My girlfriend hit me on Saturday and I'm lost

[NotJason]

This isn't easy to write, and I expect a lot of negative judgement, but I'd really value your open opinions and experiences.

I'm 35 (male), she's 30, we've dated for nearly 5 years and have lived together for the majority of that time (covid sped that up).

On Saturday we drunkenly left a party and started bickering as our phone batteries were low and we were struggling to get an uber. The alcohol was naturally making this worse as it's not an important topic, but we were stuck in the middle of an area we didn't know at 1am.

I flag a taxi as uber isn't working and we get in. She's still annoyed and is repeatedly saying how I always need to be right etc etc. I get annoyed and I rise to this in a childish manner, I'm not proud, my emotions too were up and down from the booze. I childishly respond that yes that's me, and I am always right, and when was the last time she was right. She then struck me in the face, which broke my glasses.

Since then she has been very sorry and has tried to look after me on Sunday. She's apologised a lot and has said we can talk when I'm ready. She says she'll stop drinking (not that she drinks regularly). We've talked a bit on Sunday about it.

Obvious questions you may have.... Do we argue a lot and has this happened before. We don't argue often, and this happened once before when drunk after a wedding about 15 months ago. Similarly we were arguing but this time in bed, she then struck me in the chest and kicked me off the bed, before being extremely sorry.

I know the knee jerk reaction is end it. But I love her and we live together. It's not perfect, but things have been improving since we started bi-weekly couples therapy about 6 months ago (not related to this, about improving intimacy and sex life).

Thank you if you've made it this far. I don't want to do anything brash, but I'm lost and don't know what to do next.

End it. Totally unacceptable. It has happened before, it will happen again. She has rage issues. You are not her human punching bag. You will find that plenty of women do not hit you however drunk they/you are.

Even if a person is being the most insufferable argumentative person ever whether drunk or sober, it is never acceptable to use violence. You can’t condone that by staying.

PS she’s lucky she’s not in trouble with the law after those acts of violence.

She's saying she'll do whatever I need. I've said I need some time alone to process which she's giving.

She's going to be starting her own therapy too.

These steps may not be enough/this may be a forgone conclusion, but these initial steps still feel helpful.

OP I'm so sorry you are going through this, it's an awful thing to happen.

For those (very) many of us who have been through DV, re your bolded words above, abusers all say this or at least along similar lines. There is an abusers and manipulators manual that must exist somewhere in the universe because we've all heard it at one time or another.

They will promise you the earth, they can change just give them time, they will get help, they just need time, they are so sorry, they love you more than life itself, I'll give you space, I'll do anything it takes to get you back.

They don't love you, they want to possess you and once they get you back, they do it again, it escalates, you lose your friends and then your family, sick leave increases, you make excuses for the bruises, you start needing hospital visits and they still tell you how desperately they love you and will do anything to change.

They end up despising you for letting them do it, often they put you on a tether of your own low self esteem. Sometimes they get bored with you as their plaything and move onto someone else to possess while keeping you safely tucked away at home as a reliable punchbag whether that is emotionally or physically, or both.

People who do this need help, but it is nothing you can help her with and she would be better off being single while she works on herself.

In the meantime you could be single yourself and working on yourself so you can find a good partner you deserve. What you don't deserve is this relationship it is appalling and it will get worse.

For your sake, get well away from her and quickly.

It seems best to end this relationship while you do not have children.

In this case the OP’s girlfriend struck him in the face during a drunken argument, and once kicked him in bed again when she was drunk. She has anger and alcohol problems possibly coming from childhood abuse and they will not just disappear on their own.

It worth remembering too that horrible, damaging abuse can also be perpetrated without so much as a touch, through grinding emotional abuse, coercion, manipulation, or financial abuse. Harm can also be caused to another by constant passive aggression.

@NotJason

I guess from your update that you are not going to take the advice given, nor take any action but will drift along in this abusive relationship

until she hits you again

maybe next time when she hits you so hard on the face that she breaks your glasses, maybe the actual glass will break next time and enter / damage one of your eyes

maybe you will end up with an injured eye

maybe you will end up blinded in one eye...

and the question of the nature of the strike I actually don't know. I wasn't looking at her at the time

@NotJason that was me asking. You might have been able to feel, even though you couldn’t see as you were facing forward, whether -

• she punched you with her fist, full force on the side of your head, or

• slapped you sharply with a flat hand in a stinging way that carries on stinging or,

• slapped you so hard with the flat of her hand and arm and body weight that it knocked you sideways.

( I know the difference of feel from experience.)

It is all aggression obviously but you might have got a sense of whether on her part this was deep ferocious, uncontrolled rage even if for a split second, or something easier for her to get interventional help for.

There is also something especially vicious to hit a person that is not expecting it wearing glasses.

You unfortunately sound determined to try and work this out.

Sadly.

Make sure your contraception is bullet proof.

Abusers love to trap their victim and a pregnancy could do that for her.

