My girlfriend hit me on Saturday and I'm lost

[NotJason]

This isn't easy to write, and I expect a lot of negative judgement, but I'd really value your open opinions and experiences.

I'm 35 (male), she's 30, we've dated for nearly 5 years and have lived together for the majority of that time (covid sped that up).

On Saturday we drunkenly left a party and started bickering as our phone batteries were low and we were struggling to get an uber. The alcohol was naturally making this worse as it's not an important topic, but we were stuck in the middle of an area we didn't know at 1am.

I flag a taxi as uber isn't working and we get in. She's still annoyed and is repeatedly saying how I always need to be right etc etc. I get annoyed and I rise to this in a childish manner, I'm not proud, my emotions too were up and down from the booze. I childishly respond that yes that's me, and I am always right, and when was the last time she was right. She then struck me in the face, which broke my glasses.

Since then she has been very sorry and has tried to look after me on Sunday. She's apologised a lot and has said we can talk when I'm ready. She says she'll stop drinking (not that she drinks regularly). We've talked a bit on Sunday about it.

Obvious questions you may have.... Do we argue a lot and has this happened before. We don't argue often, and this happened once before when drunk after a wedding about 15 months ago. Similarly we were arguing but this time in bed, she then struck me in the chest and kicked me off the bed, before being extremely sorry.

I know the knee jerk reaction is end it. But I love her and we live together. It's not perfect, but things have been improving since we started bi-weekly couples therapy about 6 months ago (not related to this, about improving intimacy and sex life).

Thank you if you've made it this far. I don't want to do anything brash, but I'm lost and don't know what to do next.

It is very possible for a woman to injure a bigger man especially when hit from behind or to the head. And the OPs girlfriend does sound like she has emotional control issues. And a female abuser is significantly more likely to portray a male victim as an abuser. Needless to say the police will have to assume the worst. Not drinking is good advice but a distant second to just finishing with her.

“Imagine what she could do to a screaming baby or tantrumming toddler”

someone who is moved to violence when feeling emotional / overwhelmed is NOT someone you want to be coparenting young children with. I am hugely peaceful + not-an-angry person and sometimes my children push my buttons and I want to walk into to a dark room and scream into a pillow with frustration. They’re lovely, happy, loved children - who are absolutely maddening sometimes because they’re small and irrational.

the absolute last thing a vulnerable child needs is someone who resorts to violence in the face of stress.

A couples therapist will not work with you if there is domestic violence involved. The only way that can happen is if you lie about it.

Think about that for a second, you would have to lie to a counsellor that no violence has occurred so that they would engage with you.

Please end things with her.

I'm obviously very invested in her and us. I take it onboard what you're saying, it's just a truly sad thought to give up

After 5 years of course you feel sad OP, but not as sad as you'd almost certainly come to feel if you continued this - to say nothing of the message that would give that it "wasn't that bad"

A drunken, genuine one-off might be one thing, but this is a pattern. Add to that the other angst you're going through with her, and for most it would be just too much

Since she's claimed she'll do "whatever you need" I'd hope a breakup can be done calmly, but wouldn't want to assume that so would advise you to be careful

It's a big thing to accept. It takes on average seven attempts for someone to leave their abuser, so it's entirely natural that you find this situation a struggle.

I have been in a similar position to you in the past, so I understand how hard it is to extricate yourself and how much of a headfuck it is that you're dating two very different people in one. But I promise the best thing is to leave. The bad side always comes back. It's a case of how many more times you want this to happen before you leave.

I really wish you all the best. Please don't feel bad if you can't leave right away. This has to be your decision. We can only give you advice, but we'll keep giving it if you need.

If you stay she'll do it again. Do you want children? How could you raise children in a household where they could be exposed to that, especially if it escalates which physical abuse often does. It's ok to love someone but still walk away.

She’ll do it again. They always do. People who act on those compulsions always hit again.

She then struck me in the face, which broke my glasses

Jesus.

Not acceptable. Leave her.

@Lamplighton Disgusting abuser apologist posts. Are you for real? Would you tell your daughter "well he only hit you once so I wouldn't go to the police". I am absolutely stunned at some of the posts here. Because it's a man as the victim.

Because a crime was committed? He's well within his rights to press charges.

Utter bollocks, some women are very strong or could use weapons. Give your head a wobble.

Dump her, she's trying to see what she can get away with because she's female. She is an abuser and you need to dump her and report her for assault.

I know it is painful to face it but I would end things. She could blinded you in a moment of anger. I wouldn’t dream of doing this to someone I love. You deserve better than this. 🙏🏼

Call the Men's Advice Line (801 0327 0808 801 0327) for specialist support

I consider childhood trauma a red flag these days and would not aim to date anyone who has experienced it. Yes it's sad for people it's happened to, but the baggage it causes, and poor behaviour they can display, then makes it your problem also, which it needn't, and its totally fair to walk away from it.
I think at the least you should live apart and she should get counselling for it. She needs to do a lot of work on herself and may always have a tendency to resort to violence when angry or frustrated.
You have a choice, to be with someone who could react violently, or to be with someone who you trust never would. If you see a future with DC's, she's not a safe bet. To keep in this, likely will lead to a harder life for you.

I actually think you can probably get through it but I live in normal land and not mumsnet land

Well would you want little children, who can be very tiring and annoying - should you have any - be exposed to possibly inevitable violence from this woman who cannot control herself?

I read your posts earlier today, and didn’t reply because I ramble and would have exposed too much of what ended up happening to my son.
It will probably escalate, you need to cut your ties now.

I came back to find your post, as have just been watching 24 hrs in police custody on Ch4.

I advise you and @alexdgr8 to watch it.

Totally agree with pps violence is usually a sign that the relationship is done and its time to walk away. This isn't healthy for either of you and she's being abusive.

Why would anyone want to 'get through' being hit and kicked by their partner?

That's certainly not normal.

Me too. I think it is a game for some people on here to encourage people to end their relationships.
The OP has been with his partner for 5 years and she has hit him twice. Of course that is unacceptable but if he loves her then he can encourage her to apply herself to her therapy and work through it.

What utter garbage.

But genuinely why? They're not married, they don't share property, they don't have kids.

There's absolutely nothing to keep them together, and actual domestic violence should keep them apart.

WTF are you two actually on about. If your mate said she'd been kicked and hit by her partner would you say 'well it's real life innit, you can probably sort it out'?

1. It was a police officer who told me that after 2. my being arrested for malicious allegations of physical abuse.

So no. Not 'keeping my thoughts' to myself :)

How many times does she have to hit him in 5 years for it to tip into being worth breaking up over?

Hey, her pets and friends probably love her too - how many punches would you expect them to work through?

Why would you encourage someone to stay in a relationship where they're getting hit?

And yeah, to those who wondered if I would ask - if I was in a room with both, yep I would ask for both sides. That's what the police do too. Sadly we don't get the opportunity to do that here. It's dog-piling here, yet when it comes to sticking up for women in RL, few women intervene, IME.

As for minimisation, as I said, I'm not saying one type of assault is 'better' than another, but if it suits to ignore what I've written, so be it.