Am I being taken advantage of?

[sillyantics]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years. He's lived with me for 2.5 of those (in my house). Throughout these years, he's been in and out of work. I've been consistently earning a very good income (more than 5x his income). I don't know if this is relevant.

My boyfriend is very defensive with everything. We've have arguments where he's left me in the middle of not great cities in the middle of the night and just leaves for days at a time if we fight. There's no "repair" in these incidents, it has to be me who apologises even if I did nothing wrong.

Over Christmas, there's been a series of events where I have felt very unwanted and neglected. He didn't get me a Christmas present and I spent £700+ on his. He's supposed to pay a small contribution to live in my house (that I bought before I met him), and on many occasions he hasn't paid it and I have to constantly remind him. His excuse is I earn way more than him so I should be able to shoulder it and he has lots of expenses that means sometimes he can't afford it????

At this point, I feel like I'm being taken for granted, but he somehow always manages to turn things around on to me and why I'm the bad person. I've never been a confrontational person, so I don't know if I am actually doing something wrong here or if I'm being taken for granted. He has a good life, in that I pay for everything apart from his personal bills. If we go out, I pay. I've paid for parking fines and holidays etc. He has never taken me on a date or anything, but he constantly makes me feel like, because I earn so much more, that I should be the one footing the bill for everything.

Am I crazy or am I being taken advantage of here? Also to note, he doesn't do anything around the house. We both work full time and I do all the cleaning, laundry, bins, etc because he "forgets" and I'm "better at it than he is". Writing this out I feel like a mug, but he has a great way of making me feel like I should be doing more.

Blimey, he saw you coming didn’t he? He’s landed right on his feet. Of course he’s taking advantage of you. LTB sharpish, I mean he’s NEVER taken you on a date? How on earth did you even get with this loser?

I think if he won't leave, @sillyantics you can get him escorted from the premises by the police?

You have to ask strangers if you're being taken advantage of?

It's beyond me why you didn't dump him when he walked out on you in a strange city.

And you are still with him because???

If you feel that you might have trouble persuading him to leave just tell him you’ve decided to stop working as it’s all too much for you and you’re so glad he is so hardworking and supportive because you’re going to need him.
you won’t see him for dust.

@Minc keep your unhelpful advice to yourself. Seriously?
@sillyantics tell him ASAP and mean it. You're obviously successful and lovely yet living a miserable life.
Make like you're dealing with a tricky contractor and deal with it. Best wishes

OK OP. Think back to your first date or when you were first together. Then just before you meet up, some sends you a link to this thread and says this will be your life if you keep seeing this guy.

Would you have carried on or run for the hills?

When things are as bad as in your OP, it doesn't matter how good they were before, if indeed they were that good. But the heart justifies and makes excuses for all his imaginary good points and those laughs and memories.

But if you hadn't experienced any good yet to pull you back in and make you hesitate, but you could see 100% of your future in this moment via this very thread, would you bother?

Get rid of this user.

OP, there’s a New Year in the offing, what a brilliant opportunity - out with the old and in with the new!

He doesn’t bring any joy to your life whatsoever. The only thing he contributes is misery. You don’t need him. You don’t want him. You don’t need to put up with / suffer him any longer. Get rid as soon as possible and let the sunshine back into your life. Do it.

Best wishes to you and new beginnings. xx

if you were my DD I’d advise:

Get up tomorrow, say you’re going shopping. Go to a DIY store and buy replacement locks for ALL your doors (take pics and measurements before you go so you get the right ones), and a video doorbell camera for front and back of house if potentially accessible, ask friends/family to go back home with you as witnesses if he gets lairy and tell him to pack his stuff immediately and sling his hook. Call the police if there are any threats of violence. Film it on your phone.

Change locks - won’t take long unless you’ve got complicated ones and help. Mount cameras - will need a drill. Block his number and SM. Order a takeaway and let your feelings out over the weekend with the plaster ripped off. Re read this thread. It will hurt, you will be full of grief, you will worry you are overreacting. You’re not.

This guy has absolutely no conscience, no real love or respect for you and will not change. He has manipulated you into thinking you are the problem while you are paying for him to live in your home, doing all the chores and buying him expensive presents - imagine if you had DC together! Read up on sunk costs fallacy and move on learning to never allow yourself to be used like this again. You invested 3 years, great you dodged a bullet before being trapped into marriage and kids, don’t waste anymore of your life.

Good luck.

He's an abusive loser
Make 2025 a fresh start for you.

Yes you’re under his spell and being manipulated and eroded. It’s easy for us to sit here and say “wake up” because many of us don’t realise how sneaky and manipulative people like this are. Once they get under your skin and into your heart it’s easy to be blinded to their awful behaviour. You’re probably desensitised and numb to how bad it is.

If it’s like this now how will it be if you’ve just had an emergency c section and you need someone to look after your baby ? He’ll make a run for it. If you are sick and need the house cleaned ?

You may love him but right now you don’t really love yourself and that’s too high a price to pay. It’s not a partnership - you aren’t going to be able to build a life with him - infact he’s tearing you down.

