Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
__
This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
__
It's complicated and it's emotional.
__
The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

What is it that they want? We do all these things so what do they want? Is it because they can’t necessarily feel how it feels so they keep wanting? Everything is not enough for my oldest daughter.

I think it's that they are stressed/ not happy and so need to find an external blame.
Cause and reaction - why do I feel so anxious?
My Mum isn't perfect, that must be why.

Is they the lack of self awareness and self reflection?

Quite possibly.

Very disabling really in the view of relationships. It must be so hard.

I think my partner has Alexithymia with his ASD. He doesn’t appear to show any emotions at all. He knows comfortable and uncomfortable only. I don’t know why but it makes me a little sad. Because why does he like me, if he works on logic then what’s logical about me.

Would you be eligible for spousal support in a divorce? If he is earning and you are full time carer for D.D.? Sorry, just speculating here, but would you need to be, financially, all alone?

I think undiagnosed ASD can lead to covert narc traits, yes. And if it quacks like a duck and all that. The effect on us is the same.

DP was a total covert narc today. I don’t care what caused it. He’s never done this before. I need to have a long hard think about whether I will give him the opportunity to do it again. I think probably I won’t as while I’m fine with all his diagnoses this went way too far over the line.

I turned up to our date and his face was thunder. Apparently I had ‘dissapointed’ him by being exactly on time at our meeting place but not responding to his texts asking where I was or if I was lost. When I said he can always call if he needs to know where I am and that no one else would be mad if I was on time but didn’t text he said ‘you want me to be like everybody else.’

I called BS on all of it. I won’t be pass agged. I was really angry. He could have said sorry. He made it worse.

He told me Valentines day was off (we had dinner reservations) because he had done a new plan for his week and needed to work. I said this was a unilateral decision and upsetting. He said ‘OK then I’ll tell my client I can’t deliver if that’s what you want.’

I went into reactive mode. I didn’t insult him as I don’t insult people. I was just quite snippy.

He then claimed I was being horrible and mean and he didn’t deserve being treated this way and was going home, pulling on my ADHD RSD lever.

I cried. I said ‘can you see I’m crying’ he said ‘I am going to start crying too.’ He kept saying you are this and you are doing that because you want that. I pulled him on this. He said he’d not made a single you statement,

FML. I know what verbal and emotional abuse are. If it quacks like a duck etc.

I’ve been really nice about him on this thread as truly nothing like this has happened before. But right now I do not and should not care if he is actually a narcissist or an autistic having a bad day. I do not want to see him again. I will have a DP shaped hole in my life now but I am sure I can fill it.

Thank you, yes I probably am on some level. See, I get so panicked, I forget that DH would still have some financial responsibility over making sure DD is housed etc.

Interestingly I keep getting adverts for 1 and 2 bedroom flats for sale in the town he works in. And I certainly haven't searched for and flats for that bery specific type of housing to pop up on my MN feed... So why would DH be looking??

I'm so sorry that really was very hurtful of him, and as you say ND no excuses for that level of being unpleasant 🫂

@Neurospice omg I’d love to be like everyone else as my ND effects my life negatively quite a bit. That sounds like a very narc thing to say, narcs are too good to be like everyone else. Sounded like an awful evening with no regard for you at all.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore does your relationship with your daughter effect you? I’ve been feeling quite low lately because of our relationship. All day everyday I have to be so careful how I speak to her. Even this morning getting ready for school I’ve asked her to stop playing and to put her clothes on. She turns to me as she does every day and literally threatens me, “if you talk to me like this you will make me start.” Then she will start saying horrid things and literally won’t do anything. I’ve got to a point I’m afraid of saying anything and the relationship I have with her has really deteriorated.

It makes me feel low and too, because like you I have to watch not only every word I say but also how I say it. Any hint of a raised or stressed tone of voice and she cries and says I shout at her and hate her. Which although I know she knows I really love her, it still hurts. DH thinks DD manipulates me which although true to some extent, comes from a place of anxiety from her, not malicious intent. I know she has a good heart and that she releases a lot of her stress on me. When I see her doing something loving towards a friend, animal or soft toy it makes me feel so warm as I know she has so much love in her.

As she's suffering from increased anxiety (due to burn out at school after losing her 1:1 support), I have been trying even harder to not place any demands or add to her stress. So a year of walking on eggshells around her and also being on demand 24/7 as little respite. I am near burn out amd am trying really hard to protect myself now as she really needs me. DH can't always cope, as you all know, so I feel it's on me to ensure she feels unconditionally loved and supported. Yet, she makes me cry with hurtful comments, but I try to hide it and go in the bathroom to cry.

It's hard because I haven't got many loving people around me with DH being hot and cold and DD unintentionally hurtful.

🫂 to you, it is very hard!

I think my weight loss may be burn out. My fatigue is awful. Being ND makes it even harder to keep regulated through all of this. I’ve literally had enough of it all now. I don’t live a natural automatic life, everything needs to be pre thought because of all the ND. My mind is full!

It could be a reason for weightloss for sure, hope you can find ways to look after yourself and your health. What I started doing (on advice from therapist last year) was having 'pockets' of time to do mindfulness or something form of self-care every day.

My ASD means I get overwhelmed by all this and DD then thinks I'm boring or dramatic as I can't cope at times. Yes, my whe life is also having to be pre-thought because all of us are ND!

What I don’t understand is I’m ND and I’m trying to put everyone’s ND needs before my own but none of the other ND people are putting my needs anywhere???? Do they think I have none or they don’t matter. I’m ND yet I know their needs matter…I don’t get it!

The hardest thing is when you have ND kids and an ND husband. My teenager is really struggling at the moment and I feel my DH is making everything 100% worse. No matter how many times I go over the right approach with our son, he keeps making the same mistake over and over again. My DH is so quick to temper and doesn’t seem to learn from his mistakes. It’s causing so much stress. I often feel like running away 😢

I also have this exact issue to contend with my DD who I believe has ADHD (on top of the situation with my ND DS who is massively struggling and my ND DH who just makes everything harder). It’s so hard. I just feel like running away from them all 😢

Snap but then I’d have guilt. What I wish for sometimes is to just stop caring and having feelings then none of this would have any impact at all.

I often feel like that too!

I know. All I do is worry and feel hurt/disappointment/stress/anxiety from them all. I know being ND is a disability and I try to be as understanding as possible but when you are surrounded by people who are unpredictable, emotionally abuse you, cause so much tension and stress it wears you down. All I want is a safe, peaceful and happy life. I don’t feel I have any of those things right now 😢 I just give and give to my family. I feel sorry for my eldest who is the only NT one having to deal with it all. His siblings speak to him like rubbish too. I will be so bereft when he leaves home as I feel he is my only ally.

This is so similar to my situation and when I gently suggest an approach more suitable for DD (ie less demand and not using emotional manipulation) he gets defensive and huffy at me. I am planning on going on a Day trip myself this Spring and then maybe a night away by myself in the summer. To get some headspace.

That sound lovely. I think it’s so important to make time for your mental wellbeing. I am trying to remember that as last year I completely and utterly lost myself due to my teenager who was in burn out. It was such a traumatic year. My mental health was in tatters.

I keep having more and more frequent dreams, as in when I'm asleep, about going away by myself, leaving DD overnight for the very first time.

Most parents wouldn't think twice about leaving a 10 yo with their own father for one night but it's a massive step for me as haven't done it yet.

Really need to work on making this happen!

Sorry to hear that, are you feeling better now? I think this is where I'm at, a year of EBSA for DD and then trying to break up with DH etc.