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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being taken advantage of?

221 replies

sillyantics · 27/12/2024 23:33

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years. He's lived with me for 2.5 of those (in my house). Throughout these years, he's been in and out of work. I've been consistently earning a very good income (more than 5x his income). I don't know if this is relevant.

My boyfriend is very defensive with everything. We've have arguments where he's left me in the middle of not great cities in the middle of the night and just leaves for days at a time if we fight. There's no "repair" in these incidents, it has to be me who apologises even if I did nothing wrong.

Over Christmas, there's been a series of events where I have felt very unwanted and neglected. He didn't get me a Christmas present and I spent £700+ on his. He's supposed to pay a small contribution to live in my house (that I bought before I met him), and on many occasions he hasn't paid it and I have to constantly remind him. His excuse is I earn way more than him so I should be able to shoulder it and he has lots of expenses that means sometimes he can't afford it????

At this point, I feel like I'm being taken for granted, but he somehow always manages to turn things around on to me and why I'm the bad person. I've never been a confrontational person, so I don't know if I am actually doing something wrong here or if I'm being taken for granted. He has a good life, in that I pay for everything apart from his personal bills. If we go out, I pay. I've paid for parking fines and holidays etc. He has never taken me on a date or anything, but he constantly makes me feel like, because I earn so much more, that I should be the one footing the bill for everything.

Am I crazy or am I being taken advantage of here? Also to note, he doesn't do anything around the house. We both work full time and I do all the cleaning, laundry, bins, etc because he "forgets" and I'm "better at it than he is". Writing this out I feel like a mug, but he has a great way of making me feel like I should be doing more.

OP posts:
DuckTales1234 · 27/12/2024 23:37

Yes, you are massively been taken advantage of. Please leave this man!

SunflowerTed · 27/12/2024 23:38

I can’t believe you are actually asking this question. The time you took to type it would have been better spent loading his belongings into bin bags and booking a locksmith

notacooldad · 27/12/2024 23:39

Seriously?
Go on have a guess, what do you think?

StepawayfromtheLindors · 27/12/2024 23:39

FGS grow a backbone and chuck him out. You know full well he’s a waste of space.

mochaplsxx · 27/12/2024 23:40

Kick him out and start 2025 as you mean to go on. What are you getting out of this relationship other than company?

EG94 · 27/12/2024 23:40

Yes you’re being taken advantage of

take from a woman with the t shirt, being attacked constantly by a hypocrite who is never wrong and never takes accountability or apologises and gaslights the fuck out of you is a no good abusive piece of shit.

serve him notice to leave.

Girlmom35 · 27/12/2024 23:41

You deserve so much better than this!
I'm glad you're opening your eyes. Please leave him

Weyohweyoh · 27/12/2024 23:42

Classic cocklodger. Do yourself a favour and boot his arse out the door.

LifeExperience · 27/12/2024 23:42

Of course you're being taken advantage of. He's an able-bodied man living off of his girlfriend. Yuck.

sillyantics · 27/12/2024 23:42

Thank you everyone. Sometimes it's so hard to see when you're in it. Part of me feels like I should be doing and paying more because I'm the higher earner, but honestly I'm not getting much back in this relationship. It sounds so stupid when I type it out because I'm a successful person in all other parts of my life but this.

OP posts:
EG94 · 27/12/2024 23:43

sillyantics · 27/12/2024 23:42

Thank you everyone. Sometimes it's so hard to see when you're in it. Part of me feels like I should be doing and paying more because I'm the higher earner, but honestly I'm not getting much back in this relationship. It sounds so stupid when I type it out because I'm a successful person in all other parts of my life but this.

I fully understand you and I know how difficult it is to detach and walk away. My inbox is always open ☺️

sillyantics · 27/12/2024 23:43

EG94 · 27/12/2024 23:40

Yes you’re being taken advantage of

take from a woman with the t shirt, being attacked constantly by a hypocrite who is never wrong and never takes accountability or apologises and gaslights the fuck out of you is a no good abusive piece of shit.

serve him notice to leave.

Thank you.. this sounds exactly like him.

