My girlfriend hit me on Saturday and I'm lost

[NotJason]

This isn't easy to write, and I expect a lot of negative judgement, but I'd really value your open opinions and experiences.

I'm 35 (male), she's 30, we've dated for nearly 5 years and have lived together for the majority of that time (covid sped that up).

On Saturday we drunkenly left a party and started bickering as our phone batteries were low and we were struggling to get an uber. The alcohol was naturally making this worse as it's not an important topic, but we were stuck in the middle of an area we didn't know at 1am.

I flag a taxi as uber isn't working and we get in. She's still annoyed and is repeatedly saying how I always need to be right etc etc. I get annoyed and I rise to this in a childish manner, I'm not proud, my emotions too were up and down from the booze. I childishly respond that yes that's me, and I am always right, and when was the last time she was right. She then struck me in the face, which broke my glasses.

Since then she has been very sorry and has tried to look after me on Sunday. She's apologised a lot and has said we can talk when I'm ready. She says she'll stop drinking (not that she drinks regularly). We've talked a bit on Sunday about it.

Obvious questions you may have.... Do we argue a lot and has this happened before. We don't argue often, and this happened once before when drunk after a wedding about 15 months ago. Similarly we were arguing but this time in bed, she then struck me in the chest and kicked me off the bed, before being extremely sorry.

I know the knee jerk reaction is end it. But I love her and we live together. It's not perfect, but things have been improving since we started bi-weekly couples therapy about 6 months ago (not related to this, about improving intimacy and sex life).

Thank you if you've made it this far. I don't want to do anything brash, but I'm lost and don't know what to do next.

Ok. Have you ever posted that on a thread where a woman’s been hit by a bloke, I wonder?

Where and when did she take your glasses to be mended? Or has she not got around to that yet? Or is that a job you have to add to your own to-do list at this busy time of year, making you responsible for mopping up after her violence to minimise it.

If she hasn't yet taken time off work to get them mended as a priority – this is your eyesight that has been compromised - then she has no intention of changing and doesn't think she needs to, she holds you in contempt. Actions speak louder...

You're young and I'm assuming no kids?

Leave her. It's not worth the hassle.

You've already got sex/intimacy issues and this is the second time she's been violent

Get out now

I don't condone physical violence. There is no place for it in a relationship.

You need to dump her.

If she hits you, she may well hit any children you might have.

Absolutely leave. Now.

It's up to you whether you want things to get worse or not....they sure as hell wont get better. If you're in counselling, talk to your therapist and ask for help to leave the relationship. Your GF is an abuser, im sorry youre experiencing this.

You had to start couples therapy after just 4.5 years together and she's twatted you twice?

This relationship has had its day I'm afraid.

I'd walk away from her. What a horrible, abusive f*cker.

She's going to get worse.

This.

I’m actually heartened by this thread. I’ve been on mumsnet for many years and it’s not that long ago that a thread with a male victim of violence would have 80% of the responses blaming him.

this one is 99% supportive. Nice to see

If this was a female friend of mine asking for advice I would say it's abuse and to leave .
They sound like they are trying to dismiss it as a acceptable for of communication when angry.
If you had hit her I bet the police would be involved

That's right!

It doesn't matter if she's a woman and you're a man--she is physically abusive and you must leave the relationship.

Sorry OP, no one should have to put up with a violent partner. However much she regrets doing it, it doesn’t sound like she has the capacity to not do it in the first place and you shouldn’t have to put up with it, especially even if you’re not female, don’t think of it as you’re the male partner and it’s fine. It’s not. If I were you I’d leave.

Next time she might grab a knife or other 'weapon' at hand. Just leave.

@NotJason

I'm the mum of adult sons, one of whom was physically attacked by his female OH. FWIW he could have been seriously injured or killed as she used a heavy object and aimed for his head. He kicked her out and refused to have anything more to do with her.

Domestic Violence is violence. It doesn't matter if you're male or female. It doesn't matter if you are 6' 4" and she's 5' 4". It also doesn't matter if you were 'in her face' verbally, there is no excuse for striking someone.

The other thing to remember is that once it's used 'successfully' (ie no repercussions) it doesn't stop and often escalates. The female in this instance went on to assault another male and was arrested for it.

I wouldn't allow anyone to hit me once let alone a second time. You need to end it, her apologies mean nothing especially when she will do it again. She doesn't respect you as a person if she can lash out like that.
Booze or drugs are never an excuse.

I don't see how you could ever trust her or feel safe with her again op.

Sorry but l think it's over.

Hi all,

I have read all your responses and I'm doing my best to take it all onboard, I very much appreciate your insights. And it's certainly fair to question her side etc. I do own that my words were barbed, but also out of sorts. We rarely argue and we're usually quite considerate and respectful to each other. I think that's also why this feels quite out of the blue. We're not normally the sort to bicker often, swear, or demean.

For clarity I've never laid my hands on anyone like that, and the question of the nature of the strike I actually don't know. I wasn't looking at her at the time, I was looking forward and she was sat to my left 🤷‍♂️. Glasses wise she's offered to pay.

I've taken onboard the points raised re shared therapy. She's agreed to get therapy just for her, and this week the couples session will be just me.

It's looking likely she'll stay with a friend for a couple days, she's said she'll do whatever I need/feel most comfortable with.

I hear your points loud and clear, and naturally I'm devastated, but completely understand where you're all coming from. I'm just struggling to accept it's quite probably fucked.

Well I don't think a woman hitting a man is quite so bad as a man hitting a woman.
For the simple one reason that generally a man can overpower a woman .
Whereas a woman cannot overpower a man.

Obviously that does not excuse such behaviour or make it all right.

It simply makes it less dangerous physically.
So the need to flee is not so urgent.
That's how I see it anyway.
I know many onhere will disagree.
But I am primarily addressing you OP.
You will probably disagree with my advice too.
Which is that you should both stop drinking alcohol. Immediately.
Then you will be better placed to consider the whole situation.

It's good that you'll have some time apart and to discuss it with a counsellor.
I wish you all the best.

How ridiculous to suggest wasting police time in this manner

Would you say the same if a man struck his female partner’s face and broke her glasses?

If it happened two days ago and there was no ongoing risk of violence then yes of course I would. Why are police required?