that makes him think that you wouldn't leave him in a heartbeat if he transgressed your boundaries.

Some men are looking for a desperate woman who has low standards so that they can cheat, cocklodge, abuse, etc. You make it clear with deeds, no words, that you're not her and will happily become single again if he tries any shit.

The not changing your plans thing, not being too available, and not becoming physical too soon is all about not being a magnet for abusers.

What, like hang around in a bar expecting some sane, handsome, kindly chap to just walk past?? Or are you suggesting she goes to some kind of 1980s style meat market nightclub?!

Bloody hell, the very thought makes me glad that apps exist! Although I haven't had to use them for 6 months, because I met someone. Via an app.

No. Kevin is saying that men who might approach women aren't attracted to women who sit alone, implying that sitting alone won't result in men approaching. I'm saying that some men will approach women who sit alone, but the woman should run a mile from such a man.

@crackofdoom - what app did you meet them on? 🙂