Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 14

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5183563-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-13?page=1

How much is enough?
How much time is enough to wait for the relationship you want or need?
How much of your own energy is enough in analysing someone else's behaviour?
How much head space is enough for researching and self reflection on how you can adapt in your relationship?
How much compromise is enough?
How much acceptance is enough?
How much are you giving compared to how much you're receiving?
These are the questions I have started asking myself.

Bit of a rant here from me this morning.

I'm really struggling with DH and DD these last few weeks. DD because she has now been out of school for over a year and the intensity of being together 24/7 and me doing most of the caring for her is pushing me close to carer burn out. DH because he is 'getting worse' (I'll explain further down), and is not only less able to support me with the much needed respite, but also his behaviours cause more anxiety in DD (as well as me), meaning my energy is also taken up with supporting DD after their fall outs. It all feels very dysfunctional right now.

Things had been going well for a couple of months my own space (which is now cluttered with DHs stuff as he is sorting the main bedroom out), a few hours to myself each weekend (which clearly is not enough) as well as DH doing things to help himself (but maybe not the right things or he needs more and maybe medication) and it felt like the oppression had lifted.

But H seems less able to deal with DD, and seems unable to access any of the resources I've suggested over the years (too much demand to read the various books, won't click on links I've send in as a low demand way as I can) and gets very PA when I try to gently suggest that maybe him saying X might make DD feel like Y. Examples: burn half the teddies comment back in January, sulking and not speaking to her when she's shouted at him (because he antagonised her) because he 'is not a doormat', his words, because I am a doormat, apparently.

Adding to this he's also beginning to do that 'thing' that is somewhat meant to make me feel less or make me doubt myself (almost like negging or what Covert Narcs do) so lots of little digs and insults disguised as jokes and scowly faces of disappointment and disapproval when I do things 'wrong'. I'm trying not to let it affect me as I know it's him, not me. But it's shit really.

It's possibly linked to him making a new female 'friend' who has been giving him lift home from yoga. He is acting shifty and I've seen this before when he's had what MN would describe as emotional affairs with a couple of women he's become close friends with. He won't physically cheat but thrives on the validation. I ignored the last one as I was planning on a separation at the time. Inclined to let him get on with it again as I am planning on having a 'talk' once the 6 month since I went to Relate has passed. But it does lead to a sort of The Script situation when he begins to see me as the bad wife to justify his friendship with other women. I can see that quite clearly.

Anyway, my DM is flying over in 5 weeks to give me respite with DD as well as supportive chats. Can't wait. Also hopefully having Oral Surgery next week to remove that troublesome Wisdom Tooth so can then relax re reoccurring tooth infections!

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore I don’t think there’s much to say about your partner. He reads like there isn’t much point to him or any bother in trying to change anything. I think he’s a lost cause. Sorry, he just doesn’t sound like someone to bother over. (Unless there’s loads of good you leave out)

I think you are right there, I was trying to give him/us this second chance or least a chance to reflect and find a new way forwards, following that Relate appointment, and although there were some progress the oppression lifted, it's not going to lead to a happy ever after.

What I was hoping for was a way to live and co-parent together for a while as a full on separation might have been too much for DD at the time. There are a lot of good things about DH, but the 'bad' things are too painful to compromise on.

Yet I am sort of stuck as not working, am waiting for my ASD diagnosis and haven't really got anywhere to go. The Relate counsellor suggested I could declare myself homeless but I know that in our area, that means being housed in a hostel or BnB for a very long time. Might go to Citizens Advice after DM has been over (and the tooth is out, it's causing me so much health anxiety as infection last summer nearly went septic!) As a full time carer and DD in receipt of DLA I might qualify for enough benefits to leave but no way could we afford anything to rent in our village.

Some of his behaviours are somewhat erratic or even dangerous, for example whilst carving the chicken on Sunday he got frustrated with the small kitchen knife and flung it into the sink, with me standing a bit too close to the sink to definitely miss me. We also don't throw kitchen knives into the sink, I mean, it could have bounced. He was tipsy at the time, but that is no excuse.

This morning, we had several minutes of swearing and ranting as he'd spilt a few drops of coffee on the stairs carpet. All for me, and DD to hear.

Supposedly this is how that poor 14 year old girl was killed by her father “mucking about” on too much wine and weed. The situation you describe is not safe.

It's unsettled me quite a bit, of course he made me out to be the crazy one for suggesting that it I wasn't comfortable with him doing that. I'm going to write it down in my log journal so I remember and can remind myself that it is not ok.

What’s it called when you can’t see the world outside of yourself. For example my daughter takes everything personally, her friend is too anxious to call her so she asks me doesn’t she like me anymore, what have I done wrong. What is this when we center everything back to ourselves? Is it because ND people spend a lot time inside their heads (I know I do)

I’m really sorry things aren’t going as well as you’d like them to be. Try and remember you never said the changes that were being made were going to change your mind about leaving. They were temporary changes to make life more tolerable for now. And that’s still the case. I know you started thinking maybe this is OK actually. Maybe if this is sustained things could be OK…. And it’s fine to think like that as of course it’s natural to try and see the positive side and want to make things work. But if the realisation that it isn’t enough after all hits, then don’t be too disheartened. You just revert back to your original plan: making things tolerable for now. Sounds like he needs to move his stuff out of your sanctuary for starters!

Is it part of RSD? Or because we're often made to feel like we've done things wrong due to not understanding social cues etc so we are always prepared to take the blame? I definitely spend a lot of time inside my head!

