"The Rules" - yay or nay at 40 yrs old

[To4rb]

I was wondering if anyone has had any luck with The Rules, for dating? I am 40, been single 5 years. Dipped my toe in the water with OLD and ended up getting completely over-invested in a man who lived quite far away and was breadcrumming me horribly. Made a bit of a tit out of myself because I liked him so much; sending him messages daily (he'd 'heart' them mostly but sometimes replied) even though we were never in a relationship. Would get over the moon if he messaged me rather than the other way round but he messaged less and less and I just kind of jacked it in after about 9 months. Someone recommended The Rules and I've read it and kind of like the idea of actual rules to follow (am ND) and also seen good things about it on here. But wondering has anyone actually found a long-term partner from following it? I have the updated version however even that is very outdated now; all the new bits are about Facebook and MSN Messenger! Not sure exactly how it would translate to Bumble/ Tinder / Hinge etc. Thanks x

Bumble. It only took 4 years......😬

I have DC most of the time so hard to go out and about except alternate weekends - Fri/Sat/Sun/Mon nights
I must say I've never tried tennis, and am horribly uncoordinated but I'd be willing to try it... I think there is a club nearby.

Occasionally go to Church but most of the congregation are married or much too young for me, like in their early 20's. It has crossed my mind (no pun intended!) that I could meet someone there though. But sadly don't think it will.

I joined a gym that had a book club, café, etc. all on-site but it was very hard to get to on public transport (no car) so it seemed like a waste of money and I also felt like it was a bit depressing to be doing lengths on s Friday night. It did try and foster a kind of community though, with the book group etc. so maybe I should go back. Worth thinking about!! Do people actually meet OHs at the gym though? I would have thought it would be poor form to try and chat someone up during a workout class, or even afterwards if you were relaxing with a coffee and all sweaty and stuff.

I will look at volunteering work as I think that is quite a good shout. Though I am so tired in my job as working full time.. I don't know if I would be able to do much voluntary work

Also to answer a different PP I think for the longest time my special interest was music (gigs, festivals, etc. although when I had DC that all stopped. Would be great to meet someone who likes music a lot though (or even a platonice gig buddy!). So maybe Meet-Up is the answer.

I did find the thing in The Rules about wearing big hoops a bit bonkers tbh.

It doesn't necessarily have to be a bar. It can be anywhere - outside of an app. I don't see the issue in making yourself look and feel great, taking yourself somewhere, and potentially meeting someone offline.

But I was saying this to a friend just today. The apps might be difficult but I find the alternative excruciating. When you start chatting to someone attractive at a social event and you're getting on like a house on fire, and you can feel a little glow of hope start to kindle inside, and then he mentions his wife. And then you feel really foolish, and kind of dirty because you've accidentally been lusting over a married man.

At least with the apps, you know from the start that you're both there trying to meet someone, and that you'rehopefully both single. And then at social events you can simply enjoy mens' company without that stupid little voice that says "Could this be the one? Or maybe this one? Quick, be scintillating! Look your best at all times!"

I had a dating book even worse than the Rules called Boobs, Boys & High Heels. I think it mostly recommended wearing sexy clothes and (probably) twiddling your hair.

Surely, the gym is worth exploring if you can afford to travel there. Many people meet their partners in the gym or create a network and meet others in the same cohort. What's wrong with doing lengths on a Friday evening? It keeps you fit, and you may meet a man there doing the same thing 😂

Or just sit in your back yard in a deckchair, put a milkshake next to the gate and wait....👌

There are plenty of married men on dating apps pretending to be single and cheating on their wives. You have a higher chance of coming across men like this if you swipe through hundreds of profiles per day.

Men are men. Of course, this would work. I don't know the sort of guy you'd attract, but you would land something 😅

Do you mention in your profile that you'd love someone to go to gigs with?!

IME you do meet lots of nice people OLD- it's just the damned elusive spark that's so rare. I met loads of men who would have been great to just hang out with as friends, if I didn't have enough friends already. The boyfriend has a couple of solid female friends he met OLD.

I also found I met a far better category of person when I mentioned my autism in my profile. Less silly fuckboys, more interesting weirdoes 😆

You might find Jennie Young's Burned Haystack method interesting if you remain on the apps.

It's definitely a more modern approach and helps train you to use the rhetoric and language used in dating profiles and early communications to identify potential red flags and sort the wheat from the chaff, or as her title suggests, the needle from the haystack.

Everybody says that, but to my knowledge I've never met one. I reckon I've probably chatted to some at the exchanging messages stage, but everyone I've met up with has seemed pretty plausible, even under interrogation with a little delicate probing into their backgrounds. This is backed up by the fact that we live in a rural area where Everybody Knows Everybody. I see quite a lot of men I know in RL on the apps, but not once have I seen someone I know who's attached.

ETA: I have various friends who are subjecting themselves to the joy of dating apps too, and I don't think any of them have ever met someone that they found out was married/ attached either. Plenty of weird tiresome behaviour of all kinds, but not adultery, no.

