Am I being taken advantage of?

[sillyantics]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years. He's lived with me for 2.5 of those (in my house). Throughout these years, he's been in and out of work. I've been consistently earning a very good income (more than 5x his income). I don't know if this is relevant.

My boyfriend is very defensive with everything. We've have arguments where he's left me in the middle of not great cities in the middle of the night and just leaves for days at a time if we fight. There's no "repair" in these incidents, it has to be me who apologises even if I did nothing wrong.

Over Christmas, there's been a series of events where I have felt very unwanted and neglected. He didn't get me a Christmas present and I spent £700+ on his. He's supposed to pay a small contribution to live in my house (that I bought before I met him), and on many occasions he hasn't paid it and I have to constantly remind him. His excuse is I earn way more than him so I should be able to shoulder it and he has lots of expenses that means sometimes he can't afford it????

At this point, I feel like I'm being taken for granted, but he somehow always manages to turn things around on to me and why I'm the bad person. I've never been a confrontational person, so I don't know if I am actually doing something wrong here or if I'm being taken for granted. He has a good life, in that I pay for everything apart from his personal bills. If we go out, I pay. I've paid for parking fines and holidays etc. He has never taken me on a date or anything, but he constantly makes me feel like, because I earn so much more, that I should be the one footing the bill for everything.

Am I crazy or am I being taken advantage of here? Also to note, he doesn't do anything around the house. We both work full time and I do all the cleaning, laundry, bins, etc because he "forgets" and I'm "better at it than he is". Writing this out I feel like a mug, but he has a great way of making me feel like I should be doing more.

You don't need a solicitor, you need the police. He has no right to stay in your home. Ring the police and tell them he won't leave and get them to remove him.

How on earth has he been living with you for over a MONTH since you were going to kick him out? Glad you're on it anyway OP - don't give up!

Does he think he can just stay with you even though you are finished?

Agree with pp, Change locks. Get friend to stay for a while. He will soon slink off to new “love” AKA next victim.

Why do you even need a solicitor? It's your house. If he refuses to leave call the police and chuck his belongings in bin bags outside. Then change the locks as you can't be sure he doesn't have another key. And don't spare him another thought. He doesn't deserve it.

As other posters said he has no "rights" I would take the day off work ( pretend to go!) and change the locks while he is out put his belongings outside and call the police if he kicks off.
I got rid of an unpleasant cocklodger many years ago, he had me in such a state, that it took all my mental strength to do it, but I did do it, my goodness the sheer relief which kicked in about a week later. I found it emotionally exhausting at the time but so very worth it.
Good luck OP x

Have you called the police? If he has threatened to harm himself that is a 999 job.

this is not a cocklodger. This is an abuser.

Please call the police @sillyantics . I know that feels awful and wrong, but this behaviour is escalation and he needs to be out and the need to be aware so you are safe. This is eerily similar to my ex and he turned very nasty when I ended the relationship- I soon worked out why he had nowhere to go.

This! Police !!!

Or simply do it yourself - get a load of bin bags and/or cardboard boxes ( you can buy them from a storage place) and bag/box up his stuff. Can you take a day off when he’s working? If so, do it then, get a friend to help you with a van and move his stuff to a storage unit. Get the house locks changed. And then message him with the details of the storage place. Get it for as short a time as possible.

There’s no asking - he needs telling.

Warn the police beforehand if you think he’ll get violent and call them if necessary but do not let him back in the house. He can go to a mate or family or to a hotel and deal with his stuff later. Sorted.

He's been signed off work with the stress so he hasn't left the house for me to change the locks. I've been given such mixed advice about getting him to leave and he seems to have read up on his rights (but I don't know what he thinks they are??)

I don't understand this. It doesn't matter what he thinks he rights are. It doesn't include rights to your house and it doesn't include rights to be a freeloader.
Are you afraid of calling the police?

You need to speak to a solicitor. I don't think he has any rights as you aren't married, he isn't on the deeds of the house and doesn't pay any rent. He will need to leave the house sometime. How is he feeding himself? Is he eating the food that you have bought? I'd be really petty and put a lock on the fridge and cupboards.

It’s your house he doesn’t have any rights. You really need to stand up and say no you’re not welcome here a minutes longer. Get some male friends over and tell him he’s got an hour to pack up and go. Don’t ask him to leave TELL HIM.

Stop feeding him, don’t allow him to use your hot water, shower etc. Please tell us you’re not still sharing a bed with this freeloader?

He’s taking the absolute piss out of you now. Call the police and tell them he’s refusing to leave.

Since you're not married/no civil partnership, he has no right to be in your house now you've withdrawn your permission for him to be there. Wait until he goes out (he'll have to at some point) and then change the locks.

lawsociety.org.uk/public/for-public-visitors/common-legal-issues/cohabitation-your-rights

If one person owns the property
You will not usually have any rights to the property if you don’t own the property or a share in it, unless you can prove you have:

• contributed to the deposit for the house or the mortgage payments, or
• made a financial commitment, like paying for major work on the house, with the understanding that you would own a share of the house

This means if you split up and you are not the owner you have no right to continue living in the property. And unless it’s left to you in their will, you won’t automatically inherit the property if your partner dies. If you agree that you should both have a share in the property, you can transfer the property into a joint tenancy. A solicitor can help you do this.

He’s obviously shown he’s a shameless hanger on. Get 2 or 3 men (ie father, brothers, whoever) to go there, get his stuff packed and throw him out. It’s the only solution.

He’ll never go nicely.

Unfortunately this

He has no right to be there but in my experience (years ago, a lodger not paying rent) police were not very helpful

Might be different if he is an abusive man though, times are changing

The fact that he won’t leave when asked is already threatening

You have every right to switch off utilities & WiFi, and remove access to food

He will have to leave at some point but get someone with you for support now

How ironic!

a helpful pp has shared the legal position, which is that he has no right at all to stay in your house without your consent- so you can see it- you could also ring www.rightsofwomen.org.uk for advice. He is actually being abusive now, I would say- financially and emotionally.

I think at this point I would box and bag up all his possessions and put them outside, or in a garage if you have one and feel like it. Remove your important possessions to a safe place that he doesn’t have access to. Take all the food and consumables, and feed yourself out of the house. Switch off as much as you can, change all the passwords. If that doesn’t work, in a couple of days max, recruit some male friends to come and physically put him outside, then wait with you until the locks can be changed.

He is a parasite! He needs to be a net contributor to the household (combination of monetary and non monetary input), he's not. I want to chuck him out for you!

Have you phoned the police?

Call the police - explain that he is refusing to leave your property, you don't feel safe pushing the issue further but have already asked him to leave and now he's not even going out to work so you can't just change the locks whilst he's gone.

Do you have a friend who can be there with you whilst you do this?

Can you change the locks anyway (or remove his key) so that when he does eventually leave the house he can't re enter?