My girlfriend hit me on Saturday and I'm lost

[NotJason]

This isn't easy to write, and I expect a lot of negative judgement, but I'd really value your open opinions and experiences.

I'm 35 (male), she's 30, we've dated for nearly 5 years and have lived together for the majority of that time (covid sped that up).

On Saturday we drunkenly left a party and started bickering as our phone batteries were low and we were struggling to get an uber. The alcohol was naturally making this worse as it's not an important topic, but we were stuck in the middle of an area we didn't know at 1am.

I flag a taxi as uber isn't working and we get in. She's still annoyed and is repeatedly saying how I always need to be right etc etc. I get annoyed and I rise to this in a childish manner, I'm not proud, my emotions too were up and down from the booze. I childishly respond that yes that's me, and I am always right, and when was the last time she was right. She then struck me in the face, which broke my glasses.

Since then she has been very sorry and has tried to look after me on Sunday. She's apologised a lot and has said we can talk when I'm ready. She says she'll stop drinking (not that she drinks regularly). We've talked a bit on Sunday about it.

Obvious questions you may have.... Do we argue a lot and has this happened before. We don't argue often, and this happened once before when drunk after a wedding about 15 months ago. Similarly we were arguing but this time in bed, she then struck me in the chest and kicked me off the bed, before being extremely sorry.

I know the knee jerk reaction is end it. But I love her and we live together. It's not perfect, but things have been improving since we started bi-weekly couples therapy about 6 months ago (not related to this, about improving intimacy and sex life).

Thank you if you've made it this far. I don't want to do anything brash, but I'm lost and don't know what to do next.

I hope some of the people commenting on here don't have sons. Or brothers.

Oh, you've only been hit twice. Stick it out.

Disgusting.

It doesn't really matter what the sides are, 'though - if it's got to the stage where there's violence, it's fucked.

It doesn't really matter what went before. If for example he was chasing her around the house shouting the odds trapping her in a room and her last resort was to attack him to escape, then it's still fucked, it's still irretrievable. Whose fault it is isn't really the main concern.

Irretrievable? Maybe but not necessarily. I don’t think anyone should be encouraging the OP to leave her if he loves her and still wants to work on their relationship. He can always walk away in the future when he is ready but maybe she just needs some love and support. He said their relationship had been improving since they started therapy.

Well I don't think anyone should be encouraging anyone to stay with someone who hits them.

OP, watch Alex Skeel’s story - Abused by my Girlfriend which should still be on BBC player. It must be incredibly difficult to accept that someone you love can behave this way, but there comes a point when the apologies are no longer genuine…

No-one has to accept being treated this way, if you don’t put yourself first, no-one else will. Please take care and confide in someone, even if it is anonymously to the Samaritans 🙏

I don’t think I am but I do recognise that life is not straightforward and OP shouldn’t rush into ending a 5 year relationship based on the responses on this post. It is MN sport to cry LTB but these are real people and real lives.

Whatever sex, if you are going to attempt to work through it, you should live apart whilst it's worked through and only consider moving back in after the work has been done.

That sounds sensible

I think you should walk away

I agree. I’m not condoning violence but if she is genuinely sorry I’d give her one more chance. Take some space and think about it and boundaries you need to put in place.

For anyone thinking they can work through it despite the violence, being hit twice within 15 months in a five year relationship is despicable. If this was your son or brother, would you say the same? OP, the fact you want to work through this shows that you are planning a long term future. You seem to think five years is a long time, but it doesn't matter if it's five months or twenty years, is the fact that you generally get on ok really worth the chance of being hit every now and then? Do you want the mother of your potential future children to be someone who has hit your face so hard she smashed your glasses? There are many people who are 'caring' and 'funny' day to day, this is no reason to stay with someone who has hit you twice. You don't need couples therapy, she needs her own therapy, away from you. Even if you do split up and she hasn't resolved it, she will do this to the next person. You need to remove yourself from the situation for her to sort her anger issues out.

