Am I being taken advantage of?

[sillyantics]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years. He's lived with me for 2.5 of those (in my house). Throughout these years, he's been in and out of work. I've been consistently earning a very good income (more than 5x his income). I don't know if this is relevant.

My boyfriend is very defensive with everything. We've have arguments where he's left me in the middle of not great cities in the middle of the night and just leaves for days at a time if we fight. There's no "repair" in these incidents, it has to be me who apologises even if I did nothing wrong.

Over Christmas, there's been a series of events where I have felt very unwanted and neglected. He didn't get me a Christmas present and I spent £700+ on his. He's supposed to pay a small contribution to live in my house (that I bought before I met him), and on many occasions he hasn't paid it and I have to constantly remind him. His excuse is I earn way more than him so I should be able to shoulder it and he has lots of expenses that means sometimes he can't afford it????

At this point, I feel like I'm being taken for granted, but he somehow always manages to turn things around on to me and why I'm the bad person. I've never been a confrontational person, so I don't know if I am actually doing something wrong here or if I'm being taken for granted. He has a good life, in that I pay for everything apart from his personal bills. If we go out, I pay. I've paid for parking fines and holidays etc. He has never taken me on a date or anything, but he constantly makes me feel like, because I earn so much more, that I should be the one footing the bill for everything.

Am I crazy or am I being taken advantage of here? Also to note, he doesn't do anything around the house. We both work full time and I do all the cleaning, laundry, bins, etc because he "forgets" and I'm "better at it than he is". Writing this out I feel like a mug, but he has a great way of making me feel like I should be doing more.

Time to get your life back OP. This thread is one of the saddest posts I’ve read on MN for a while. What kind of person could freeload, gaslight, storm off, go missing repeatedly as a punitive act, never want to resolve anything, blame OP, not pull their weight, use manipulation and cruelly not even give a Christmas present to someone who’s done so much for them!? This is far opposite to what love and a healthy relationship should be. Wherever he goes when he does Houdini surely he can go again. Absolute cad - actions speak so much louder than words. Start the New Year afresh OP and with a clear conscience. You aren’t doing it to him he did it to himself. Doesn’t sound like you asked for very much at all and even that too much. You deserve better. Just be prepared for him to throw all all you - possibly verbal abuse, threats to harm himself, tears, tantrums, phone lighting up - try and stay detached and in therapy. Call the police if you need to. You tried absolutely everything by sound of it and if nothing else make your Christmas present this year a vow to yourself to be in a much better position this time next year (when hopefully you can give us all a good news update). X ps Don’t beat yourself up either - we’ve all been equally as daft maybe just in other ways when it comes to our love lives at some stage.

You can do it OP. We are all rooting for you. Get your friends on board to help and make the break asap. Let him whine and cry and make threats and try to guilt trip you, it's not your problem though. He's an adult and where he goes next is HIS problem.

Good luck, and wishing you a great 2025 without him!

What do you think Mumsnet is for, if not asking advice from strangers? It's how many women realise that they've settled into a relationship that's really quite unhealthy.

And as for all the comments asking "How could you write that all down and not realise?" Well, that's the bloody point, isn't it? It's like counselling – it's the process of explaining the whole situation to somebody else which helps clarify it in your own mind.

So OP, please don't be embarrassed that you haven't seen it until now. Focus on getting that man out of your life.

Op you're not stupid I bet this was a slippery slope and he sold you a romantic dream and future faked like my ex did. Your bf sounds just like him- I'm also a successful kind professional they can see us coming a mile off, look at my user name and be warned

Ps read a book called 'why does he do that' by Lundy b

The road rage too! Are you dating my ex? He made me cry when I was pregnant as he was always checking his phone and speeding and I had to go to mediation before I let him drive our child

My ex also told me I was the problem and I needed therapy, after he punched a hole in my wall he emailed me to say I had issues and needed help

Op you need to leave safely. Does he ever go out? Does he have a car? Can you back up his essentials and stuff and change the locks when he's out? Is he planning anything social soon when you know you'll have a few hours?

Please don't enter into a conversation with him. You owe this abusive cocklodger nothing and do not need to justify your decision. I'm going to take a wild guess that after claiming to love you, be devastated etc that he'll be sponging off another woman in a month.

What I don't understand (maybe it's my age), why on earth would you put this leech (or any other) into your life, space and home.

@sillyantics you are a strong, successful woman. This person is no match for you.

Imagine if you were with someone who shares your work ethic, matches your income, and is worth your love - someone who makes your life BETTER instead of whatever this soul-sucking cocklodger is.

Urgh this! He checks his phone while driving and I HATE it, we've had so many arguments about it.

Thank you so much. Seeing it written out like that was a real "ooooof" moment for me!

You hold the power here.
Pack up his shit and kick him out and tell him to go freeload somewhere else.

I am sick to death of reading about men like this.

If you earn 5 times him, how much does he earns? 500 per month? What kind of a job he has?

Looks like you have ended up with a version of your dad

This 100%. Leave before you have children with this waste of space and it gets so much harder!

He earns ~£28k a year and is in a good job. I'm just a very high earner.

@sillyantics is he aware of the reality of your earnings?

You pay for his company and do everything for him as if he were a child. He will not want to give up his cushy life easily.

You need to get that fucking scrounger out. Get the police to remove him or whatever. He’s nothing but a parasite.

He wasn't for about the first year, but he is now.

@sillyantics i agree with everyone else, he’ll try to dig his heels in - especially if he is aware of your income.

Get him out ASAP. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this, but a 40 yo mooching off a woman in her 20s is bonkers. You will 100% find someone better.

Dear OP, the best Xmas and New year present you can give yourself, is to request he leave NOW. He’s not adding anything to your wellbeing and to coin the fabulous MN phrase he’s a classic cocklodger - does he even satisfy you in this department or is he selfish here also!

He can reach out to his family, friends, landlords, hotels and get housed in days, after this you change the locks and block all contact. RIP the plaster off and you’ll find your new self.

Do not fall for excuses, gaslighting, pleading or love bombing. You deserve the best.

Oh OP you've been played. He doesn't love you at all - he loves using you and taking whatever he can get.

Stop being a mug. Now.

The first time he left you was enough, why on earth would you apologise. I despair when competent successful women demean themselves just to any low level bloke.