Am I being taken advantage of?

[sillyantics]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years. He's lived with me for 2.5 of those (in my house). Throughout these years, he's been in and out of work. I've been consistently earning a very good income (more than 5x his income). I don't know if this is relevant.

My boyfriend is very defensive with everything. We've have arguments where he's left me in the middle of not great cities in the middle of the night and just leaves for days at a time if we fight. There's no "repair" in these incidents, it has to be me who apologises even if I did nothing wrong.

Over Christmas, there's been a series of events where I have felt very unwanted and neglected. He didn't get me a Christmas present and I spent £700+ on his. He's supposed to pay a small contribution to live in my house (that I bought before I met him), and on many occasions he hasn't paid it and I have to constantly remind him. His excuse is I earn way more than him so I should be able to shoulder it and he has lots of expenses that means sometimes he can't afford it????

At this point, I feel like I'm being taken for granted, but he somehow always manages to turn things around on to me and why I'm the bad person. I've never been a confrontational person, so I don't know if I am actually doing something wrong here or if I'm being taken for granted. He has a good life, in that I pay for everything apart from his personal bills. If we go out, I pay. I've paid for parking fines and holidays etc. He has never taken me on a date or anything, but he constantly makes me feel like, because I earn so much more, that I should be the one footing the bill for everything.

Am I crazy or am I being taken advantage of here? Also to note, he doesn't do anything around the house. We both work full time and I do all the cleaning, laundry, bins, etc because he "forgets" and I'm "better at it than he is". Writing this out I feel like a mug, but he has a great way of making me feel like I should be doing more.

Because you think about what made you like him to begin with. But it's the difference between the "curb appeal" of a house and living in it and finding out it has termites. It's sad when initial promise doesn't work out, but best to face it and stop wasting years.

He didn't get me a Christmas present and I spent £700+ on his.

this is on you. You know he has a very limited income and unlikely to buy you anything yet you spent £700 on him. That's excessive and just double underlines the disparity in income between you.

He's supposed to pay a small contribution to live in my house (that I bought before I met him), and on many occasions he hasn't paid it and I have to constantly remind him. His excuse is I earn way more than him so I should be able to shoulder it and he has lots of expenses that means sometimes he can't afford it????

what are all these expenses then? He's living at your's rent-free, and only expected to make a "small contribution" which he doesn't pay,

how is he incentivised to get a job and pay his way in life when you set the bar so low? You aren't his mum.

Good luck!

Sorry, Mum 😂

Mate, do yourself a favour, and pay attention to your gut instinct and the,advice given here.

Do not allow him to manipulate you when you bring this up to him. It isn't your fault, your expectations are not too high. You won't realise he's a great man down the road. Anything he tells you will be a crock of shit.

Move on. Make next year the year you deserve.

You need to get up and do this today. Don't plan. Dknt time limit it or plan a date.TODAY. does he go out this morning, something you could facilitate? If not call a friend. Or a few.text them or ring them first thing saying you need support at the house please, you are going to be asking shithead to leave. THIS MORNING. No ducks in a row needed. Your house. Get him gone. Over. He no longer needs to take up room in your house,life or head.
In a way you are lucky, there is no papers or important documents, no needing lawyers or knowledge of how to split things. And no kids thank fuck.
So it's just getting someone sat with you as he walks into the kitchen and you saying. "I'd like you to pack your bags ans leave please. Now. Take everything please we are over." Any ifs or buts you don't argue you just tell him leave or police. If he fusses get him out door and find a different way to put his stuff out later.
This isn't about not liking confrontation. Get someone there to help you. This is about your life. And your being used because of the type of sensitive soul you are. Don't let him trample and abuse that heart of yours. Because to be so sensitive and afraid of confrontation means you've got one heck of an achievement coming your way when you realise what you CAN do.
Start thinking about your own heart.
His lack of money does not mean he gets to stay. This would be considered for a friend or someone who is good in your life. This bloke is awful to you. Why would you let someone effectively steal from you who hates you?
You deserve better.
Men like this are clever. This isn't a flaw in you. It's a flaw in them.

He has no.pride. even though you earn significantly more he should still want to contribute. No Christmas present? Shocking. Been I'm a similar situation. Get rid before you end up.being in lots of debt and emotionally deplete. U deserve so much better.

Here’s a clue - ‘I have a father who's pretty useless’.

Start 2025 as you mean to go on, get him out now.
TELL him, give him notice to leave.

Good advice about removing valuables (incl. car keys, documentation etc) & having a strong minded ‘burly’ friend stay with you for a short while.

He read you well early on & has exploited you since.

Should he by some strange chance be a good guy after all, he’s done you a favour by encouraging your therapy & can only be delighted by your progress;-).

You might find a chat with Womens Aid helpful. They may offer practical advice about getting a cocklodger legally & safely removed.

Is this for real?

Pack his bags and change the locks.

It's not always about the money, let's be honest plenty of SAHM aren't earning (I'm one of them) but my partner could not work in his role if I wasn't supporting him and the family in other ways. It's a partnership. Are you equal partners? It doesn't sound like it at all. It sounds like he's taking advantage, is incredibly ungrateful and ignorant of what you do to earn a wage and wouldn't be prepared to put that level of effort or sacrifice in, if it was the other way round. How would he react if you lost your job and bills needed to be split 50/50? I think you know what to do and move on.

There is another thread running on nasty, abusive men. Read it.
For Christ sake don't get pregnant and ask the scrounger to leave. If he refuses get a solicitors letter.
I earn five times my husband, in fact he doesn't know what I earn. Is he here for my money? No but yours is.
Change the locks and up your game.
He moved in after six months shows me he targeted you. I bet he was living in shared accommodation or with his parents.
There are loads of these men out there. Little minds, little lives so they want yours. You're a victim now, don't be. You're stronger than you think.

When will you do it OP? Hoping it’s soon for you

He is an ungrateful loser. PLEASE don’t get saddled with him.
i am sure we could all list many many reasons why you should kick him out and also how completely toxic this relationship could end up if kids come into the picture.
Start the new year fresh - kick him out and change the locks, have nothing to do with him.
Be your own best friend - spend your money on yourself and your future. Spend some time thinking about what you want out of a good relationship and what it looks like to you, how you’d like to be treated, where you’d like to visit together… and then when you’re ready look for that.

It's difficult to see the 'real' him because he sold you such a great story of who we was in the beginning. How he is now is the 'real' him - the beginning was him love bombing you to trap you & it is hard to get out.

He is an abusive man.

It would be wise to have a look at the freedom programme to learn what good men say & do particularly as your father was unable to provide that.

Be very firm in your language when you ask him to leave. 'I would like you to gather your things today and leave my house'.
He has money from work or he's pissed it up the wall. Could he be doing drugs as you mentioned the aggressive driving?
He might counter with he's entitled to live there he's not. Unless he has a tenancy he doesn't and he has outstayed his welcome. If he starts on about paying for this and that he can provide a bank statement.
He can get a b and b, it's not your problem. Do make sure you have a friend with you.

Well you seem to have a lodger that doesn’t pay his rent, abide by house rules or treat his landlady or her property with respect- I believe mumsnet has a name for that
Think you should make a change and what better time than the new year

Try to get the Christmas present back so you can return it and LTB! You deserve better x

I had a BF like this about 20 years ago. I promise, once the dust has settled, you won’t regret ending it. Don’t let him cost you any more time or money.
Keep up with the therapy after, it’ll help you learn what healthy relationships look like. This is just advice I wish I’d had back then. Good luck OP, you are probably stronger than you think.

Go full Marie Kondo and discard what is not sparking joy!

And imagine how good it will feel to not be living with something who is dismantling your self esteem until you can no longer know what is true.

I imagine he will tell you he needs time to leave. He doesn't. He can go to a hotel and he can let you know when the binbags of his possessions need to be outside the door.
Telling him this will be much easier if you have a (preferably male) friend or relative to back you up so he can see that he won't get to stay just by arguing or making a scene.

Good luck. You'll feel so free once he's gone x

Get him told OP.

"You contribute nothing and I want you to move out of my house."

End it. Start the new year without him. Turn the page and have a lovely new start. You deserve better than this situation.

I had similar, a very long time ago now, when I was young and full of hope. I kicked my scrounging BF out of the door after the Christmas from hell and before the New Year.
For me, it was important to get him gone ASAP, especially before the new year as the rubbish finished ‘last year’ and I had a brand new, whole fresh new year to be me.
I highly recommend getting this cocklodger out of your home before Tuesday at midnight, it’s liberating.
It’s the weekend now, he can do a ring around. Take no crap OP. Get his stuff in bags and out. Modern locks are a doddle to change, by the way.

I could be completely wrong but any chance he has a drug problem? I’m struggling to see how he can have “many expenses” according to him when you’re the one footing any major bills.

Either way, drugs or not, he’s just not a very good partner to you overall. He needs to go.