Be very very careful.

As I said earlier, I can imagine hitting anyone, but instinctively I feel that there's a huge difference between pushing someone in the shoulder (as an example) and aiming any kind of blow to the face. The latter is SO much more personal, and SO much more dangerous.

Would I forgive a shove? I don't know. But if a partner hit/punched/aimed any kind of blow to my face or head, I'd see it as something that the relationship could never come back from.

I agree, you are so right, the face is somehow very personal and particularly upsetting.

It is strange how things move on in society, in this case for the better, though some other forms of abuse may be worse now.
Slapping people in the face used not to be altogether uncommon at one point, as was parents smacking ( as opposed to beating) children, or slapping children in the face or on their hand. You sometimes see women in particular slapping men in older films too.

On the emotional side, just as men emotionally (as opposed to physically) abuse or control women, women can also emotionally abuse their partners by belittling, humiliating and haranguing them.

I think you know the answer. She's assaulted you twice. End it with this violent woman.

If you haven’t heard of it, please look up the case of Andrew and Sheree Spencer. There was a documentary about it which is probably still available on Netflix. These things slowly escalate over time and get worse and worse.

Of course she’s saying that. She will say whatever she thinks will make you decide not to end the relationship.

Literally none of this matters. He's being abused, end of. It's not up to him to parse why and how and to what degree.

I think you misunderstood the point of asking.

The OP wants to consider salvaging this relationship with his girlfriend whom he loves even after she has shown she can be unexpectedly physically reactive and aggressive. This is in spite of everyone advising him to get away while he can.

So he needs to think carefully how much chance there is of therapy and counselling really being able to change her.
Depending on just how rage- filled and uncontrolled she was, it may be more, or less, realistic.

I get that, but I don't think it's right really to go 'give it some thought and see if she's salvageable'.

If the sexes were the other way round nobody would consider saying that.

He is taking action.

Dude, end it before you have kids. She is abusive. What is going to happen when children come on the picture which adds pressure to any couple.
Intimacy and sex issues after 5 years being together at only 30s on top of physical (and I imagine also verbal) abuse?
Please leave and get some psychotherapy. Ask yourself why you love an abuser and why you are attracted to her. Is there a pattern in your previous relationships? Do work on yourself.

Leave her. I’d say exactly the same to a woman who had been hit by her male partner. The only acceptable amount of violence in a relationship is NONE.

Agree.

Any amount of violence should be a relationship-ender and I like to think that it would be for me. I also know that violence comes in degrees and one small shove on the shoulder that didn't even hurt much? Like I said I like to think I'd be out of there immediately. I've not experienced it. But in that scenario I can see why people might think "give him/her another chance."

However in this case it's not the first time, it's the second. It's not a small shove that didn't hurt, it's a strike directed at the head of a glasses-wearer that broke something essential for their life (at not inconsiderable expense) and could have caused serious injury.

There's no grey area any more. There's no second chance because this was the second chance. This isn't a one-off, it's become a pattern and it's an escalating one.

"I know you love her, but it's over, mate.."

What would you tell your best mate, your brother, your dad, if some woman had several times physically assaulted him?

She hit you hard enough to break your glasses? Who pays is irrelevant.

She crossed a line, and she did it again. She'll keep doing it.

Some women can be vile.

One of the things with female on male violence is that men are still likely to be socialised not to harm women. To know if he hits her in defence he'll be portrayed as the bad guy. To feel shame at being physically abused by a woman.

And alcohol seems to play its part here. It doesn't seem to sit well with either of you so you both need to look at that.

But my advice is the same as I'd give to a woman being hit by her partner.

Leave.

Unless she is willing to completely give-up drinking. This will keep happening. Some people become aggressive and violent when drinking, but never when sober. That is no excuse if they continue to drink because in making that choice, they are choosing to do it again. I think if it has never happened when not drinking, I might be willing to continue with the relationship if they sincerely gave up drinking.

Once could be an out of character act. Twice in 15 months is a pattern. Get the hell away from this abusive cow. If you stay it will probably start to happen more frequently.

There is an element involved in hitting someone where you can see is some senses a woman hitting a man is less bad than vice versa because generally they are physically weaker, but I expect in reality being hit by someone who is meant to love you breaks something far more precious than your glasses.

I couldn't stay after that.

I have seen cases of female abusers before, and what they lack in physical strength is irrelevant, they can break down their partner completely. It can sometimes be hard to see, so think carefully...

Was she very keen from early on? Flattering you? Sharing your interests?
Did she tell you stories about horrible exes?
Did she want to move the relationship very fast? Living together quickly?
Has she ever tried to control you at all? Even with things like tears or jealousy?
Does she have extreme mood swings?
Does she manipulate you?
Do you ever feel you are walking on eggshells?

Think carefully.

I struggle to imagine hitting my husband, I wouldn't be capable so there is a problem here beyond drink. Moreover we do not get contemptuous with one another.