OP posts:
WhoopsNow · 27/12/2024 23:43

He's a cocklodger. He is taking absolute advantage. He lives for free and you're not even worthy of a christmas present. You are his sugar mama not his partner.

TwistedWonder · 27/12/2024 23:44

Why the fuck are you letting this freeloading cocklodger scrounge off of you for 3 years???

You're being taken for an absolute mug. He saw you coming. He’s living the life of Riley and you’re bankrolling it.

Seriously find your self respect and kick his poncing arse to the kerb.

sillyantics · 27/12/2024 23:45

TwistedWonder · 27/12/2024 23:44

Why the fuck are you letting this freeloading cocklodger scrounge off of you for 3 years???

You're being taken for an absolute mug. He saw you coming. He’s living the life of Riley and you’re bankrolling it.

Seriously find your self respect and kick his poncing arse to the kerb.

I needed this 😂 harsh but true, thank you.

OP posts:
sillyantics · 27/12/2024 23:48

Gahh why is it so hard to see when you're in it???

OP posts:
honeyfox · 27/12/2024 23:49

I stopped reading when you said after all that's happened you spent 700 quid on him. Speechless.

IndigoBabble · 27/12/2024 23:50

I'm not usually one for saying 'leave the bastard' but seriously. You know he's taking the piss and he has no respect for you. You deserve better.

EG94 · 27/12/2024 23:50

sillyantics · 27/12/2024 23:48

Gahh why is it so hard to see when you're in it???

It’s not, you can see it and you do see it, he just gaslights you each time you see it for what it is probably by empty words he knows you want to hear and you just hang on and hang on for the good days, the days from the beginning. You change who you are, you become a little bit smaller each time in the hope of a good day or good few days

sillyantics · 27/12/2024 23:51

EG94 · 27/12/2024 23:43

I fully understand you and I know how difficult it is to detach and walk away. My inbox is always open ☺️

Thank you. I don't know why it's so hard... I'm very strong in other parts of my life, but when it comes to this part of me feels like I must be wrong!

OP posts:
Circumferences · 27/12/2024 23:52

A normal person when living with someone who pays all the mortgage/rent, pays for holidays and pays for basically everything, will reciprocate by doing the housework, laundry, cooking meals etc etc. Surely that's a basic obvious.

When I was a student living with my working partner, he paid my rent, I made the house nice because why on earth would I just slob it? Now we're more equal in our earnings, I still do most of the cooking lol but I just like to. I wouldn't dream of just slobbing around in someone else's house.

sillyantics · 27/12/2024 23:52

honeyfox · 27/12/2024 23:49

I stopped reading when you said after all that's happened you spent 700 quid on him. Speechless.

I know. I feel like an idiot. I'd be speechless too if a friend said this to me.

OP posts:
Enough4me · 27/12/2024 23:52

YES: LTB. Do it now, don't waste even minutes on him.

sillyantics · 27/12/2024 23:53

EG94 · 27/12/2024 23:50

It’s not, you can see it and you do see it, he just gaslights you each time you see it for what it is probably by empty words he knows you want to hear and you just hang on and hang on for the good days, the days from the beginning. You change who you are, you become a little bit smaller each time in the hope of a good day or good few days

Urgh I know. He constantly says I nag him and he does "more than I think" around the house. But when I'm loading the washing, doing the dishes, cooking dinner, putting the bins out.. I'm like, what ARE you doing?!

OP posts:
sillyantics · 27/12/2024 23:54

Circumferences · 27/12/2024 23:52

A normal person when living with someone who pays all the mortgage/rent, pays for holidays and pays for basically everything, will reciprocate by doing the housework, laundry, cooking meals etc etc. Surely that's a basic obvious.

When I was a student living with my working partner, he paid my rent, I made the house nice because why on earth would I just slob it? Now we're more equal in our earnings, I still do most of the cooking lol but I just like to. I wouldn't dream of just slobbing around in someone else's house.

Exactly! And I've been that person in the past, and I've always done all the cooking, the laundry etc so I don't feel like a massive sponge on them!

OP posts:
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