"The Rules" - yay or nay at 40 yrs old

[To4rb]

I was wondering if anyone has had any luck with The Rules, for dating? I am 40, been single 5 years. Dipped my toe in the water with OLD and ended up getting completely over-invested in a man who lived quite far away and was breadcrumming me horribly. Made a bit of a tit out of myself because I liked him so much; sending him messages daily (he'd 'heart' them mostly but sometimes replied) even though we were never in a relationship. Would get over the moon if he messaged me rather than the other way round but he messaged less and less and I just kind of jacked it in after about 9 months. Someone recommended The Rules and I've read it and kind of like the idea of actual rules to follow (am ND) and also seen good things about it on here. But wondering has anyone actually found a long-term partner from following it? I have the updated version however even that is very outdated now; all the new bits are about Facebook and MSN Messenger! Not sure exactly how it would translate to Bumble/ Tinder / Hinge etc. Thanks x

I don't think it's OK for her date to ask/demand that. She should end contact with him not lower herself to your level.

You're right. She doesn't have to. If lowering herself to 'my level' gets her a lovely dress, a pair of fancy heels and a fancy stay in a London hotel - I'd say she's winning. He'll have the chance to show her off (which he wants), and she will have a new outfit😂

As I say, my methodology isn't for everyone.

You're right. Your methodology isn't for everybody

Decent people wouldn't do that.

I'll leave this thread now. I don't belong here.

I'm starting so see you some women struggle to find a decent man.

Well, the word decent is subjective and open to interpretation.

Toodle-oo

Hmm, it's not necessarily easier in London, as men have an abundance of women to choose from, many of which have low standards.

Unfortunately, many of the guys on the apps want to be chased, especially if they are younger or good-looking. My friends have had more success with guys aged 45+ living outside the cities.

I lived in London 10 years and I had a few good relationships but agree with you regarding the women! Very competitive over men, even if they didn’t actually like a man they wouldn’t want another woman getting one over them and would go after him out of spite. A lot of jealousy and dirty tricks ! Only really realised since I moved away how bad is was 😀

Exactly, very hard to find trustworthy female friends to socialise with, everyone had an ulterior motive and the older you get the more competitive it got, a lot of women will also just use you as someone to go out with for their own gains and not really have any interest in friendship outside of that

A current friend of mine, every single time we are out and if a man comes up talking to me, she will try and intercept the conversation, dominate it and try and get all the attention for herself and completely take it over, I have stopped going to bars etc with her and only meet her for coffee now, I think she does it to everyone but now does not have any female friends to go out with as she can’t be trusted

I couldn't agree with you more. I had friends who would do the same thing amongst the other women trying to zone in. Needless to say, I started going out alone.

The thing is that I would never do something like that (move in on someone they were interested in) so in their eyes I was probably someone handy to socialise with, you just couldn’t trust them, no sisterhood at all

You'll see how quickly the sisterhood falls apart when there are 'single' for the picking. There were countless occasions during my clubbing era when my 'friends' would disappear to the toilet with a guy who had been chatting me up.

It makes me thankful for not giving it out for 'free'.

I genuinely think it’s almost impossible to find ‘real’ female friends, most have ulterior motives and can’t really be trusted

I am very cautious about the women I choose to make friends with. My small circle of female friends are either super happy and settled in their relationships, like myself, or childless friends who aren't concerned with dating or wanting a family. I have lost many female friends who were struggling in their relationships and who felt best placed to counter-transfer their anger to me. I didn't tell them to date an imbecile!

Yes, I’m also now extremely cautious about who I’m friends with, sometimes overly cautious though and as a result don’t really trust many females aside from my sisters

I wonder if men have the same problems with male friendships, would love to know or is it just a female thing

@PromiseNotToCall - I told him not to book the hotel as I didn't feel comfortable with it.

Told him I would meet for a coffee but I feel a bit dubious about that also!

@BlueSky2024 - I don't think men do have those problems with friends no! I have one small group of female friends who I really trust (sadly don't live near each other though)

Other friends in my city/close by I deffo don't trust as much

He does seem a bit sleazy, and I imagine he may have wanted more @LaBrasseria2024 Good for you!

I think less-established men worry about their partners looking elsewhere. Maybe I am wrong, but I don't see men throwing death stares at other men when they're out in public with their partners, whereas women are ready to tear one another's eyeballs out.

@LaBrasseria2024 that London guy is a massive sleeze. I would unmatch personally. It is very clear from the little that you have said about him that he does not see you as a person and is only looking for a hook up. And that does not seem to be what you are looking for.

I think you need to value your time more and be more ruthless with moving on if someone is looking for different things or there is no progress towards a meet up in person. Check out the ask a matchmaker podcast. She has a real commonsense approach to weeding guys out and also good ideas about how to create a profile that gets interest from the guys who want the same thing as you (she also would have ditched this guy after the sleezy comment).

@Rainbowqueeen - thanks for your post. When I said I wouldn't feel comfortable with him paying for my hotel, he said it was a gentlemanly offer but accepted my 'no'

But yes the sexy/slutty comment irked me a bit!

It's hard as I'm from a small city, but over in London at times, so wanted to have London options