"The Rules" - yay or nay at 40 yrs old

[To4rb]

I was wondering if anyone has had any luck with The Rules, for dating? I am 40, been single 5 years. Dipped my toe in the water with OLD and ended up getting completely over-invested in a man who lived quite far away and was breadcrumming me horribly. Made a bit of a tit out of myself because I liked him so much; sending him messages daily (he'd 'heart' them mostly but sometimes replied) even though we were never in a relationship. Would get over the moon if he messaged me rather than the other way round but he messaged less and less and I just kind of jacked it in after about 9 months. Someone recommended The Rules and I've read it and kind of like the idea of actual rules to follow (am ND) and also seen good things about it on here. But wondering has anyone actually found a long-term partner from following it? I have the updated version however even that is very outdated now; all the new bits are about Facebook and MSN Messenger! Not sure exactly how it would translate to Bumble/ Tinder / Hinge etc. Thanks x

Yes, this is what I found out, too. My DH had little to no interest in social media unless it was related to his business.

Guys on most of these apps secretly dislike women and have no intention of being a provider, hence why they treat them like disposable paper bags.

I've not tried Hinge; my friend in London has been using it and her experiences have (probably irrationally) put me off it. It's probably more to do with London dating than Hinge per se. She's quite near the City and she has been treated really badly: multiple ghostings, guys asking her to do weird kinky stuff then disappearing, situationships where she doesn't know where she stands, etc. It has been horrible to see how these guys have treated her.

Very much agree with Bumble making men act passive and lazy; there seem to be more "m'lady" types on there than on Tinder and yes I have been surprised that some on Tinder are saying they want an LTR. When it started I think Tinder was mostly for hook-ups?

It's unbelievable what men will say behind an app. Straight to outright sex demands, fantasies, asking you to do stuff / send nudes, etc dunno if it's humour or just they employ a scattergun approach, message loads of stuff to numerous women simultaneously and see what sticks, so to speak?

Dating in London is absolutely foul! people behave extremely badly as it’s an extremely big city and the possibility of anyone that they know finding out about their behaviour is very slim
If you aren’t living in London you may have a different experience with Hinge so don’t rule it out based on your friends experience

@To4rb - I have a lot of matches from London on hinge. They all look like great catches, great jobs etc, but it hasn't progressed to dating as I don't live there, so god knows how they would actually act on a date.

And the guy who offered to put me up in a hotel is a hinge match.

I thought London would have been easier to find love but maybe not.

I think tinder used to be more of a hook up thing, but it's a mixture now.

I think there are ones looking for hook ups on all sites, and lying about wanting an LTR.

@To4rb - yes unbelievable indeed. And then I almost start to doubt myself and think, can I just not take a joke? Do I not have a sense of humour?

But then telling someone to dress slutty for a date isn't exactly polite

@BlueSky2024 - London was my last hope if I didn't meet someone in my home city ....you would think bigger population, more wanting to settle down etc!

I lived in London for 15years and the dating scene there is appalling, I wouldn’t recommend it if you are hoping to meet someone, It’s like a big sweet shop where no one can decide what they want and there are so many possibilities of what seem like better options, also so many people behave in a way they wouldn’t behave in smaller cities as they know the likely hood of someone they know finding out about their bad behaviour is very slim, I even did things in London that I would never dream of doing in my home city for that very reason.
I would say stick to smaller cities if you want to meet someone.
In London everyone is also out for themselves so if you go out with a group of women ( who seem like friends), they would think nothing of trying to get the attention of a man who approached you and wanted to talk to you, they would nearly jump in front of you at times, it happened to me on a few occasions, if they thought that the man was a good catch

So many stories

That sounds like a positive message, a man should never BE your life anyway as so many relationships / marriages seem to break down so easily these days that you need to be prepared to be happy ( and independent) without one.

@BlueSky2024 - oh god that sounds depressing. At first glance on the apps in London it looks like lots and lots of eligible bachelors with lots going for them. My matches have been great! But yes I've never dated them.

Problem is most people my age in my city are already married lol and I'm 32!

If you are matching with a few men that look good in London and they know your current location, why not stay where you are for the moment and see if any of them are willing to come and meet you in your home city if it’s not too far, otherwise could you meet them half way, if they really like you they may make the effort…..it might be worth try, nothing to loose as they say

@BlueSky2024 - I am in N.I, so they would have to take a flight.

I would be in London once or twice a month. I have had one guy offer to pay my flights and hotel lol, so I can stay the night. I'm usually in and out in one day.

But I had mentioned to a few folk on this thread, I don't think I would feel comfortable. Plus he did at one point make a sleazy comment to me, but I don't know if I'm being too sensitive

Yeah, I wouldn’t take him up on that offer either, it does sound a bit sleazy, pretty sure he would want to say in the hotel as well and expect it, there are a lot of flashy men in London who think they can buy women but then treat them with no respect as they then just view the women as objects that can be bought.
If you are only in London on day visits for work, can you take a very late flight home and try and arrange a short date after work to test the waters for yourself?

@BlueSky2024 - the latest flight back home is 6:35, I do like to be at the airport in good time so I wouldn't even have the time!

I told the guy who offered the hotel I could meet for a quick lunch coffee, however, I am rethinking due to the sleazy comment.

Meet him for a coffee, you have nothing to loose and it can’t do any harm, just don’t go in expecting to meet Prince Charming then you won’t be disappointed, it might be interesting at the very least

@BlueSky2024 - yea true. I did previously say to him i wouldn't know what to wear on a London date and he said 'sexy/slutty dress please and heels'

It annoyed me a bit haha, but I don't know if I'm too sensitive

Yeah, I wouldn’t like that either but meeting him for a coffee might be a learning experience, maybe he didn’t know what to say when asked to comment on what a woman should wear on a date, I think most men might be stumped at that one and come out with something silly like that, you never know

@BlueSky2024 - it was more like I asked what people wear in London on nights out etc as I wouldn't really know. I just wasn't overly impressed by the word 'slutty' haha

I probably would still meet him out of interest and expect nothing out of it if it’s not putting you out in any way, If he tries anything inappropriate you can put him in his place

Ah! Do not be surprised if he wants to sleep with you. If he's requesting you to wear something slutty, it's clear he will be spending most of the date ogling at you. He'll likely want to show you off.

Use him. I have dealt with guys like this in the past. Sometimes, you have to use the premise of sex to get what you want. I would send them a link to the dress/shoes I wanted for the occasion and make them believe I was invested in sleeping with them. I would turn up to the date if I didn't have a better option and leave early. Men always fall for this, especially if they have money to spend.

You have the hotel booking - is it in your name? If the date is terrible, leave and do something else. Since you are travelling a distance, perhaps line up a backup date.

What an awful way to behave.

London is not full of eligible bachelors. There is a recession in good-quality men; therefore, they have HUNDREDS of potential women to choose from.

Speaking from personal experience, you could stumble across a 'nice' guy in a bar or club, and you'll see many women with their eyes on him. Be prepared to receive dagger eyes.

I tell my friends to dress up, take themselves on a date during work hours (if their lifestyle permits), or visit specific spaces to attract the man they want. We women have to be very intentional with the men we choose. Know your target!

I appreciate my methodology isn't for everyone, but do you think it's appropriate for her date to demand she wears something slutty? He likely wants to use her; why shouldn't she see what she can get from him?

Join some clubs, volunteer in things that interest you and let it happen organically!