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Original poster

Am I being taken advantage of?

221 replies

sillyantics · 27/12/2024 23:33

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years. He's lived with me for 2.5 of those (in my house). Throughout these years, he's been in and out of work. I've been consistently earning a very good income (more than 5x his income). I don't know if this is relevant.

My boyfriend is very defensive with everything. We've have arguments where he's left me in the middle of not great cities in the middle of the night and just leaves for days at a time if we fight. There's no "repair" in these incidents, it has to be me who apologises even if I did nothing wrong.

Over Christmas, there's been a series of events where I have felt very unwanted and neglected. He didn't get me a Christmas present and I spent £700+ on his. He's supposed to pay a small contribution to live in my house (that I bought before I met him), and on many occasions he hasn't paid it and I have to constantly remind him. His excuse is I earn way more than him so I should be able to shoulder it and he has lots of expenses that means sometimes he can't afford it????

At this point, I feel like I'm being taken for granted, but he somehow always manages to turn things around on to me and why I'm the bad person. I've never been a confrontational person, so I don't know if I am actually doing something wrong here or if I'm being taken for granted. He has a good life, in that I pay for everything apart from his personal bills. If we go out, I pay. I've paid for parking fines and holidays etc. He has never taken me on a date or anything, but he constantly makes me feel like, because I earn so much more, that I should be the one footing the bill for everything.

Am I crazy or am I being taken advantage of here? Also to note, he doesn't do anything around the house. We both work full time and I do all the cleaning, laundry, bins, etc because he "forgets" and I'm "better at it than he is". Writing this out I feel like a mug, but he has a great way of making me feel like I should be doing more.

OP posts:
ruddygreattiger · 28/12/2024 00:34

sillyantics · 28/12/2024 00:25

I've had relatives tell me this. Unfortunately, he doesn't have enough saved and I'm not sure why.

Show quote history

Then he goes to a hostel, sofa surfs with friends or goes to his parents/relatives.
For the love of christ get rid of this leech tomorrow, he probably thinks it's hilarious you let him sponge off you like this.

Projectmee · 28/12/2024 00:35

You’ve had plenty of good advice and confirmation that you’re being taken for a complete mug.

What are you going to do now?

CoffeeBeansGalore · 28/12/2024 00:35

Adding to the chorus of throw him out. It's the weekend. Deep breath & tell him to pack and go. Preferably have someone with you. Start the New Year with a peaceful home and your own space a quiet haven.

Rooting for you 💐

UpMyself · 28/12/2024 00:36

@sillyantics , that's because he has his feet under he table and has somewhere nice to cocklodge. The getting you to have therapy is drip, drip, drip persuading you that you are nuts.

Are you with my ex?
Get rid of the ABUSIVE twat.

Original poster
sillyantics · 28/12/2024 00:37

Projectmee · 28/12/2024 00:35

You’ve had plenty of good advice and confirmation that you’re being taken for a complete mug.

What are you going to do now?

I will be asking him to leave. I've had enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
sillyantics · 28/12/2024 00:38

CoffeeBeansGalore · 28/12/2024 00:35

Adding to the chorus of throw him out. It's the weekend. Deep breath & tell him to pack and go. Preferably have someone with you. Start the New Year with a peaceful home and your own space a quiet haven.

Rooting for you 💐

Thank you. Hopefully 2025 will be better

OP posts:
UpMyself · 28/12/2024 00:38

Don't ask,TELL him he's leaving.

Original poster
sillyantics · 28/12/2024 00:38

UpMyself · 28/12/2024 00:36

@sillyantics , that's because he has his feet under he table and has somewhere nice to cocklodge. The getting you to have therapy is drip, drip, drip persuading you that you are nuts.

Are you with my ex?
Get rid of the ABUSIVE twat.

Edited

Haha I hope there's not more of them out there. The therapy schtick was new to me, but it's really opened my eyes.

OP posts:
ruddygreattiger · 28/12/2024 00:39

sillyantics · 28/12/2024 00:37

I will be asking him to leave. I've had enough.

Show quote history

You don't ask him to leave, you TELL him he's leaving. It's your house, your rules.

Projectmee · 28/12/2024 00:40

sillyantics · 28/12/2024 00:37

I will be asking him to leave. I've had enough.

Show quote history

Well done! I hope you give him a strict time limit irrespective of his finances.

It’s not your problem if he’s chosen not to build up his savings while freeloading off you and receiving hundreds of pounds worth of Christmas presents.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 28/12/2024 00:41

Read back everything you’ve written here but imagine it was a friend asking your advice on whether this is a healthy, balanced and equal relationship.

He is obviously taking advantage of you and also seems to have abusive tendencies. You could no doubt do so much better!

Original poster
sillyantics · 28/12/2024 00:42

ruddygreattiger · 28/12/2024 00:39

You don't ask him to leave, you TELL him he's leaving. It's your house, your rules.

Show quote history

Thank you, I'm very bad with confrontation so it feels horrid. As we speak, he's in bed (MY bed) and I need to go to bed too so it feels WEIRD.

OP posts:
Allthehorsesintheworld · 28/12/2024 00:43

sillyantics · 27/12/2024 23:48

Gahh why is it so hard to see when you're in it???

Because it’s gradual.
Because it's usually one thing at a time and that hitting home makes you forget the previous ball that hit home.
Because there’s just the occasional nice moment that makes you think it’ll all be ok.

