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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My girlfriend hit me on Saturday and I'm lost

225 replies

NotJason · 16/12/2024 11:16

This isn't easy to write, and I expect a lot of negative judgement, but I'd really value your open opinions and experiences.

I'm 35 (male), she's 30, we've dated for nearly 5 years and have lived together for the majority of that time (covid sped that up).

On Saturday we drunkenly left a party and started bickering as our phone batteries were low and we were struggling to get an uber. The alcohol was naturally making this worse as it's not an important topic, but we were stuck in the middle of an area we didn't know at 1am.

I flag a taxi as uber isn't working and we get in. She's still annoyed and is repeatedly saying how I always need to be right etc etc. I get annoyed and I rise to this in a childish manner, I'm not proud, my emotions too were up and down from the booze. I childishly respond that yes that's me, and I am always right, and when was the last time she was right. She then struck me in the face, which broke my glasses.

Since then she has been very sorry and has tried to look after me on Sunday. She's apologised a lot and has said we can talk when I'm ready. She says she'll stop drinking (not that she drinks regularly). We've talked a bit on Sunday about it.

Obvious questions you may have.... Do we argue a lot and has this happened before. We don't argue often, and this happened once before when drunk after a wedding about 15 months ago. Similarly we were arguing but this time in bed, she then struck me in the chest and kicked me off the bed, before being extremely sorry.

I know the knee jerk reaction is end it. But I love her and we live together. It's not perfect, but things have been improving since we started bi-weekly couples therapy about 6 months ago (not related to this, about improving intimacy and sex life).

Thank you if you've made it this far. I don't want to do anything brash, but I'm lost and don't know what to do next.

OP posts:
Joe7t8 · 16/12/2024 12:43

Having read your second post and now knowing that you have no kids and that you own your own flat, my answer is definitely leave. There are no complications stopping you from making a clean break, so just do it.

She should definitely give up drinking all the same; her reaction to alcohol isn’t going to change. If there’s any good to come out of this, it may be that you ending the relationship will make her realise this is a problem she needs to address.

RestYeMerryGentlewomen · 16/12/2024 12:44

End this now and change the locks and also your phone number, that’s the advice I would give to anyone who has experienced violence from a partner, male or female.

RedHelenB · 16/12/2024 12:44

AgnesX · 16/12/2024 11:19

If you were female I'd be telling you to finish the relationship.

I'm still telling you the same thing - it's up to you whether you give her a second chance but personally I couldn't.

It's actually a third chance. No way would I advise OP to carry on this relationship, it will get worse and more frequent the longer you're together.

womanwithissues · 16/12/2024 12:45

You deserve a woman who won't hurt you. Please try to walk away.

WetBandits · 16/12/2024 12:47

She’s an abusive cunt. Dump her.

Radionowhere · 16/12/2024 12:47

I don't necessarily think it will escalate but it will happen again if she continues to drink to excess. Up to you if you want to continue in a relationship with her. A frank conversation about the physical violence and the excessive drinking is needed. Sounds like you could both do with cutting down tbh.

Tiswa · 16/12/2024 12:51

You can’t fix her or this relationship for both your sakes you need to let her go

walk away

JFDIYOLO · 16/12/2024 12:52

Once could be forgiven.

It happened here many years ago and I told him without blinking in a very soft, slow, monotone voice that if he ever hit me again he and all his shit would be out on the pavement. (My house).

Never ever happened again.

But twice? That's a habit, a pattern, a personality defect and a forecast of your and any children's future.

WetBandits · 16/12/2024 12:56

JFDIYOLO · 16/12/2024 12:52

Once could be forgiven.

It happened here many years ago and I told him without blinking in a very soft, slow, monotone voice that if he ever hit me again he and all his shit would be out on the pavement. (My house).

Never ever happened again.

But twice? That's a habit, a pattern, a personality defect and a forecast of your and any children's future.

Edited

Depends how low your bar is, I suppose.

If my DP hit me, the police would be called and he would be gone immediately.

Very stupid ‘advice’ to suggest that once could be forgiven. Why would you want to stick around to find out if it really would be just the once, or if your children would be burying you after the next time?

oakleaffy · 16/12/2024 13:04

@NotJason Violence is not on, wether female to male or male to female.

She clearly has a violent streak, which is her ''go to'' arguing style.

there are many battered men who are too ashamed to speak publicly about it because of shame.

You deserve someone who won't be hitting you.

Once the rubicon has been crossed, and she's hit you, it will continue, no matter how much she pleads and says sorry.

You will subconsciously be waiting for the next eruption.

permanently · 16/12/2024 13:05

Separate. It may be the kick start she needs to access therapy.
See her in a years time to see how she's got on.

