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Original poster

Am I being taken advantage of?

221 replies

sillyantics · 27/12/2024 23:33

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years. He's lived with me for 2.5 of those (in my house). Throughout these years, he's been in and out of work. I've been consistently earning a very good income (more than 5x his income). I don't know if this is relevant.

My boyfriend is very defensive with everything. We've have arguments where he's left me in the middle of not great cities in the middle of the night and just leaves for days at a time if we fight. There's no "repair" in these incidents, it has to be me who apologises even if I did nothing wrong.

Over Christmas, there's been a series of events where I have felt very unwanted and neglected. He didn't get me a Christmas present and I spent £700+ on his. He's supposed to pay a small contribution to live in my house (that I bought before I met him), and on many occasions he hasn't paid it and I have to constantly remind him. His excuse is I earn way more than him so I should be able to shoulder it and he has lots of expenses that means sometimes he can't afford it????

At this point, I feel like I'm being taken for granted, but he somehow always manages to turn things around on to me and why I'm the bad person. I've never been a confrontational person, so I don't know if I am actually doing something wrong here or if I'm being taken for granted. He has a good life, in that I pay for everything apart from his personal bills. If we go out, I pay. I've paid for parking fines and holidays etc. He has never taken me on a date or anything, but he constantly makes me feel like, because I earn so much more, that I should be the one footing the bill for everything.

Am I crazy or am I being taken advantage of here? Also to note, he doesn't do anything around the house. We both work full time and I do all the cleaning, laundry, bins, etc because he "forgets" and I'm "better at it than he is". Writing this out I feel like a mug, but he has a great way of making me feel like I should be doing more.

OP posts:
murasaki · 27/12/2024 23:54

What does he bring to the party apart from sex? Bin. Immediately.

Original poster
sillyantics · 27/12/2024 23:55

murasaki · 27/12/2024 23:54

What does he bring to the party apart from sex? Bin. Immediately.

And not even that really, because I'm so turned off from his lack of doing anything that I just never want that. Vicious cycle... and then he complains about that too.

OP posts:
EG94 · 27/12/2024 23:55

sillyantics · 27/12/2024 23:53

Urgh I know. He constantly says I nag him and he does "more than I think" around the house. But when I'm loading the washing, doing the dishes, cooking dinner, putting the bins out.. I'm like, what ARE you doing?!

Show quote history

When my ex left in May, I was sad for a while, I still miss him. I’ve done the work to understand the abuse because fuck me im not doing that again! The very next morning waking up without him, I felt lighter. He also claimed to do so much for me.. 6 months on I’m still waiting for the moment to be like oh he used to do that.. but he did so much in his mind yet I haven’t noticed his absence

slightlydistrac · 27/12/2024 23:56

When he moved in with you, did you actually ask him to move in, or did he just move in by stealth? Where was he living before?

Original poster
sillyantics · 27/12/2024 23:56

EG94 · 27/12/2024 23:55

When my ex left in May, I was sad for a while, I still miss him. I’ve done the work to understand the abuse because fuck me im not doing that again! The very next morning waking up without him, I felt lighter. He also claimed to do so much for me.. 6 months on I’m still waiting for the moment to be like oh he used to do that.. but he did so much in his mind yet I haven’t noticed his absence

Show quote history

I lived alone before I met him and I LOVED it. And I genuinely feel like I would love living alone more than whatever this situation is now. I just feel so lonely all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
sillyantics · 27/12/2024 23:57

slightlydistrac · 27/12/2024 23:56

When he moved in with you, did you actually ask him to move in, or did he just move in by stealth? Where was he living before?

It was an "accident". He got kicked out of his last place and had nowhere else to go. So I said he could move in with me "while he found somewhere else". Spoiler: he didn't find anywhere else.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 27/12/2024 23:58

So he moved in with you after 6 months of dating, bet it was his idea so he could sponge off you. He has no claims on your home so please throw him out. And be more strict about not letting a man move in with you.

EG94 · 27/12/2024 23:58

sillyantics · 27/12/2024 23:56

I lived alone before I met him and I LOVED it. And I genuinely feel like I would love living alone more than whatever this situation is now. I just feel so lonely all the time.

Show quote history

So you wouldn’t feel any less lonely without him

Original poster
sillyantics · 28/12/2024 00:00

EG94 · 27/12/2024 23:58

So you wouldn’t feel any less lonely without him

Show quote history

No, I don't think so. There are some things where it's nice having company, but then I realise I'm doing all the things that makes that feel nice (like making us tea or bacon sarnies etc)

OP posts:
Original poster
sillyantics · 28/12/2024 00:01

Bananalanacake · 27/12/2024 23:58

So he moved in with you after 6 months of dating, bet it was his idea so he could sponge off you. He has no claims on your home so please throw him out. And be more strict about not letting a man move in with you.

It was a complicated situation where he got kicked out of his last place and neither of us really wanted to move in but he had nowhere else to go, so I said he could stay with me until he found somewhere. Obviously, he never found anywhere.

OP posts:
hiddeneverythin · 28/12/2024 00:02

He sounds awful

slightlydistrac · 28/12/2024 00:12

sillyantics · 27/12/2024 23:57

It was an "accident". He got kicked out of his last place and had nowhere else to go. So I said he could move in with me "while he found somewhere else". Spoiler: he didn't find anywhere else.

Show quote history

No shit. Well colour me surprised...

How staggeringly convenient for him that you just so happened to be able to let him move in with you at that very moment.