But the important thing is you’ve seen it now. Kick him out, change the locks, block him.

He might try I’ll pay £x a week, I’ll do more I’ll blah blah blah. It won’t last, it never does. It’s just to get him more free lodging thinking time til he moves on.

Original poster
sillyantics · 28/12/2024 00:43

MolkosTeenageAngst · 28/12/2024 00:41

Read back everything you’ve written here but imagine it was a friend asking your advice on whether this is a healthy, balanced and equal relationship.

He is obviously taking advantage of you and also seems to have abusive tendencies. You could no doubt do so much better!

Oh it's definitely not an equal relationship and I've told my friends to leave partners for less. I'm in therapy at the moment trying to figure out why I'm so weak with this kind of thing.

OP posts:
Projectmee · 28/12/2024 00:46

He has never taken me on a date or anything, but he constantly makes me feel like, because I earn so much more, that I should be the one footing the bill for everything.

Ah this is so sad, Op. What do you mean he’s never taken you on a date? My partner is quite traditional and covers most dates but I still make sure I take him out on dates sometimes and spoil him. It should go both ways.

And why would he not give you a Christmas gift? Even if he was unemployed he could afford something small at least.

I understand your dad is useless - mine is too- but please try and learn more about healthy relationships so you can recognise when you’re being massively disrespected and used.

I’m amazed you’ve been in therapy for 6 months and some of this hasn’t come up.

Or has it? Is your therapist aware of the dynamics in your relationship?

ruddygreattiger · 28/12/2024 00:48

sillyantics · 28/12/2024 00:42

Thank you, I'm very bad with confrontation so it feels horrid. As we speak, he's in bed (MY bed) and I need to go to bed too so it feels WEIRD.

Show quote history

If you think you will need help then get your friends around when you tell him. They can even help him pack. Don't forget to get his key or better still change the locks.

Original poster
sillyantics · 28/12/2024 00:49

He's literally never taken me on a date. It's always me saying "shall we go here" and then because I suggested it, I pay. I would have been happy with a box of chocolates or ANYTHING on Christmas, but instead he opened his presents and I had nothing.

My therapist is becoming aware of these things. I think I normalised it for so long and it's only just starting to surface how bad it is.

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 28/12/2024 00:56

Kick him out ASAP and put the money you’re saving towards even more intensive therapy to understand why you’re wasting your life with someone who

  • is way below your financial league
  • talks to you like you’re shit on his shoe
  • doesn’t pull his weight around the house
  • doesn’t care about your feelings
  • isnt making any effort to better himself
  • disappears for days after a fight then expects you to apologise to win him back like he is some kind of prize
Projectmee · 28/12/2024 00:57

There’s another thread on here about someone’s (relatively new) boyfriend who didn’t get her a present after she spent £200 on him and I thought that was bad - but this just takes the biscuit.

Your boyfriend has no shame and is quite frankly very cruel. I think you really need to start telling as many people around you as you can what’s going on. And they can remind you that this is an abusive and unhealthy one sided relationship whenever he gaslights you - then make a plan for telling him to leave.

I have no idea of his temperament but abusive men in general can be very unpredictable when they know they’re losing control, so if you need a friend to come over or wait outside in the car there’s no harm in that.

RachelGreeneGreep · 28/12/2024 01:00

Wake up and smell the roses, OP. He is a freeloader. Get rid.

RogueFemale · 28/12/2024 01:00

@sillyantics Am I crazy or am I being taken advantage of here? Also to note, he doesn't do anything around the house. We both work full time and I do all the cleaning,

You have to ask if you're being taken advantage of?! Well, yeah you are being used big time. He's taking you for a giant ride. Ditch him and find a much much better man than this.

DaringlyPurple · 28/12/2024 01:04

You need to act. Presumably, he leaves the house at least sometimes. Call in an emergency locksmith to fit new locks. Pack his stuff up - I'd be inclined to keep the 700 pound present because it was given under false pretences - and have it bagged on the doorstep for his return. Dont muck about with changing lock barrels and so on given it sounds like you have a bit of money. He has no rights to your house. He is just an unwanted guest. If he kicks off, call the police. Ideally a burly bloke on hand would be good but my mother would have seen this chap off waving anything from a poker to a pitchfork. (She was preparing to greet an intruder with a red hot poker and a very angry dog when he fled.)

Lostinmusic22 · 28/12/2024 01:06

Plenty of other freeloaders out there waiting to replace him op, so please get him out - change the locks and remain strong when he pleads with you not to take away his free meal ticket. However you need to finish therapy and work out why you are not demanding more from relationships, why you give too much of yourself and your resources. Learn to take care of yourself, your interests and value what you have so the next time a cf comes along you will run a mile.

Lostinmusic22 · 28/12/2024 01:07

And definitely keep his Christmas present. Bloody cheek.

R053 · 28/12/2024 01:18

Yes, if you hate confrontation, I would just change the locks, let him know you have ended the relationship and arrange for him to collect his stuff from a third party. Ask your friends and relatives to help with packing his stuff so it can be done quickly. They will probably be keen to help from what you have said. Once done, block him from all avenues of contact, as it will be all about how you have done him wrong and you are in danger of falling for it the more he is in your ear.

You deserve so much better than to be gaslit and treated like that. I am glad the therapy (which he intended to make you more compliant and easily manipulated) has ended up working in your benefit.