My girlfriend hit me on Saturday and I'm lost

[NotJason]

This isn't easy to write, and I expect a lot of negative judgement, but I'd really value your open opinions and experiences.

I'm 35 (male), she's 30, we've dated for nearly 5 years and have lived together for the majority of that time (covid sped that up).

On Saturday we drunkenly left a party and started bickering as our phone batteries were low and we were struggling to get an uber. The alcohol was naturally making this worse as it's not an important topic, but we were stuck in the middle of an area we didn't know at 1am.

I flag a taxi as uber isn't working and we get in. She's still annoyed and is repeatedly saying how I always need to be right etc etc. I get annoyed and I rise to this in a childish manner, I'm not proud, my emotions too were up and down from the booze. I childishly respond that yes that's me, and I am always right, and when was the last time she was right. She then struck me in the face, which broke my glasses.

Since then she has been very sorry and has tried to look after me on Sunday. She's apologised a lot and has said we can talk when I'm ready. She says she'll stop drinking (not that she drinks regularly). We've talked a bit on Sunday about it.

Obvious questions you may have.... Do we argue a lot and has this happened before. We don't argue often, and this happened once before when drunk after a wedding about 15 months ago. Similarly we were arguing but this time in bed, she then struck me in the chest and kicked me off the bed, before being extremely sorry.

I know the knee jerk reaction is end it. But I love her and we live together. It's not perfect, but things have been improving since we started bi-weekly couples therapy about 6 months ago (not related to this, about improving intimacy and sex life).

Thank you if you've made it this far. I don't want to do anything brash, but I'm lost and don't know what to do next.

End it.

Time to leave, she shouldn't be hitting you.

After this I would reflect on your own responses because snarkily asking the last time she was right is emotional abuse to me.

Don't stay in a violent relationship. End of.

LTB

She's violently assaulted you twice in 15 months.

End it now.

You can almost guarantee if you hurt her next time while defending yourself, you'll be the abuser in the eyes of the police.

What? She hit him. Would you say that to a woman?

I hear that you don’t want to react rashly - but please consider the following

• this is the second time she has hit you despite her being contrite and apologising after the first time. All evidence suggests these things escalate.
• you are in therapy for intimacy issues before you have got married or had children - this is not going to get holistically better over the arc of your life if you can’t make it work now.

what is it about this situation that makes you think you don’t deserve more from your life? Until you end this and create space for something better - there is no potential for a relationship that is fulfilling and safe and equal and happy.

I would suggest some individual therapy to work out why you think this is good enough?

She’s hit you once and “got away with it”. She’s hit you again. If you stay, you’re giving her a very strong message that it’s ok to hit you. She’s broken your glasses, so not an insignificant blow.

Shes a domestic abuser, leave before this escalates.

not one person has suggested you stay. LEAVE!

Thank you all for taking the time everyone to respond, I'm actually a little (positively) overwhelmed at the level and speed of responses. I've not been on here before.

In broad strokes it sounds like the consensus view is that this can't be fixed/there's no point in trying? She's agreed to discuss this incident together with our couples therapist this coming Thursday.

To provide answers to some of the responses I've seen: we don't have children, I own the flat, I wasn't in her face when we were bickering I was facing forward in the car, but I am owning and am embarrassed about my venomous retort. I'm normally quite passive (to the point I've been told it can seem cold or corporate if in an argument). I rarely therefore let loose/ "fire shots".

I'm obviously very invested in her and us. I take it onboard what you're saying, it's just a truly sad thought to give up. I also know though this isn't how I want to be treated. Day to day she's very caring, and very funny, we enjoy each other's company. Our sex life is complicated, as she's indicated there's childhood trauma there, and so there's things to work through together if it's ever to reach its potential. We have been working on mindfulness and methods to reduce anxiety.

Thank you all again for taking the time out your day to think about this ❤️.

I don't think you can work things through together with someone who punches you in the face.

Sorry.

Oh god, walk away. Life's too short.

If you had a mate who kicked you in the chest and punched you in the face, you'd no longer be their mate, right?

This isn't any different.

And for the love of god don't have kids with someone who uses physical violence.

I'm so sorry this happened to you - you sound from your post like a nice person.

What she did is definitely a red flag. Did she experience violence in her upbringing?

I wouldn't over-react though - sometimes the advice on here is very dramatic and knee-jerk!

Your girlfriend doesn't drink regularly and now appears very sorry, but she's done this once before.

I have two friends who don't drink regularly, and on a couple of occasions they've had monumental meltdowns with their partners when drunk. There was no violence but shouting and high emotions. They are otherwise lovely women though.

She will do it again.
Abusers always do.
Don't stay and wait for that to happen

Please leave her. It’s not ok because it’s female on male violence.

There's never an excuse for violence, please leave.

Please leave her and protect yourself.

It's not any less serious because it's a woman doing it.

It doesn't matter how forthright or grumpy you were. You still don't ever deserve to be punched in the face.

Unfortunately, I do have to warn you that forgiving incidents like this is only giving the green light to her that she can treat you as badly as she likes with no consequences. I strongly recommend you put a firm boundary in place for your own self protection that you will not allow anyone to physically assault you without leaving. It's unacceptable and relationship ending. There's no grey area here.

Best for both of you if you leave.

5 years, not married and needing therapy together... There's someone out there you won't need therapy with.

Your sexes are irrelevant.

You are the victim of repeated physical abuse.

I imagine there is a side order of shame that you are a man being assaulted by a woman - it's more common than you think and just as serious as the other way round.

Physical abuse followed by 'I'm sorry I'll do better' followed by forgiveness followed by another incident is a well known abuser's cycle.

Those broken glasses could have blinded you. You were lucky that time

It will only end if you end it.

Because she won't stop. And one day you will either be seriously hurt - or you'll have no choice but to defend yourself.

Then you'll become the 'abusive bad guy' in others' opinion.

Please don't have kids with her. Imagine what she could do to a screaming baby or tantrumming toddler.

This

Also, it's not recommended to have counselling with an abuser, so be careful there.

Once it's crossed the line into violence, it's FUBAR.

End it.

If she needs counselling or therapy, she should do that for herself before getting into another relationship.

I don't think your therapist should be doing joint counselling in a relationship where there is abuse/violence.

There's a pattern and no excuse makes up for anyone hitting anyone else in an argument and breaking your glasses, that's not a friendly tap is it! What's next a knife? She needs to seek help, you need to leave. Whatever sex, this is not acceptable, not something you make excuses for and no amount of apologies addresses the behaviour and that it is bubbling under the surface, even if alcohol is involved.

You should not take the disrespect and end the relationship.

It's happened before, it will happen again. You deserve to be in a relationship where your partner isn't violent.