Am I being taken advantage of?

[sillyantics]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years. He's lived with me for 2.5 of those (in my house). Throughout these years, he's been in and out of work. I've been consistently earning a very good income (more than 5x his income). I don't know if this is relevant.

My boyfriend is very defensive with everything. We've have arguments where he's left me in the middle of not great cities in the middle of the night and just leaves for days at a time if we fight. There's no "repair" in these incidents, it has to be me who apologises even if I did nothing wrong.

Over Christmas, there's been a series of events where I have felt very unwanted and neglected. He didn't get me a Christmas present and I spent £700+ on his. He's supposed to pay a small contribution to live in my house (that I bought before I met him), and on many occasions he hasn't paid it and I have to constantly remind him. His excuse is I earn way more than him so I should be able to shoulder it and he has lots of expenses that means sometimes he can't afford it????

At this point, I feel like I'm being taken for granted, but he somehow always manages to turn things around on to me and why I'm the bad person. I've never been a confrontational person, so I don't know if I am actually doing something wrong here or if I'm being taken for granted. He has a good life, in that I pay for everything apart from his personal bills. If we go out, I pay. I've paid for parking fines and holidays etc. He has never taken me on a date or anything, but he constantly makes me feel like, because I earn so much more, that I should be the one footing the bill for everything.

Am I crazy or am I being taken advantage of here? Also to note, he doesn't do anything around the house. We both work full time and I do all the cleaning, laundry, bins, etc because he "forgets" and I'm "better at it than he is". Writing this out I feel like a mug, but he has a great way of making me feel like I should be doing more.

I’m ancient now but back in the 1970s there was an advert for something, possibly period pain relief or similar, which proclaimed “A woman is at the mercy of her hormones”. My friend and I used to joke about it. But now, reading all these MN stories about women trapped in relationships with UTTERLY USELESS NASTY FREELOADING WANKERS, I think it must be true.
For goodness’ sake, OP, just get rid. Today. Being alone is a million times better than this.

Sigh. What's the point of decades of feminism and mountains of books/articles if women still fall into the same traps and still don't develop standards and backbones?

Wow it’s very clear you’ve never found yourself embroiled in something until it’s too late. I too thought like you, only weak pathetic women get abused because they’re too stupid to see the signs. That was of course until me, a very strong independent woman was taken in by an abuser and it never starts badly! If it did, women and men would end it because yea wtf is this. It doesn’t!! It starts very well and they mirror you and listen to what you want and morph into it so you think you’ve found a great person. It’s only after a period of time the mask slips but you remember the person you met and you are now in a huge mind game where you don’t know which way is up. I don’t know why I’m explaining this to you, sadly I think you don’t have the ability to understand and I’m glad you don’t because you only “get it” when you’ve been through it. At the very least, keep your ignorant views to yourself.

New Year, new start OP - you deserve SO much better!

@sillyantics Is there any update? I hope you have claimed your life and liberty from this dud.

There's an update! I asked him to leave and broke up with him, but he's being difficult and refusing to leave. Bombarding my phone with messages, threatening to harm himself, all that good stuff. I've got a solicitor on board as it's my house and he has no right to be there.

Bombarding my phone with messages, threatening to harm himself, all that good stuff.
I had one of them that did that. He kept threatening to kill himself if I left. I left. Thirty six years later he is still breathing!!

The correct response to threats of self harm is:

"Well, remember to leave a note as it makes the Coroner's job easier, and don't expect me to send flowers."

Ask your solicitor whether you can just change the locks while he is out. He must have loads of money saved up after not paying for anything for three years so should be able to pay for a deposit on a rented property. If he threatens suicide, threaten to call the police.

I'd get the police involved @sillyantics - unless you gave him a tenancy agreement when he moved in his rights to stay are minimal once you've withdrawn your consent.

Good for you OP.

They all threaten to hurt or kill themselves, they rarely do it. Tell him he has until 5pm on Friday to remove himself, or you will call the police and your male friends to have him removed.

If he refuses to leave call the Police. He has no right to stay so he's trespassing.

As for suicide threats, do the world a favour chum. He's a waste of space.

What the last two posters said.👍
🤢

Who cares if he kills himself, not your issue. But why wait until Friday, give him until 5PM today, have you get male relatives to help kick him out

Well, he's made it abundantly clear that he doesn't care about you at all, and only wants to keep his nice cushy arrangement. Wishing you strength with this last hurdle, OP - life is going to be so much better without him!

Absolutely this. He’s shown clear as day he doesn’t care about you at all and just sees you as someone to bankroll his lifestyle and keep a roof over his head.

The threats and drama is because he’s seeing his meal ticket disappear so he’s resorting to desperate measures and emotional blackmail to preserve his freeloading.

Don’t fall for it. Stand firm and call the police to have him removed if he won’t go of his own accord.

Personally I’d get a couple of make friends over to assist his leaving asap

you now know you're being massively taken advantage of here but thank goodness you are not married. That will ease some things. I read your posts and it took me back to my appalling former marriage where I felt lonely, despite living with someone

BUT.... you are legally exposed. While we don't have common law marriage, if he's not paying his rent / contribution to bills, he does become a dependent cohabitee and you may end up having to pay him off to get him out.

I suggest the next time he calls your bluff by leaving you in the middle of a big city for several days / walking out etc, that you take advantage of the situation, box up his stuff and change the locks.

Tell the police your abusive ex partner is refusing to leave. Let them deal with him.

@sillyantics my abusive, older ex was constantly dangling himself off balconies, saying he was about to have a heart attack, etc every single time I tried to break up.

He eventually died, but nothing to do with me. In fact, he barely bat an eye when I left. They never actually care, it’s just to keep you around.

@sillyantics well done for telling him to leave - he's shown you by refusing to leave he was treating you as a meal ticket - I had one of those - gave him a week to leave - it took him a month - I arranged for my friends to move him out -he hadn't even packed! As you sound like a nice person - DO NOT let him leave his stuff in your house - you'll never be rid of it - set a time frame and hire a skip - I wish i had done that years ago - they cost about £200 - it will be money well spent - as you are no longer paying for everything ( mine was like that - felt entitled to a certain standard of living though!) .

Change the locks for goodness sake.
Bag up his shit.
Ring the police if he causes a scene.

send him a message, say he will be forcefully evicted if he doesn't move out. He has until x to pack up his shit, then it goes to the tip.
Let him go & top himself at his Mother's house

In the meantime, he shouldn't be in your house while you are out, he will help himself to all sorts of stuff.
Make sure you get the key back, & probably change the lock anyway.

Call the police and get him out op. He won't harm himself, he just likes his cushy life that he doesn't have to pay for. Even IF he did do aoething stupid, that's on him not you.

Good for you up! Onwards and upwards, get him OUT!!

So he hasn't left yet? Can you change the locks if he goes out?