"The Rules" - yay or nay at 40 yrs old

[To4rb]

I was wondering if anyone has had any luck with The Rules, for dating? I am 40, been single 5 years. Dipped my toe in the water with OLD and ended up getting completely over-invested in a man who lived quite far away and was breadcrumming me horribly. Made a bit of a tit out of myself because I liked him so much; sending him messages daily (he'd 'heart' them mostly but sometimes replied) even though we were never in a relationship. Would get over the moon if he messaged me rather than the other way round but he messaged less and less and I just kind of jacked it in after about 9 months. Someone recommended The Rules and I've read it and kind of like the idea of actual rules to follow (am ND) and also seen good things about it on here. But wondering has anyone actually found a long-term partner from following it? I have the updated version however even that is very outdated now; all the new bits are about Facebook and MSN Messenger! Not sure exactly how it would translate to Bumble/ Tinder / Hinge etc. Thanks x

@LaBrasseria2024 This is true, eventually even the most obsessed guy will move on if he's getting nowhere unless he's actually pathological in which case you probably wouldn't be too keen anyway!

@pengwynnie - so how do I give just the right amount of push/pull? I just always get it bloody wrong!

@LaBrasseria2024 I really don't know to be honest, I just got lucky that one time and it worked out, it could so easily have been different.

@pengwynnie - yes I know what you mean.

Sometimes I worry I'm too quick to cut guys off.

Matched with a guy on bumble recently, spoke for a few weeks. Then exchanged numbers as we planned a date. Once he got my number he unmatched me on bumble. I said to him about it and he said he has ' upgraded me to WhatsApp status, is there a problem. Never had anyone complain about being upgraded before'

I was actually going to cancel the date due to This as I thought it odd, but maybe I'm oversensitive?

@LaBrasseria2024 Yeah his tone seems off but then its so hard when its over text or online, so easy to misconstrue things, perhaps give it a go with an escape plan as back up?

@pengwynnie - it's just the whole unmatching thing, I find it so odd lol. But then I am single, maybe I'm too sensitive about things that other women would put up with!

@LaBrasseria2024 - I wonder if it's so he looks available again so if it doesn't work out with you he just looks for someone else.

Doesn't show much commitment but it gives a reason that's sort of logical...

@CorsicaDreaming - what do you mean? Sure if it doesn't work out with me he can still look for someone else? He doesn't have to unmatch me to meet someone else

My problem is I go cold with men I like. It’s because I overthink things and get nervous or worry that I am
getting clingy. I will go on a date or two and then think no it’s not a good idea I am getting too attached. I don’t know why I am like this. There is a man I like at the moment and think he likes me so will try and be normal this time.

@GooseMoose2 - I do this also! ☹️☹️

We need help! I am trying to distract myself so as not to overthink things.

I started OLD at about 43
Followed the Mumsnet rules to the letter !!!! Can't remember what they were but there was a great thread at the time with loads of really helpful advise
If been married 25 years and never reallocated so was very nervous
Dated one guy every 4-6 weeks for well over a year and had a ball !
Made some great memories and some great friends
Came off OLD and shortly after someone got back in touch that I'd declined to date because he had never been married and had no dc ( I know mad wasn't I !)
Anyway now almost 10 years later we are very happily married !
He's the love of my life x

If I were single now I would online date (light touch, not scrolling for hours, very strict rules and standards for behaviour and liberal and quick with the « block » button).

The other thing I would do, and really throw myself into, is join hobby groups with lots of men. Example- running club, climbing, hyrox, park run. I think meeting in a relaxed way and getting to know like minded people in a group would be an excellent way to meet a partner. Also you would get fit and generally meet new people, which helps with life satisfaction, and will make you happier!

Meanwhile in actual reality 😂

Iirc The Rules is basically about playing slightly hard to get. Generally I’d say that using a book is. A bad idea- just be yourself- but if you know you have trouble not coming on too strong then maybe the book will be useful. Not to follow slavishly but just as a yardstick to help you gauge how things will come across.

The main thing though is meeting the right person. No book can make the wrong person right.

I have no specific advice on dating ( long married), but I did meet some lovely men in London just by going to the same café every day after the school run. One was single, working in a bank and much younger, and the other one was the dad of a girl in the same school who had lost his wife.
With both, I have had lovely conversations about politics ( it was the Brexit period..). I do not think that they were interested in a loving relationship with me, but they are a good acquaintance. So, yes, I think that you can meet nice people in a bar or in a café...possibly better than the apps

Oh, and start swimming. I went swimming for a while: very few women (I have short hair, with long hair, it is a pain!), and quite a few blokes. The only time when someone tried to hit on me lately, and my DH was in the other lane!

I've read The Rules. If you have no self confidence, no boundaries and no interests outside landing a husband they may help you fake it until you make it.

The one good thing I remember from The Rules is it teaching self respect and boundaries. Drop them, move on to the next.

Ick! Who goes around comparing potential dates to feedback from (real or imaginary) previous ones?

100% this! I was at a birthday party and got talking with someone, I thought it was going well and we had a connection. Then mentioned his partner and I wanted to curl up and die!

I'm 55 widowed with no children and about to dip my toe into OLD.

Are there many decent men on there between 50 and 60?

I think there are a lot of odd men out there who lack social skills.

many of them lack the social skills ( or courage) to just say, ‘I really like you, I won’t be checking the app so thought we could move our chats to WhatsApp’

It could just be social awkwardness but also think it could reveal an attitude where they are treating women like commodities on this app, instead of people who are also judging them. They forget they are also the product!

The Rules is pretty outdated in terms of technology but worth reading. Not your mother's rules is the updated version, that is relevant to online dating, etc... I recommend that one too.
I don't 100% agree with all the rules, (particularly the ones about appearance. In NYMR they go even further saying you have to have long blond hair, blue eyes (wear contact if necessary 🙄), etc... that is a lot of bullshit) but I still recommend reading the 2 books and implementing them, but maybe not follow then to the letter.
I really like the rule about not accepting a saturday date after wednesday. When dating, it's too easy to become a nervous wreck by friday, not sure if you can accept plans from friends in case a guy calls, etc.. If a guy hasn't made plans on wednesday, you move on and make other plans. It sets the boundary that you are not a fall-back plan.
A lot of the Rules is about pacing the relationship down. Don't have phone calls longer than 10 minutes, don't engage in marathon texting, end the date first after 2 hours, don't have sex too soon, etc... In a way ot ensures you get to know a man more before the relationship gets too deep.

Maybe he has updated his profile and doesn't want you to know what new info he has put.

Speaking for weeks before going on a date? Are you not local to one another? Well, maybe he upgraded you to WhatsApp status or updated the pictures on his profile. I wouldn't cancel the date, though.