UseOfWeapons · 16/12/2024 13:16

OldMrBernardWhoHaveYouSilencedToday · 16/12/2024 12:31

Also, it's not recommended to have counselling with an abuser, so be careful there.

Absolutely this, it is NOT good practice for you to be seen together for any counselling, for domestic abuse - which this IS, you have to be separate. Please do not continue with this relationship, it will only get worse.

oakleaffy · 16/12/2024 13:17

@NotJason You have no children, you own your flat {Or it's mortgaged} 👍

You have all the cards in your favour.

Please ditch this unhealthy 'relationship'.

As a child free man you will find it easy in tome to meet someone far healthier for you.

You deserve a loving and uncomplicated supportive relationship, and you will find one.

There is a thread on here from a mother whose son is in an abusive relationship with a woman.

He has ended up hospitalised. It's heartbreaking.

It has escalated over about three years.

Step away now before she ''falls'' pregnant and has a claim on your salary and home.

My advice would be the same to a woman in a violent relationship, too.

Post from mother whose son is in an abusive, coercive relationship below:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4932919-to-think-someone-must-be-able-to-do-something-part-3?page=22&reply=140412717

Pumpkinpie1 · 16/12/2024 13:27

No one has the right to hit you. This is a pattern you need to leave her

kateluvscats · 16/12/2024 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

He's not the arsehole.....

Cheesandcrackers · 16/12/2024 13:38

So your counselling reason is due to her and she hit you twice. You do know her next step will be to say you are the abuser? Probably by pushing you until you shout or curse at her. And I can guarantee you'll suffer a multiple of the consequences she would suffer for similar behaviour. Leave. You will regret staying with her.

Anonymus89 · 16/12/2024 13:41

She's an abuser! If the roles were reversed, all hell would have broken loose. You deserve far better than being hit in the face—drunk or sober, it’s unacceptable. If she can’t control herself, then she needs to take responsibility and stop drinking.
You need to have an honest conversation with her and seriously consider ending this. Think about the future—what if kids were involved? It’s not right, and you shouldn’t have to put up with it. Look after yourself; you deserve peace and respect.

Nc546888 · 16/12/2024 13:53

Did she punch you or slap you? Just out of interest. My response would be the same but I didn’t know if women punched men instinctively as much as slapping

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 16/12/2024 13:56

Bumblebeestiltskin · 16/12/2024 12:20

There's never an excuse for violence, please leave.

This. Violence is also not something you can talk through.

I feel bad for her that there is previous trauma affecting her but you are not her punchbag.

All the best OP Flowers

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 16/12/2024 13:57

Because she won't stop. And one day you will either be seriously hurt - or you'll have no choice but to defend yourself.

Then you'll become the 'abusive bad guy' in others' opinion.

Please don't have kids with her. Imagine what she could do to a screaming baby or tantrumming toddler.

///

This

FergussSingsTheBlues · 16/12/2024 14:00

Absolutely not, I’d be horrified if my sons put up with that. Please kick her out before you get used to this behaviour

JabbaTheBeachHut · 16/12/2024 14:01

Nc546888 · 16/12/2024 13:53

Did she punch you or slap you? Just out of interest. My response would be the same but I didn’t know if women punched men instinctively as much as slapping

Why are you questioning the OP's description of how he was abused?

It doesn't matter how she struck him, she broke his glasses and has struck him in the past and kicked him off a bed.

BlackChunkyBoots · 16/12/2024 14:05

I've experienced DV. I'm a woman but as pp have said, it doesn't matter if the perpetrator is male or female.

Therapy isn't going to fix this. Abusive people don't change. Or, you want them to change and try and help them change, or you change for them in that hope things will get better. IME, it's years lost to a pointless endeavour. Save yourself, get rid of her, have some time on your own to recover.

There is lots of sound advice about DV on here. Take heed.

LemonPeonies · 16/12/2024 14:08

OriginalUsername2 · 16/12/2024 11:33

I’m not sure I’ll jump on and say she’s an abuser - without being there we don’t know if you were in her face aggressive and triggered her defences. But this isn’t a healthy relationship either way and needs to end. Once these patterns set in they only get deeper.

Way to twist and victim blame just because he's a man!

ItGhoul · 16/12/2024 14:13

Bloody hell.

OP, please get out of this relationship immediately. What she did was disgusting and unforgivable. It makes no difference whatsoever whether she was drinking or what you said or anything else - there is never, ever any excuse for your partner to hit you. Not ever.

It doesn't matter if it was a slap or a punch or whether you were badly hurt or not. She hit you. She's a violent abuser. Please, please end it with her.

I'm so sorry you've been through this. It's awful.