Am I being taken advantage of?

[sillyantics]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years. He's lived with me for 2.5 of those (in my house). Throughout these years, he's been in and out of work. I've been consistently earning a very good income (more than 5x his income). I don't know if this is relevant.

My boyfriend is very defensive with everything. We've have arguments where he's left me in the middle of not great cities in the middle of the night and just leaves for days at a time if we fight. There's no "repair" in these incidents, it has to be me who apologises even if I did nothing wrong.

Over Christmas, there's been a series of events where I have felt very unwanted and neglected. He didn't get me a Christmas present and I spent £700+ on his. He's supposed to pay a small contribution to live in my house (that I bought before I met him), and on many occasions he hasn't paid it and I have to constantly remind him. His excuse is I earn way more than him so I should be able to shoulder it and he has lots of expenses that means sometimes he can't afford it????

At this point, I feel like I'm being taken for granted, but he somehow always manages to turn things around on to me and why I'm the bad person. I've never been a confrontational person, so I don't know if I am actually doing something wrong here or if I'm being taken for granted. He has a good life, in that I pay for everything apart from his personal bills. If we go out, I pay. I've paid for parking fines and holidays etc. He has never taken me on a date or anything, but he constantly makes me feel like, because I earn so much more, that I should be the one footing the bill for everything.

Am I crazy or am I being taken advantage of here? Also to note, he doesn't do anything around the house. We both work full time and I do all the cleaning, laundry, bins, etc because he "forgets" and I'm "better at it than he is". Writing this out I feel like a mug, but he has a great way of making me feel like I should be doing more.

Have you told him to leave, OP?

It's hard because you're telling yourself it's hard

It's actually not hard

Change the locks and pack his stuff whilst he's out

You then say:

"Hello useless yukky freeloader. The relationship is over. Here is your stuff which I've packed for you. I wish you well. Goodbye"

Then you celebrate with all your new friends on MN and your RL friends and you start living your life for you

Stop kicking the can down the road.

youve probably known everything that has been posted on your thread and haven't found the strength to do the deed and get rid of him.

its tough, its unpleasant, you're probably dreading having to do it, but it gets to the stage you have to do the grown up thing and take control, not let this lazy git sponge off you and guilt trip you into giving him a roof over his head.

you aren't his mum.

you aren't a charity.

you are a successful, solvent woman earning your way in life and you don't need him sucking away all the benefits that you're slogging away for.

Why can't he pay his way? It's so easy to do and now you have to chuck him out.

You wrote here because you knew something was wrong. Everyone has agreed and you say that family members have pointed it out too. Why he has nothing saved or where he goes from here is very much not your problem. Free yourself to start next year without him dragging you down. You are strong enough.

Kick him out. Don’t fall for / listen to his sob stories about how he will be homeless. His problem. Not yours. Out.

What I think is fair when there's a large salary difference is work it out percentage wise. For example if your utility bills and mortgage/ rent is 10% of your monthly income, after tax, then you charge the other person 10% of their salary towards contributions. Not sure if it's feasible, but that's what I'd do.

Yes!!!

Thank you everyone. I guess I knew all this already, but I needed some kind of validation that I'm not the one in the wrong here. I'll keep you all updated!

Yes, taken advantage off. However, don’t beat yourself up. It was probably one of those situations that has crept up on you, and this Christmas has brought things into the open.

You can do this OP, we are rooting for you.

Go girl! You can do this!

This

Did you read any of the OPs posts? This clearly isn’t about her calculating a reasonable amount for him to pay.

He isn’t paying anything towards bills most months without being reminded, he doesn’t do the housework, and he didn’t bother with getting her a Christmas present.

He’s also never taken her out on a date and leaves for days after they’ve argued , and when travelling has left her in the middle of cities in the middle of the the night alone. This man doesn’t only not care about her - he sounds like he deep down despises and resents her despite her doing so much for him.

It’s gone way beyond “how much should he pay?” This is an abusive man she needs to get rid of asap.

Get your cocklodging freeloader out of your house asap. He has no claim to it and you can get the locks changed. He targeted you deliberately and probably gave you the big puppy dog eyes to boot.

Do continue with your therapy and work on your boundaries in relationships. Do also read Women who love too much by Dr Robin Norwood.

Be firm OP, tell him to leave don’t ask him. Be prepared for emotional blackmail, empty promises of change and desperate begging but as hard as it might be, don’t back down.

He’s not going to go quietly. He’s got used to his life of Riley being bankrolled by you and he won’t give it up without a fight.

You can do it, OP! I suspect he’ll argue a little and then do another one of his disappearing acts to punish you and make you rethink things .

If he does that I’d suggest you use the time he’s away to get a friend or family member over and help you to quickly pack up his stuff. So it’s lying there ready in the hall way for him to collect when he comes back.

Btw I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s other women and/or drugs involved when he vanishes for days. He’s certainly spending his money on someone or something and it’s not you.

Cause him to storm off.
Then change all the locks.
Pack his bags and send to his new address.

Stay strong....

This makes sad reading and hopefully you can make some wise decisions going into 2025

You moved a man in after only dating 6 months. Better to get to know someone first. You were still at the masking, showing yourself in your best light, stage then. It takes at least a year, maybe 2, for people to show their real selves. Even then, it's a bad sign if circumstances mean moving in, rather than moving together- either buy together, or rent together. Otherwise it's unequal, and always will be until legally married.

Lovely. You are being massively (!!) used here. What do you get out of this arrangement!? Very very little. Crumbs if that. He needs you more than you need him. Look at his actions not his words.
Could you have let him wake up Christmas Day with nothing? Of course not. Not to mention the rest.
He doesn’t really love you but loves the life you provide.
You can and will do so much better. On this one you must lead with your head not your heart. It’s wrong on every level. Be last thing you want atm but I’m wishing you by this time next year a true gent who loves, appreciates and looks after you a bit too. Good luck and be safe. Free loaders don’t tend to take end of gravy train well so be prepared for all being thrown at you but stay strong.

You are a strong successful woman . Imagine someone from work you don’t like much when you are telling him he needs to leave today. It helps take the heat out for you.
He obviously does have other places to stay because he’s left for a few days before. Get a friend over for moral support, they get to be a hero, all good.
Then you get your house and your life back.
Don't expect him to go without a fight as he has a lot to lose.

@sillyantics yes you are being taken advantage of.

His share of bills should always be paid first at the very least. He is massively taking the piss and the fact he isn’t contributing to the relationship itself if obvious.

Please get rid.

I definitely agree on the previous post about havign a crap dad has contributed to this situation. I would explore what you learned about relationships from your external peers and family in therapy. I would also advice looking at the freedom programme. Also look at chump lady online.