I think decent men are far less likely to approach women irl now due to the preference for online dating.

they are far more likely to be odd characters. I’m in a LTR now but 5 years ago when single was approached a couple of times by men. Both, it turned out, were very odd people. I didn’t go out with either, but got to know about them through mutual acquaintances.

Never read the book OP, but I saw this on my LinkedIn today.
This dating up called Thursday has morphed itself to events dating service as they realised people did not find OLD effective.
Here's the link to their site if you're keen. Lots of events come across as the sort that would cater to extroverts but they do have book clubs etc that seem more approachable events.getthursday.com/london/

I guess the rural setting helps! You're one of the fortunate ones. Many of my friends in London are swamped with messages from the married guys there 😅

Yaaas! Thanks for sharing - I will send it to my girlies.

Admittedly I know nothing about online dating, but I don't see why setting some rules wouldn't work well. I read the Rules books and followed them, but this was 2007. Also why men marry bitches series.

I think it did help, and I think the main / sole reason it helped was that it is a tool for weeding out or filtering out those who are not interested in serious relationship / not interested in it with you specifically. Helps sort the wheat from the chaff.

Never approached anyone, just seemed approachable. Actually my partner his friend approached me and my friend. I don't know about online, but why not. Also join hobby groups, go out with friends, work etc.

I also have ND (I think), so I made rules like 1/3 of the days I would reply instantly, 1/3rd of the time in an hour, and 1/3rd of the time within say over 4 hours at least. Stops the too quick false intimacy building of text / social media contact above real life getting to know each other.

Didn't have any sexual contact for the first over 2 months / multiple dates at least, just kissing. Not until we felt it could be serious and we actually liked each others company. This usually weeds out those men just looking for sex, they can't be bothered with the effort if they don't really like you. Don't talk about other partners.

Never gave up or rearranged plans to see them. I think I remember doing some version of the do not accept a Saturday date after Wednesday. If they like you, they will learn quickly to plan in advance. But like the book says, don't tell them this, just say oh I'd really love to but I made plans to xyz, but would really love to schedule it soon. If they don't, then another low effort one weeded out!! Absolutely NO last minute hook ups.

I remember most of the time I didn't initiate contact, I let him do that. Although sometimes I did send a nice text or something which showed I was thinking of him.

I am quite possibly the most messed up about relationships ever, but I never showed much of it until we really knew each other. Book goes into this and I think it's still relevant. Don't be pessimistic about men.

Don't start trying to change them straight away, like their clothing choices, earnings etc.

Say something happens like you get lost in the car on a date, don't complain and make a big deal about it. Be patient. Why men marry bitches book says be hard to get and easy to live with, or something like that.

Don't get too invested in one man. Men usually fall in love slowly and with some resistance from themselves. It's not playing games on our part, it's better to give them the conditions to fall in love with you, and for your own sake weed out the idiots.

I know it's only an anecdote and possibly a coincidence, but I dated lots and it almost NEVER went well, until I started following this. I didn't follow it forever, maybe for the first 6 months or so.

I don't really like the image / looks parts of the books (cause I'm objectively ugly!!), but I see how they are relevant, try to make the most of presenting yourself as best you can, is the best advice to take from it without angsting over it - ,men don't!

Like I said, I know nothing of online dating, but I expect it would still work / translate to a large extent. No man is worth your angsting over, particularly if you barely know them. As controversial as it is, I do think the advice in the books books help weed out poor contenders, who would only cause you heartache anyway, leaving you to hopefully find a decent one!!

I don't think there are many evening classes anymore are there?

I left myself visible on Bumble when I stayed at my parents' close to London once. You would think that there were more interesting men on the apps in the big city. Maybe there were, but you couldn't see them for the hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of sleazy boring ones....😬

There aren't any in my area.

Yes, I agree. Those bullet points rules appear ridiculous, but they have a kernel of sense.

How wonderful it would be if we could all just be open and up front with each other about feelings and intentions? Unfortunately I do think humans are wired to be somewhat perverse in matters of the heart and in my experience and in my observations it often seemed like the least interested one party was the more the other chased and became obsessively infatuated.

I certainly felt that the guys I was the least into were the most likely to fall for me and the one's who were less into me or blew hot and cold on me made me desperate for them. In the end I woke up and realised one of the guys who had been chasing me for ages was actually kind of amazing and I married him but was my initial coolness the thing that sealed the deal, he still thinks he managed to pin down "that girl" even though there are plenty of guys out there who must remember me as a desperate saddo. If the rules tell you to play it cool then they might be on to something!

Compare some of the Rules quoted here with some of the sad posts we see on Mumsnet ...

Yes, spending time & care on a nice Christmas present and birthdays and anniversaries DO matter!

Being messed around over dates and no shows and being ghosted should not be tolerated!

Maybe "Mumsnet Rules for 21st Century Dating" needs to be written.

@pengwynnie -I agree that the less interested I have been in men the more they have chased me. However, I have done it too much before and they eventually got fed up!

I can't seem to get the balance right