Endofyear · 28/12/2024 00:13

Honestly, what would you say to a friend if she told you what you've posted here? You'd say kick him out immediately! He's a lazy, selfish user and he's been treating you like a mug for too long - don't let him continue even one more day. Tell him to pack up his crap and get out of your house.

ruddygreattiger · 28/12/2024 00:14

Dear God if my daughter was in your position I would be broken-hearted she was being used like this.
Bin him now. He must have saved more than enough to get somewhere else to live, but even if not, that isn't your problem.

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 28/12/2024 00:14

OP, I understand you because I was in the same situation for years. I had a boyfriend like yours, long ago. Not quite so extreme but pretty bad: selfish, irritable, lazy, in and out of work, had frequent bouts of road rage, expected me to pay for everything (which I did), rude to my friends and relatives etc etc.

I let him live with me for years, while I was longing to break away all the time.

Why didn’t I just end the relationship? I tried many times but he always pleaded and swore he would change. By then, I didn’t want him, whether he changed or not! But I just couldn’t feel I had the right to do something which would hurt him so much. I kept on suffering because I didn’t have the courage or self-respect to stand up for myself.

When (after he’d nearly killed us both with his stupid road-rage driving) I finally broke, I and told him to leave, and this time I refused to take him back. It was like a miracle cure. I just refused to speak to him or let him in the house. To my surprise, he gave up fairly quickly, within a few weeks. With hindsight, he must have always known he was pushing his luck.

For me, it was like being let out of prison. A prison of my own making! I’ve never looked back.

Pleae OP, make the break. It’s like being reborn in a lovely fresh new life. I did it at this time of year, after another miserable Christmas ruined by him. The new year was absolutely joyful. Please do it xx

lauraloulou1 · 28/12/2024 00:21

I'm sure as you were writing this all down it was becoming clearer and clear. LTB. You could be having a lovely life without him - by yourself - or with someone who really cares for you. Maybe get some therapy next year and try to figure out why you determined to fix this guy? And how much of your energy you spending. But really do bin him. You both sound miserable. Good luck! You know what you need to do!

Original poster
sillyantics · 28/12/2024 00:23

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 28/12/2024 00:14

OP, I understand you because I was in the same situation for years. I had a boyfriend like yours, long ago. Not quite so extreme but pretty bad: selfish, irritable, lazy, in and out of work, had frequent bouts of road rage, expected me to pay for everything (which I did), rude to my friends and relatives etc etc.

I let him live with me for years, while I was longing to break away all the time.

Why didn’t I just end the relationship? I tried many times but he always pleaded and swore he would change. By then, I didn’t want him, whether he changed or not! But I just couldn’t feel I had the right to do something which would hurt him so much. I kept on suffering because I didn’t have the courage or self-respect to stand up for myself.

When (after he’d nearly killed us both with his stupid road-rage driving) I finally broke, I and told him to leave, and this time I refused to take him back. It was like a miracle cure. I just refused to speak to him or let him in the house. To my surprise, he gave up fairly quickly, within a few weeks. With hindsight, he must have always known he was pushing his luck.

For me, it was like being let out of prison. A prison of my own making! I’ve never looked back.

Pleae OP, make the break. It’s like being reborn in a lovely fresh new life. I did it at this time of year, after another miserable Christmas ruined by him. The new year was absolutely joyful. Please do it xx

Edited

Thank you so much for this. The road rage is real and I hate being in the car with him. And even then he says I'm being a bore because "this is how he drives". I just have such a huge aversion to hurting anyone else so I'd rather hurt myself. It's sad, but it's true.

OP posts:
Original poster
sillyantics · 28/12/2024 00:24

lauraloulou1 · 28/12/2024 00:21

I'm sure as you were writing this all down it was becoming clearer and clear. LTB. You could be having a lovely life without him - by yourself - or with someone who really cares for you. Maybe get some therapy next year and try to figure out why you determined to fix this guy? And how much of your energy you spending. But really do bin him. You both sound miserable. Good luck! You know what you need to do!

Writing it out has made it very clear. I've been in therapy for 6 months (at his request, because I'm apparently so difficult to live with). Little does he know the therapy has made me stronger!

OP posts:
Original poster
sillyantics · 28/12/2024 00:25

ruddygreattiger · 28/12/2024 00:14

Dear God if my daughter was in your position I would be broken-hearted she was being used like this.
Bin him now. He must have saved more than enough to get somewhere else to live, but even if not, that isn't your problem.

I've had relatives tell me this. Unfortunately, he doesn't have enough saved and I'm not sure why.

OP posts:
SnowFrogJelly · 28/12/2024 00:26

Of course you are being taken advantage of why are you still with him

SnowFrogJelly · 28/12/2024 00:27

Unfortunately, he doesn't have enough saved and I'm not sure why.

Not Your Problem

UpMyself · 28/12/2024 00:28

What on earth first attracted you to this loser? He's taking you for a complete mug.

healthybychristmas · 28/12/2024 00:30

Honestly, I would get someone to move in with you and I would tell him to get out that day. He can sell your Christmas presents if he needs the money that quickly. Before you tell him, make sure anything really valuable is out of the house. Do you have a father or a brother or a massive best friend who can stand next to you while you make sure he leaves?

Original poster
sillyantics · 28/12/2024 00:32

UpMyself · 28/12/2024 00:28

What on earth first attracted you to this loser? He's taking you for a complete mug.

It didn't start this way, he was a nice person then. It just seems to have gone downhill over the past 2 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
sillyantics · 28/12/2024 00:32

healthybychristmas · 28/12/2024 00:30

Honestly, I would get someone to move in with you and I would tell him to get out that day. He can sell your Christmas presents if he needs the money that quickly. Before you tell him, make sure anything really valuable is out of the house. Do you have a father or a brother or a massive best friend who can stand next to you while you make sure he leaves?

I have a father who's pretty useless, but I have friends who will help.

OP posts: