"The Rules" - yay or nay at 40 yrs old

[To4rb]

I was wondering if anyone has had any luck with The Rules, for dating? I am 40, been single 5 years. Dipped my toe in the water with OLD and ended up getting completely over-invested in a man who lived quite far away and was breadcrumming me horribly. Made a bit of a tit out of myself because I liked him so much; sending him messages daily (he'd 'heart' them mostly but sometimes replied) even though we were never in a relationship. Would get over the moon if he messaged me rather than the other way round but he messaged less and less and I just kind of jacked it in after about 9 months. Someone recommended The Rules and I've read it and kind of like the idea of actual rules to follow (am ND) and also seen good things about it on here. But wondering has anyone actually found a long-term partner from following it? I have the updated version however even that is very outdated now; all the new bits are about Facebook and MSN Messenger! Not sure exactly how it would translate to Bumble/ Tinder / Hinge etc. Thanks x

It's never too late to learn and share! We have to stick together to ward off junk men and protect ourselves 😂

Some men have said my behaviour is 'gold digger-ish', but I never gave a damn. If you're asking me for sex and to have access to my body, I want to access your bank account and have you pay some bills 😎

@PromiseNotToCall - would you accept a guy paying your hotel bill for you to come to his city for a date? I had this offer recently but declined as it made me feel weird

@To4rb I read them after I got divorced at 29. Helped me no end. I joined all the fb groups. There are some coaches that can help with it all as well. I found it really helpful for setting boundaries. Had lots of fun online dating and met dh quite quickly. The rules certainly worked on him. He proposed within the year and we’ve been married 8 years now. They say the rules are weed killer for Mr Wrong and miracle grow for Mr Right.
The fashion advice is very dated but the rest of it is pretty spot on.
Rules girls don’t use bumble or any apps where you contact first. With the message type apps, they get four messages to ask for your number or to move to date arrangements. Once they have your number they get four more messages to set up the date.

This would not be TR. They come to you at least twice or possibly three times before you travel to them. At that point you could go and it would be fine for him to pay.

So in 8 messages I'm meant to know if a random stranger is safe enough to give my number to and meet in person? No.

@Kevinandtheargonauts how would you know after 50 messages? 100? Psychos are quite capable of sending thousands of messages.
You meet somewhere safe and public at a reasonable time. You don’t drink much or leave the guy with your drink and you tell someone where you’re going and when you’re coming back. That’s as safe as you’re going to get with OLD.

Agree. I’m not giving out my number after 4 messages - I’ll end up with a dick pic gallery 🤣

As a fellow 50+ single class I’d say pretty much zero.

Theres an awful lot of men of that age group with more baggage than Stansted looking for no strings sex.

Have you had many dates?

I just want to hold hands, walk round the park, got to the theatre, snuggle.on the sofa. I want sex too but as part of a full relationship. Is that too much,?

Not many because I found it generally horrific. Too many men 50+ wanting casual sex. So many can barely string a sentence together or think ‘nice breasts’ is a good opening message.

At 55 on the apps you’ll get messages from men in their 70’s looking for a nurse with a purse to look after them in their dotage.

Ive given up now. It’s like wading through a swamp with

I met my dp on the apps, however I do think men are still open to approaching women and when I'm out with friends I do get approached quite abit.
I hadn't realised that before I went on the apps, but now I know should I ever want a new man ha , so go out with a friend etc and just see how it goes , far easier than the apps , some proper weirdos on there and It's like a part time job sometimes

Sorry to hear that.

i agree with this. You are no less safe meeting after 4 messages than 400. It’s funny what a false sense of security messaging online gives people.

they are a stranger regardless until you meet for the first time. And then it’s easy to arrange a meeting place in public to keep you safe.

In some ways apps are more secure than meeting someone in a bar as profiles have to be verified ( not fool proof, but pretty good- it needs to be linked to a bank card). It means if they did attack you, there’s a data link between you. ( sorry for grim thoughts, but at least it’s another hurdle)

@Pyjamatimenow -what does TR mean?

With this guy, I am in his city (London) once/twice a month but only in and out in one day.

So he offered hotel so I have time for a date

He would have to take a flight to come to me when he has no reason to be there

@LaBrasseria2024 You would be the reason. TR is The Rules. Men get on flights for football matches. They’ll fly for a woman they like. At a stretch you could meet him for a quick coffee 40 mins max in your lunch break for date zero and then he would have to travel to you for date 1. I wouldn’t be staying overnight in an another city for a date zero whether he pays or not. It shows too much interest.

@Pyjamatimenow - the city I Iive in is so small, not much to do.

He is in London &as I'm there once or twice a month he suggested staying over and he wanted to take me to art galleries etc

There wouldn't be any of that to do in my city

Followed my own rules long before I heard of the ones you are referring to. Principle the same: to drink is a small matter but to-be thirsty is everything. Anything worth it needs time, friendship and a solid base. Great way to get rid of the time wasters and I’d say go for it.

@LaBrasseria2024 you’re missing the point. It’s about leaning back and letting the guy do the legwork and not over investing and being too available early on.
My husband lived in another city to me. He drove two hours each way every week to take me to dinner.
Staying overnight in a city for a first date looks desperate. Rules girls wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t do it but you do you.

@Pyjamatimenow - no I do get what you mean when I think about it. I think I'm just so so fed up of dating in my home city, I thought dating in London/a London man would be a bit more exciting for me.

Dating in London is actually notoriously difficult. If anything you need to be stricter with men from there

This is what I want too! 😭

One guy I was in a situationship with offered to pay my train-fare to visit him. I had to cough up for the hotel though because he didn't want his "housemate to hear" 🙄🤔 it just felt really tawdry and horrible so I let the whole thing wither

I'm happy for you 🥰
Interesting that Bumble set-up doesn't work within TR. I find it a bit clunky anyway so prefer Tinder, but Bumble has the more 'serious' reputation and Tinder more for hook-ups.

@Pyjamatimenow - in what way stricter? Sorry if I sound clueless, but I am fairly new to the dating game!

Ironically the people I do know in London are all in LTR.

@To4rb - have u tried hinge? I find men on bumble can be passive and lazy. Tinder has surprised me, with some guys on there looking for longer term