My girlfriend hit me on Saturday and I'm lost

[NotJason]

This isn't easy to write, and I expect a lot of negative judgement, but I'd really value your open opinions and experiences.

I'm 35 (male), she's 30, we've dated for nearly 5 years and have lived together for the majority of that time (covid sped that up).

On Saturday we drunkenly left a party and started bickering as our phone batteries were low and we were struggling to get an uber. The alcohol was naturally making this worse as it's not an important topic, but we were stuck in the middle of an area we didn't know at 1am.

I flag a taxi as uber isn't working and we get in. She's still annoyed and is repeatedly saying how I always need to be right etc etc. I get annoyed and I rise to this in a childish manner, I'm not proud, my emotions too were up and down from the booze. I childishly respond that yes that's me, and I am always right, and when was the last time she was right. She then struck me in the face, which broke my glasses.

Since then she has been very sorry and has tried to look after me on Sunday. She's apologised a lot and has said we can talk when I'm ready. She says she'll stop drinking (not that she drinks regularly). We've talked a bit on Sunday about it.

Obvious questions you may have.... Do we argue a lot and has this happened before. We don't argue often, and this happened once before when drunk after a wedding about 15 months ago. Similarly we were arguing but this time in bed, she then struck me in the chest and kicked me off the bed, before being extremely sorry.

I know the knee jerk reaction is end it. But I love her and we live together. It's not perfect, but things have been improving since we started bi-weekly couples therapy about 6 months ago (not related to this, about improving intimacy and sex life).

Thank you if you've made it this far. I don't want to do anything brash, but I'm lost and don't know what to do next.

If you were female I'd be telling you to finish the relationship.

I'm still telling you the same thing - it's up to you whether you give her a second chance but personally I couldn't.

End the relationship.

Call the police and have her removed from the house.

Nope, you need to end it. Even if yuo want to take some responsibility (and it's not clear from your posts that you should, but I know that many peopel in physically abusive relationships find it hard to think they don't have a part to play), that doesn't change the fact that her behaviour is not okay. and that therefore this isn't working.

It’s not knee jerk to end a relationship with someone who is physically violent to you on multiple occasions.

It’s eminently sensible.

If she was serious about not drinking she’d have stopped. My DH frighted me (didn’t actually harm me, just scared me that he was going to hurt himself by being stupid) when he was drunk after a very difficult funeral. That was 14 years ago and he’s never touched alcohol since because he won’t risk it happening again.

You gave her a second chance. She’s lashed out (and smashing your glasses on your face could have been horrendous if your eyes had been injured) again so walk away.

I think you need to end the relationship. Violence and aggression are never okay no matter what the sex of the perpetrator is.

Alcohol is no excuse either.

She's shown you who she is. She has abused you.

Please watch 'My Wife, My Abuser' on netflix - and see how not leaving now could end up in 20 years time.

Please please leave her.

Hitting someone is never OK and being drunk is not an excuse in my opinion.
You also have other issues in your relationship for which you are already in therapy.

You know the answer i think - you haven't mentioned children so I presume you don't have any which is good and makes things easier.

You need to end things.

Do you rent or jointly own the home? Unfortunately it's time to work out the financial and practical decisions regarding separation. Can she go and stay somewhere else for Christmas period while you work that all out?

Up to you if you want to withstand the physical abuse, but spousal/relationship abusers only escalate.

First of all, yes it sounds like you were being a dick, but it seems you accept that; and no, it does definitely not make it acceptable to hit you in this situation.

One thing from your situation that’s positive is that she seems genuinely remorseful, and is prepared to give up drinking. It sounds like she should give this a go. Drinking is fine for most people, but there definitely are people - male and female - for whom it just flicks some sort of switch.

My thoughts exactly. These incidents will start getting less few and far between.

Shes assaulted you and you are in counselling for other issues - end the relationship its done

Same advice I’d give if the genders were reversed- leave.

How horrendous OP, I'm sorry, go.

You only moved in together during covid but having couples therapy regarding intimacy?

It sounds like a 'struggle' relationship. I only see more drama ahead. Your communication style is defensive and retaliatory. Which leads to escalation. So I think you should leave and then you both remain single for some time. Definitely do not have kids together.

Leave.

Physical violence is never acceptable.

I’m not sure I’ll jump on and say she’s an abuser - without being there we don’t know if you were in her face aggressive and triggered her defences. But this isn’t a healthy relationship either way and needs to end. Once these patterns set in they only get deeper.

It's happened twice. That really worries me. If it happened once I would give a loved one a single chance on two conditions - they went sober and attended AA or equivalent, and they attended a course on managing violence.

But it has happened twice. So I think you need to split up with her. Please please don't think because you are a man and she is a woman that this is not DV. It is. And though cases are rare, some are shocking. It won't get better.

If you were my son I would be packing her bags for you and sending you for counselling.

It doesn't matter how much of a knob a person is being, they never deserve to be hit OP. It always comes from a place where wanting to hit you other times but hasn't happened. Ones a line like that has been crossed there's no going back.

You may want to ignore it and give another chance and that's up to you. But once you forgive, you now have a green light and it does happen again. Get at least an escape plan so you can leave her next time.

As @SereneCapybara says it happened twice so it’s a pattern in this relationship and it’s physical abuse and DV.

I also agree with the counselling so you don’t fall into the same patterns again.

Obvious questions you may have.... Do we argue a lot and has this happened before. We don't argue often, and this happened once before when drunk after a wedding about 15 months ago

Missed this, it's over dude. Time to get rid. She's got contempt for you and there's no going back from that.

Leave, the relationship it is dysfunctional and toxic. That s an extreme reaction to a fairly innocuous day to day situation.

Women live in fear of their lives from abusive men because they kill women and do untold physical harm to them at an inordinate rate, the same is much less true in reverse, so getting out of the relationship should be relatively safe for you to do but I still would not sit on my hands about getting it done in case things escalate.

If you've only been together five years and you're already doing couple's therapy, it's probably best to just end things. In the next relationship, don't get into the habit of bickering.

He's been assaulted twice.

How many more times would you like him to be assaulted?

These sort of people don't go quietly. You need a paper trail in place for when they deny it/refuse to leave/accuse the other person of worse things.

Quoting fail. That was in reply to the numpty who thought my post was dramatic.