Older, later-teen autistic's son's behaviour has ground me down. We had a blazing row 10 days ago, it got worse and he's gone to live with his father.

For years and years if he wants something he lies and deceives for it. His judgement is appalling - he's caused actual harm to one poor girl - and he never sticks to a rule if he doesn't want to. He's had to be moved to a remedial class as he's failed his course already if he stayed in the normal class, because he misses so much school because he stays up til all hours gaming. Tried absolutely everything. But he's intimidating.

It's breaking my heart. I don't trust him to make good decisions, I don't trust him to abide by (sensible) rules. I don't like the sexism, the absolute inability to consider anyone else or absolute refusal to take any responsibility for his actions. The bullying of his much younger little brother, the endlessly negative comments towards us all.

He's my little boy and he grew up and sometimes he can be lovely - he was lovely for a few weeks recently - but the way he's acting now is truly unpleasant.

Thank you, I was getting carried away with trying to make things work, partly because the actually physically leaving is seemingly impossible (although I will find a way!).

Revert back to plan it is!

@DucklingSwimmingInstructress its just horrible when they have so little self awareness. Mine daughter is only young still but she can be real unkind and it’s heart breaking. I have no advice because I’m suffering also.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore I don’t know. I think it maybe this black and white need for there to be blame. Most of the time she projects it onto everyone else because she has no self awareness. Someone is always to blame for everything and most of the times that’s me. 😔

Most of my results came back clear which is good but doesn’t explain almost loosing a stone and I’m only 8 stone now. I think maybe it’s my body with all the stress. I don’t deal well with stress with my AdHd and I don’t switch off night and day.

@DucklingSwimmingInstructress 🫂 it's hard when they can't see the effect their behaviour has on others. My DD is only 10 but is so rude and unpleasant to me at times it really hurts.

@Rainbow03 glad your tests came back ok, maybe it is the stress causing the weight loss.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore my 8 year old is just so hurtful. Everything is my fault and I’m a rubbish mum full of fault and blame. It’s just awful. Most of my friends have no idea what it’s like to be told you are a shit mum doing a shit job day after day.

Thinking about narcissism and ASD similarities. Would an ASD person do something intentionally to get a negative reaction out of someone as punishment? Or do they react in ways less thought out and planned? Because I have someone who appears to punish you days or weeks later because you did something they didn’t like.

Same here, I know it's partially because I'm her safe person who she can release pentbup frustrations on, yet she seems to have no idea how much she hurts me when calls me an idiot/dummy/stupid on a daily basis. It also worries me that maybe some of it comes from DH negging me and making me out to be a 'ditsy' or 'silly' woman. I'm being bullied in my own home!

There are many similarities yet I also wonder if living with undiagnosed ASD/ND can actually lead to the development of NPD. I'm not qualified to say that but I do wonder. I know many people with ASD hold onto grudges and are maybe also less likely to deal with that grudge in a well regulated way.

DH is most certainly acting like a classic Covert Narc at the moment but I have no idea what he actually is, no diagnosis for anything.

Yesterday, I began to wonder whether I should even consider DH and his actions as ND when he doesn't have an actual diagnosis. I've had enough screening assessments myself to call myself autistic but he hasn't even approached his GP or is willing to pay for a private diagnosis so maybe that tells me something. Just rambling now!

My ND teen was adamant she wanted to move out as we were such neglectful parents. She thought she'd be able to be adopted by a mythical lovely family who would cater to her every need and instantly get her the professional support she needed. Early help got involved. The support worker tried to tell her tactfully that she was unlikely to be top of the list for such a move...

Omg. Mine does the same thing, tells me she wants to live with a nice loving mother who treats their kids better. When we go away she will cling onto other mums and say to me see this one is a better mum to me. It’s really upsetting. The minute you mention that it affects you when you don’t want to listen or you say such horrible things or you don’t want to do this or that or shout or eye roll or swear. You don’t know these mums, they don’t know you. She will act all lovely just to prove a point to me but it’s easy to get positive feedback when you are lovely. But nope none of that is part of the equation, very large parts of the equation are just missing.

I do that and it’s a trauma response for me.
Basically, I’m constantly on the lookout first things to go wrong.
The difference is tyat your dd then says it’s someone eise fault whereas I’ve been taught that it’s up to me sorting out for other people.
Id have had a similar reaction at her age - why doesn’t she like me anymore??

@Rainbow03 could loosing weight being part of your ME?
It’s great that they found nothing. But still worrying when you have unexplained symptoms.

I don’t think so but then I have no idea. They don’t seem to be following me up so I will make another appointment. It could well be stress because I know this speeds up the metabolism and I haven’t been sleeping. It’s just the relentless days of struggling trying to parent with no end in sight and no emotional support that might be effecting me.

DD used to get so upset that I wasn't more like mums you see in adverts or like one of the Youtubers who builds Lego with their daughter, and it's all very fun and perfect. She's been disappointed when I haven't been able to recreate some fun and sweet moments from Bluey on TV. Because life is not like Bluey.

Me needing to do any chores or housework is apparently me being boring and neglecting her. As she's out of school, I have to do some stuff around the house, which is boring, of course. When I'm ill, I am boring, and she'll end up having a meltdown because I won't play with her.

Edited to add that I spent a LOT of time building Lego, playing with dolls over the years, and jiw she's older, I often join her on Roblox. Hours a day probably!