Leaving you in the middle of a city is cruel and it’s not manly and protective. It’s weak behaviour - can you be attracted to that ?

However there’s a lot of people you could love, you clearly have a lot going for you.

Be brave and be single. It will be hard at first but you’ll be glad you did it. Change is always hard and scary, but once you’re free you’ll look back on this part of your life and wish you’d done it sooner.

Have courage and faith and leave and tell yourself to be strong and to not be sucked in and pulled back.

Don’t ask him to leave, tell him. He’s taking you for one hell if a rude and honestly, you’re being a twat fir allowing his freeloading arse to stay.kick him out now.

I hope by starting this thread and typing out your opening post, you have come to realise that he is what Mumsnet refers to as a, 'cocklodger'.

It's unfair, especially as you do all the work around the house.

Either he pays something towards living there - he would have to pay an awful lot more elsewhere - mends his ways, or he goes.

Give him a chance (and maybe suggest he pays for a fortnightly cleaner).

I'm not optimistic about this situation but you have let it go on - don't let it continue.

so you should be doing all the cleaning because you’re the higher earner too? On no it’s because you’re so much better at it. You’re so much better at it op because he gives zero shits about contributing around the house and hasn’t spent even 10 minutes trying. That’s the only reason. Get rid of this absolute waster as fast as you absolutely can and change the locks. If you can collect your presents to him and return them or gift them to someone who cares about you even better.

Please please my darling get him to move out WHEN HE WAKES UP!!

Don't let him have a week or a month or a couple of years to find somewhere else, and worn his way back.

Please. He's not your problem. I feel sick when I read your posts imagining you were my daughter putting up with that shit.

He may threaten all sorts (suicide etc) but I repeat he's not your problem. Get him out your home. Please darling if not today, do it before New Year.

Lazy cock lodging wanker!

Looking forward to reading an update tommorrow OP when by this time tommorrow he should be gone. Don't be soft - enough is enough.

I’m glad you’ve finally realised you need to kick him to the kerb, OP.

Something I noticed that you may want to think on , or talk about with your therapist -

It didn't start this way, he was a nice person then. It just seems to have gone downhill over the past 2 years.

But also

He's literally never taken me on a date. It's always me saying "shall we go here" and then because I suggested it, I pay.

and 6 months into your relationship he got kicked out of his home (do you know what - confirmed by sources other than what he’s told you?) and moved in with you “until he found somewhere” but never found anywhere, doesn’t pay for anything (still doesn’t take you on dates) and hasn’t saved enough to get somewhere himself. Are you sure he was nice for that first year? Because it sounds like he was a freeloading cheapskate right from the start. What did he do that made you think he was nice?

You’ve received some good advice . Kick him out , change locks , install security cameras, block his number, have a few friends as back up . Get rid of immediately. Importantly get some therapy as looks like you are attracting cock lodgers. His homelessness is not your problem .

Oh Jesus OP!! Read back your thread!
How do you feel when you’re with him? Does he support you, make you laugh? Do you feel safe with him? If you don’t have any of these things, why on earth are you wasting your time with this person?

OP, I was going to suggest writing a list of why you are ending the relationship before you have the conversation, but it looks like this poster has done it for you! Write it down on paper (and add to it if you think of other things) and know your worth! He will absolutely try and twist everything to make you feel bad, do not let him! Having it written down helped me massively, made me feel stronger in my decision whenever I read it or wondered if I was doing the right thing. YOU have to put YOUR happiness before HIS (like he has clearly been doing for so long).

Stay strong, it will be uncomfortable until he has gone, but it will be so worth it in the long run, image how happy and free (and rich!) you will feel.

Good luck, you've got this 😊

Please kick this poor excuse of a man out of your life as soon as possible. Take all the practical steps pp have suggested and don’t believe him when he says he’ll change - he won’t.

I really hope you kick him out today. He sounds absolutely horrible and has taken advantage of you from the start. Moving in by stealth, not paying his way, not doing his fair share and not spending money on you are all the classic signs of a cocklodger. So many women get themselves into such situations and the man is invariably strikingly similar to your ‘partner’.

Whatever he say, please do not listen. I’m wondering if he is also somewhat abusive as he turns things around on you. Have a look at the Karpman Triangle, where he draws you in and turns himself from persecutor to victim. And the cycle of abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to mean violence and can include emotional manipulation, lying etc.

https://www.listeningpartnership.com/insight/about-the-drama-triangle-and-how-to-escape-it/

https://www.verywellhealth.com/cycle-of-abuse-5210940

You can do this!
You don’t need a man. It’s nice to have one around, but only if he enhances your life.
This one definitely doesn’t,

Please know that he will wheedle and whine and tell you all the things you want to hear when you boot him out. Do NOT fall for it.

What might help keep you strong is working out the financial and personal cost of this relationship.

Work out how much he has cost you in living expenses, holidays, meals, entertainment. Have a good long hard think about the likelihood of him sticking around if you hadn't invested in his easy lifestyle. You could have used in the thousands of £££ on personal development, your mortgage, travel - he is stealing from you. Get angry and stop making excuses for this lazy, thieving cocklodger.