But @SunflowerTed she was sorry the first time and still did it again. How many times do you suppose the OP should try to peer into a crystal ball to work out if he's now safe in his own home?

I would always advise leaving a relationship with a violent partner. This is the second time she's been violent and if you stay it will happen again and the level of violence will escalate. If the roles were reversed, would you advise a woman to stay with a man who'd been violent towards her twice?

Also, you didn't provoke her. It sounds like she was the one continuing the argument when you'd already got a taxi and were on your way home so there was no need to continue the argument. Drinking doesn't make nonviolent people violent. It lowers the inhibitions and gives the person an excuse to use violence. It's still a choice to hit you, being drunk doesn't absolve her of responsibility for her actions.

Do you want to be with someone who hits you?

Y/N?

Let's assume no. I work on none, once, twice or many. Once can be frustration or learned behaviour. Twice should be really rare but it is occasionally possible to come back from twice. Any more and it's many. You don't have to keep count. And it well happen again. Do you want to be in the receiving end?

Generally if it's more than once it will be many, but sometimes it's just twice.

But even once is too many.

You can ask yourself if you love her, but a better question is whether she loves you. And someone who is lashing out at you is probably angry and probably can't love you even if they want to.

Yes, it's fixable, but after 5 years, it's OK if you walk away and find someone who deserves you.

OP did she punch you in the face? Did she aim and hit your glasses face on into your eyes?

In bed when she kicked you off was she kicking at you with complete rage-filled force?

On both occasions was she lashing out in a way that lasted a second, or attacking with full-on forceful violence as in a killer-like rage?

I think a pp was right about the problems with childhood trauma. She would need to get a lot of help to get over it, and may have lurking hair-trigger over reactions that would be horrible for children. She would also need to stay away from all drink, drugs and too much sugar even because of the mood swings they cause.

Having a child could reignite whatever happened to her without help.

I see that some posters are commenting how it is not as dangerous thing when a women hits a man. Perhaps you are correct, but that is beside the point. Hitting is unacceptable behaviour, weather or not it resulted in real harm. Nobody should stay in a relationship like that.

@ScrollingLeaves why are you even asking these questions? Nobody would ask a woman that if a man kicked her in the chest?

The reason for asking is to assess the kind and level of anger she is showing through her body movements.

Regardless of whether you are male or female it’s never ok op. She can’t control her anger.

You may not still be together if it hadn't been for Covid and moving in together quickly.

You are both already having therapy.

You both get drunk.

It's over

and you both need to learn how to control the alcohol.

You deserve so much better OP.....it should never have happened at all anytime, and this is not the first occasion so her words mean nothing anyway and it will happen again.
She is toxic and abusive and probably won't change....she is NOT someone you want to build a life with, marry and please please please do not have children with her, for your own sake (tied for life) and for theirs too, as abusive partners are often also abusive parents.

It may that your partner like some other people gets aggressive when she's drinking in which case she needs to stop. Completely. Would you want to stay with her if she managed this? If she continues drinking and you're always fearing another assault then it doesn't sound like a healthy or viable relationship.

You realise it doesn't matter right though @ScrollingLeaves

If an abused woman came on here you wouldn't be like 'but was he big mad - you'd just tell her to get the fuck out. ASAP.

She punched you IN THE FACE. This wasn't a frustrated swipe at your shoulder, or a push. She punched you in the face. And close enough to your eyes to break your glasses.

I have never once been violent, but I can imagine maybe shoving someone in the shoulder if really angry. But I simply can't conceive of ever punching someone in the face. Let alone someone I love.

You already need counselling. A relationship isn't supposed to be this hard.
This is never going to work.

And OP is a real person who has been physically attacked twice in 15 months.

Surely there's no way in hell that you'd tell a female that she shouldn't give up on a relationship, if her boyfriend hit her twice in 15 months, including PUNCHING HER IN THE FACE?