My girlfriend hit me on Saturday and I'm lost

[NotJason]

This isn't easy to write, and I expect a lot of negative judgement, but I'd really value your open opinions and experiences.

I'm 35 (male), she's 30, we've dated for nearly 5 years and have lived together for the majority of that time (covid sped that up).

On Saturday we drunkenly left a party and started bickering as our phone batteries were low and we were struggling to get an uber. The alcohol was naturally making this worse as it's not an important topic, but we were stuck in the middle of an area we didn't know at 1am.

I flag a taxi as uber isn't working and we get in. She's still annoyed and is repeatedly saying how I always need to be right etc etc. I get annoyed and I rise to this in a childish manner, I'm not proud, my emotions too were up and down from the booze. I childishly respond that yes that's me, and I am always right, and when was the last time she was right. She then struck me in the face, which broke my glasses.

Since then she has been very sorry and has tried to look after me on Sunday. She's apologised a lot and has said we can talk when I'm ready. She says she'll stop drinking (not that she drinks regularly). We've talked a bit on Sunday about it.

Obvious questions you may have.... Do we argue a lot and has this happened before. We don't argue often, and this happened once before when drunk after a wedding about 15 months ago. Similarly we were arguing but this time in bed, she then struck me in the chest and kicked me off the bed, before being extremely sorry.

I know the knee jerk reaction is end it. But I love her and we live together. It's not perfect, but things have been improving since we started bi-weekly couples therapy about 6 months ago (not related to this, about improving intimacy and sex life).

Thank you if you've made it this far. I don't want to do anything brash, but I'm lost and don't know what to do next.

I read this in the OP,

“I childishly respond that yes that's me, and I am always right, and when was the last time she was right. She then struck me in the face, which broke my glasses.”

It is hard to make out from this that it was a punch.

This is still showing her underlying angry, aggressive character especially showing up when she is drunk, and is very wrong, but it is different in nature to what you described.

My father hit my mother on a few occasions (as well as hitting me and my siblings). I assumed that was common in those days (70s and 80s) but not sure if it is these days.

I couldn't give a shit who told you.

If someone comes to a chat forum and says they've been physically assaulted twice by their partner, you don't tell them you 'wonder what the other side of the relationship is'.

Because

1. It doesn't matter, there's never a good reason for domestic violence.
2. You'll only ever get one side of the story on a chat forum.

No need to be so rude.

On the contrary, I think there's every need to be blunt (or rude if that's what you want to call it).

It makes me sick to my stomach when the domestic violence apologists start with their nonsense.

I'll be honest with you mate - my mum was like this (violent with dad, and violent with us) and it wasn't fun. I assume you'll want to have kids and from experience, having a violent mother is extremely disturbing and makes life miserable. If your GF can't keep her cool with you during fights she will struggle to keep her cool with kids, who are much more annoying and much more defenseless. I do understand why you want to stay in the relationship but I'd keep that in mind.

Sorry but if it’s like this now it’ll only get worse further down the line when you add in kids and other stressors.

Nah, fuck that mate. Time to go.
She broke your glasses and this isn't even a one off behaviour wise.

She's got entirely too comfortable using her fists.

Sorry love, but ltb.

Sorry OP, the whole situation sounds horrible x

She is not going to stop being violent when she's had alcohol is she.?

Can you trust her to stay off it then?

As a person who had a violent partner I'd say get out now. Being hurt because you split with her is going to be less painful than living a life with her when you have no idea whet n violence will start or just how injured you will get.

Leave her. This will get worse.

Not healthy tbh and you both need to walk away

Let her go. You deserve to be with someone way better than this.

If you're having to go for counselling now, before marriage and kids, it's already over. You're really young, you've got plenty of time to meet someone who's a much better fit for you.

Use your time at therapy to understand why you're sticking in a relationship that's not working for you. Raise your bar OP. No one should be kicking and punching you.

You're in a strong position, you have your own flat and a good job. You're 35... the prime age for meeting someone who's loves and cares for you. Tell her to leave and start a new life free from violence, counselling and a rubbish sex life.

What she did was very violent and could have damaged your eyesight.

If I was advising a woman I would advise you photograph your injuries and glasses and consider reporting to the police.

She is a very violent woman and this is serious domestic abuse.

This will not get better.
Do not inflict her on your child.

I appreciate this is really hard and painful, but you need to see the bigger picture and your long term future.

If you were my son I would beg you to be brave and choose yourself.

You cannot fix her.
You cannot fix an abusive person.
You can only save yourself.

Choose you, your life, your future.
You WILL meet someone else.

It’s abuse. Get rid of her. She won’t change. She will apologise and make excuses. I’ve been drunk many times and I’ve never once lifted a hand to my husband, or any previous bf for that matter. Booze is no excuse. It doesn’t matter if it’s a man or a woman, abuse is abuse and you don’t deserve it. End the relationship and consider reporting it to the police. You might want to contact Mankind for support and advice.

mankind.org.uk

I had a boyfriend whom I adored. He hit me, once, and that was it. For me it is a deal breaker. You need to leave. Please don’t believe all the ‘I’ll never do it again’.

but maybe she just needs some love and support. He said their relationship had been improving since they started therapy.

//

If OP was your son who has twice now been hit and once hard enough to break his glasses in the back of a cab (so GF not fazed by presence of a witness) would you honestly be saying this to him? What happens if next time she has something she could use as a weapon on her or close by? Would you just suggest a few more therapy sessions?!!

Absolutely

And even if we were to agree it's not as bad of a woman does it what happens if a few years down the line she lashes out at their child? Who is smaller than her?

What then?

I bet most of the violence apologists would be frothing at OP for allowing his child to be living with an abusive mother

And think of the logistics in the back of that cab people -

Both sat in the back at separate ends assuming with belts on. OP facing forward. In order to knock someone's glasses off you would need to likely be turned round in your seat. You need to have some real anger in you. This is pre meditated and not just a slap.

And with a witness.

She probably counts on people like some here excusing it coz It's Not As Bad if A Woman Does It

Showing her true colours unfortunately. I'd end the relationship as she isn't going to change. Turn the situation around and ask yourself what advice would you give a female if she was in a similar situation to you. You'd tell her to leave as its abusive.
Sorry this is happening to you but you do need to leave before it gets worse. Have you seen 'my wife my abuser' on netflix? Give it a watch if you haven't.

Good luck and stay strong 💪🏼

I wonder if the OP will come back?

Thank you all for your kind words and considered thoughts. I think I will try calling MenKind or similar, there's a lot of emotions as you can imagine. Logically, I can see your points.

She is staying with a friend tonight and likely most of this week at my request. Then she'll go for a weekend away (pre-planned).

She's saying she'll do whatever I need. I've said I need some time alone to process which she's giving.

She's going to be starting her own therapy too.

These steps may not be enough/this may be a forgone conclusion, but these initial steps still feel helpful.

I value all your inputs, I've not wanted to open up to anyone I know yet. Your advice has been very valuable ❤️.

Ask yourself what you would advise your own son to do.

I think your girlfriend has some very deep-rooted problems.

Good luck and keep safe.

You are being abused and should end the relationship before you are hit a third time. Presumably she was really sorry after the first time yet it happened again… It WILL happen again.

I'm sorry OP, adding my voice to the many that are advising you to end the relationship.

We should always have a zero tolerance for violence because it never stops after the first strike.